(:

Life's ebbs and flows the past year have taken me from one extreme to another, and now I'm somewhere in the middle. I have never loved ordinary as much as I do now. The same day that I posted my last blog is now my anniversary, the anniversary that I share with my significant other, Raf. Raphael Alexander Espinoza-Julian. This past year he stuck right by my side when some really fucked up shit was going down. I relapsed. I used meth for the first time on Halloween and used meth & heroin on and off for about 4 months. It was a really bad time. I was escorting again, at a much higher level than before. It was extremely hard on me and even harder on Raf. After falling so deeply in love with Raf, I knew that this was not the right route for us. I want to have a real future with this man, a real, true, honest, loving relationship, and a family. I stopped using, and stopped escorting, and finally started working real jobs in the real world again. I did coffee still for a little while, but it was more of a cashier position, and I quit after about 5 weeks because it was just horrible. The money was good, but the rest was horrible. I started working as a Hostess right after that, which is really nice. I love where I work, my boss, and my co-workers. I'm slowly but surely making my way towards serving, which is awesome. However, I'm finally enrolled in school again, and I'm actually doing GOOD!!! I've been in school for about 2 1/2 months now and so far I have a 95%. An A! I'm extremely proud of myself, and so is Raf. All this is for us. Everything I do, every decision I make, I try to think about us. What I want for us and our future. I don't really go to meetings anymore, but I also don't drink or do drugs. I am sober, I'm just not in recovery. I have nothing to recover. My past is my past and that's where I'd like to keep it. I'm in a stage of discovery; a stage of creation. It doesn't mean I have anything against recovery programs or anyone in them. I think that I wouldn't be able to cope with anything as well as I am if I hadn't gone through as much recovery as I had. I did a lot of self-discovery while in recovery, as well as learned a lot of positive ways to cope, among other things. I learned a lot from recovery and I believe that anyone who has trouble with addiction in their life can gain from a recovery program, not just drug addiction, but any addiction. In June I actually went to a couple of GA meetings. I was having major problems with my gambling. I actually spent all my money at the casino, so much that I didn't have enough to move in to our new apartment that we had just signed the lease for. I ended up having to borrow money from people as well as stole money form former clients of mine. I know I didn't have to, but it's what I did. I'm slowly changing my life for the better. I'm in a good place now. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't escort, I DID go to the casino the other day with Raf, but I know it's not a good place for me to be. I'm not perfect, but I'm not a monster. I'm me. I have nothing to prove to anyone, I love the person that I am, and I love my significant other. I love him with all my heart. (:

Hi, I have theories, too.

Hi, my name is Cassandra, and I have theories, too.

Obviously everyone knows about the whole "2012" thing. End of the world, blah blah blah.

I've heard that it's actually not the "end of the world" but a mass spiritual awakening.

Which is interesting, because I've been reading my bible more lately, and I'd like to share an interesting passage with you. I promise I'm not trying to convert you, hahah.

This is in Matthew 24, the chapter known as "Signs of the End of the Age."

His disciples ask Jesus, "When will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming of the end of the age?" (Matthew 24:3)

Jesus goes on to say that nations will turn against each other, there will be wars, there will be false prophets who will deceive many, etc.

Then Jesus goes on to say, "Let no one on the roof of his house go down to take anything out of the house. Let no one in the field go back to get his cloak. How dreadful it will be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers! Pray that your flight will not take place in winter or on the Sabbath. For then there will be great distress, unequaled from the beginning of the world until now - and never to be equaled again. If those days had not been cut short, no one would survive, but for the sake of the elect those days will be shortened." (Matthew 24:18-25)

At the end of the chapter, Jesus says, "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away." (Matthew 24:35)

I think all of this is very interesting, for a few reasons! According to Jesus, We should pray that our "flight" will not take place in winter or on the Sabbath. The exact date of the supposed "doomsday" is December 21st 2012, which is a Friday. I know that most people believe that the Sabbath day is Sunday, however, according to halakha, which is the collective body of religious laws for Jews, "Shabbat" is the seventh day of the week, and is observed from a few minutes before sunset on Friday evening until the appearance of three stars in the sky on Saturday night. We all know that Jesus was a Jew, so obviously he followed this law that says the Sabbath starts and ends then. So if this "doomsday" does happen, and does happen on December 21st of this year between 4:30pm (the time the sun will set that day) and whenever three stars appear on Saturday night, then it looks like another prophecy in the bible fulfilled. Jesus doesn't say, "I'm going to come back and everything is going to be dandy." He says, "There will be great distress." Not just distress, but the most distress that this world has ever seen and ever will see. "If those days had not been cut short, no one would survive, but for the sake of the elect those days will be shortened." December 21st this year is the winter solstice (as it is every year) and is the shortest day of the year.

I don't mean to scare anyone, but I'm just going to put this out there because I as well used to be a non-believer believer (if you know what I mean). When I first started going to church, all I heard was that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and if I ask for forgiveness, I'll get it. I didn't really read my bible at all, so I just went off of what I was told in church, and I was cool with that. I thought, cool, I can just do whatever I want, as long as I ask for forgiveness, it's all good.

That's not what Jesus says in the bible. Jesus says that we need to not only repent, but to actually turn away from those wicked ways, not just say we're sorry and then go do them again without second thought. Now obviously everyone has their slips, their struggles, their trials and tribulations, but it is one thing to do what I used to do, which was party, get drunk and high, sleep around, steal, lie, cheat, but go to church every Sunday, youth group every Wednesday, have spiritual experiences in church, be arrogant outside of the church because I thought that I was "better" than everyone else because I had Jesus. It is an entirely different thing to earnestly turn away from whatever is keeping you away from following Jesus' word, whether it be drugs, alcohol, adultery, any kind of addiction, or just being an asshole, turn completely away, but maybe have a slip and immediately ask for forgiveness and turn away. I'm not saying that one is going to hell and the other isn't, I'm just saying that since I believe and follow Jesus, I'm going to believe and follow Jesus... I'm going to repent and turn away from my wicked ways, to the best of my ability.

Anyways, I really just went off on a super obsessive thing to put all that together, and I didn't even put as much stuff in here as I wanted to because I can't quote where all the verses are and I don't like saying that someone said something if I can't quote them... and it's almost 4am and I'm really tired... but I read Matthew 24 the other day and it just really got me thinking about "2012", so I had to do some research and then do a little blog about it.

The change is on the inside.

This is a picture of me from December 12th 2009. I really don't think I look too different. I have a slightly different hair color, and I was probably about 10 or 15 pounds lighter, but that's about it for outward appearances. Two months before this picture was taken, I was about 143 pounds. After I left Robert, I quickly started to gain my weight back, since I felt more free to be me and eat what I wanted when I wanted, instead of starving myself for fear of what he might say or do. I actually have a picture from when I was in Arizona with him and you can tell I look a lot skinnier. In the picture I'm not wearing any makeup and I actually look like I'm about 15 years old, although I'm 19 in the picture. In this picture I'm probably about 160 or 165 pounds. I'm not exactly sure where I'm at now, but I'm pretty sure I'm about 183 - 187 pounds. My point is that I don't look so different on the outside, but I've changed a lot on the inside the past 3 years, and I'm loving this change. I still believe I look absolutely beautiful here, though, just like I do today.

newww place!

I just started moving my stuff into the compound today, and it only took one trip to get pretty much all my stuff here! The only things I still need to bring are some towels & about 3 or 4 loads of laundry, but I want to wash them before I bring them. I'm very excited! Everything else I just left at my Dad's house and I'll get rid of later. I got a coffee table at Goodwill today to put my laptop on and my speakers and all my books fit in this little cubby that is underneath the coffee table. All my clothes (except for the clothes that are still at my Dad's house) fit into the dresser that was already in here. I don't really need much else than that. All my bathroom stuff is either in the bathroom or on top of my dresser. I love it so far, although it's only been a few hours! I could still be in the honeymoon stage, hahah. There's a lot more day light in this room! There's two windows in this room versus the one that I had at my Dad's house, and my room is on the top floor so I can actually open the window without worrying about my neighbors starring at me. I like that a lot.

2am.

"It's 2am and I can't sleep, because of the fear and the pain and the caffeine."

An excerpt from a poem I wrote a few months ago that I can relate to right now.
Not so much the fear and the pain, but more like the racing mind that can't seem to calm itself, and probably the caffeine. I also tend to have my "throat problems" the worst during the night. I feel like I'm going through q-tip withdrawals more and more. I've googled things related to my q-tip addiction a lot but just tonight found this thread http://ask.metafilter.com/77113/How-can-I-detox-from-my-qtip-addiction it doesn't really help at all but it's nice to see people with the same problem as me.

So far I've gotten rid of my boombox that I traded for a digital camera. I sold my sewing machine for $50. I gave away a bunch of shoes. I'm going to try to get rid of whatever else I can. I got rid of it all on craigslist.

Well anywaaayss... things have been going good the past few days. I've been journaling again, mostly (except for tonight) going to sleep at a decent hour, practicing spiritual principles instead of just suppressing my defects, and even reading my bible! Interesting stuff going on in my life.

New.

I have decided that when I move into Shaun's house, I am not going to bring any of this unnecessary junk with me. I am starting to move in on the 15th, and will be done moving by the 30th, since I need to be out of my Dad's house by then. I am just going to bring my clothes, my books, my laptop and my record player. I think I am going to sell my desktop computer and my boombox. I just need to be rid of a lot. I am ready for a new phase of my life. I am ready to grow, to let go of the old and make room for the new. I went over my 6th step with my sponsor today, and I'm now realizing that I won't have room for the new me until I let the old me go.

Today is the day.

I'm (most likely) not going to the wedding today.
I physically do not feel good.
I believe that it's from not taking very good care of myself the past week or so.
I also called my sister & told her that I'm not going to come spend the night tonight.
Now I just have the one other obligation of feeding Rose's dog, which isn't that big of a deal.
My room is the biggest mess it's been in a long time, so I'm going to clean it.
I ALWAYS feel better when I have a clean room & bathroom.
I feel like I don't have to avoid everything, but can take anything on.
I'm still stressed out about this weekend, but trying to just focus on what is right in front of me instead of looking at tomorrow & Monday.