Tuesday, October 8, 2013
(:
Life's ebbs and flows the past year have taken me from one extreme to another, and now I'm somewhere in the middle. I have never loved ordinary as much as I do now. The same day that I posted my last blog is now my anniversary, the anniversary that I share with my significant other, Raf. Raphael Alexander Espinoza-Julian. This past year he stuck right by my side when some really fucked up shit was going down. I relapsed. I used meth for the first time on Halloween and used meth & heroin on and off for about 4 months. It was a really bad time. I was escorting again, at a much higher level than before. It was extremely hard on me and even harder on Raf. After falling so deeply in love with Raf, I knew that this was not the right route for us. I want to have a real future with this man, a real, true, honest, loving relationship, and a family. I stopped using, and stopped escorting, and finally started working real jobs in the real world again. I did coffee still for a little while, but it was more of a cashier position, and I quit after about 5 weeks because it was just horrible. The money was good, but the rest was horrible. I started working as a Hostess right after that, which is really nice. I love where I work, my boss, and my co-workers. I'm slowly but surely making my way towards serving, which is awesome. However, I'm finally enrolled in school again, and I'm actually doing GOOD!!! I've been in school for about 2 1/2 months now and so far I have a 95%. An A! I'm extremely proud of myself, and so is Raf. All this is for us. Everything I do, every decision I make, I try to think about us. What I want for us and our future. I don't really go to meetings anymore, but I also don't drink or do drugs. I am sober, I'm just not in recovery. I have nothing to recover. My past is my past and that's where I'd like to keep it. I'm in a stage of discovery; a stage of creation. It doesn't mean I have anything against recovery programs or anyone in them. I think that I wouldn't be able to cope with anything as well as I am if I hadn't gone through as much recovery as I had. I did a lot of self-discovery while in recovery, as well as learned a lot of positive ways to cope, among other things. I learned a lot from recovery and I believe that anyone who has trouble with addiction in their life can gain from a recovery program, not just drug addiction, but any addiction. In June I actually went to a couple of GA meetings. I was having major problems with my gambling. I actually spent all my money at the casino, so much that I didn't have enough to move in to our new apartment that we had just signed the lease for. I ended up having to borrow money from people as well as stole money form former clients of mine. I know I didn't have to, but it's what I did. I'm slowly changing my life for the better. I'm in a good place now. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't escort, I DID go to the casino the other day with Raf, but I know it's not a good place for me to be. I'm not perfect, but I'm not a monster. I'm me. I have nothing to prove to anyone, I love the person that I am, and I love my significant other. I love him with all my heart. (:
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Hi, I have theories, too.
Hi, my name is Cassandra, and I have theories, too.
Obviously everyone knows about the whole "2012" thing. End of the world, blah blah blah.
I've heard that it's actually not the "end of the world" but a mass spiritual awakening.
Which is interesting, because I've been reading my bible more lately, and I'd like to share an interesting passage with you. I promise I'm not trying to convert you, hahah.
This is in Matthew 24, the chapter known as "Signs of the End of the Age."
His disciples ask Jesus, "When will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming of the end of the age?" (Matthew 24:3)
Jesus goes on to say that nations will turn against each other, there will be wars, there will be false prophets who will deceive many, etc.
Then Jesus goes on to say, "Let no one on the roof of his house go down to take anything out of the house. Let no one in the field go back to get his cloak. How dreadful it will be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers! Pray that your flight will not take place in winter or on the Sabbath. For then there will be great distress, unequaled from the beginning of the world until now - and never to be equaled again. If those days had not been cut short, no one would survive, but for the sake of the elect those days will be shortened." (Matthew 24:18-25)
At the end of the chapter, Jesus says, "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away." (Matthew 24:35)
I think all of this is very interesting, for a few reasons! According to Jesus, We should pray that our "flight" will not take place in winter or on the Sabbath. The exact date of the supposed "doomsday" is December 21st 2012, which is a Friday. I know that most people believe that the Sabbath day is Sunday, however, according to halakha, which is the collective body of religious laws for Jews, "Shabbat" is the seventh day of the week, and is observed from a few minutes before sunset on Friday evening until the appearance of three stars in the sky on Saturday night. We all know that Jesus was a Jew, so obviously he followed this law that says the Sabbath starts and ends then. So if this "doomsday" does happen, and does happen on December 21st of this year between 4:30pm (the time the sun will set that day) and whenever three stars appear on Saturday night, then it looks like another prophecy in the bible fulfilled. Jesus doesn't say, "I'm going to come back and everything is going to be dandy." He says, "There will be great distress." Not just distress, but the most distress that this world has ever seen and ever will see. "If those days had not been cut short, no one would survive, but for the sake of the elect those days will be shortened." December 21st this year is the winter solstice (as it is every year) and is the shortest day of the year.
I don't mean to scare anyone, but I'm just going to put this out there because I as well used to be a non-believer believer (if you know what I mean). When I first started going to church, all I heard was that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and if I ask for forgiveness, I'll get it. I didn't really read my bible at all, so I just went off of what I was told in church, and I was cool with that. I thought, cool, I can just do whatever I want, as long as I ask for forgiveness, it's all good.
That's not what Jesus says in the bible. Jesus says that we need to not only repent, but to actually turn away from those wicked ways, not just say we're sorry and then go do them again without second thought. Now obviously everyone has their slips, their struggles, their trials and tribulations, but it is one thing to do what I used to do, which was party, get drunk and high, sleep around, steal, lie, cheat, but go to church every Sunday, youth group every Wednesday, have spiritual experiences in church, be arrogant outside of the church because I thought that I was "better" than everyone else because I had Jesus. It is an entirely different thing to earnestly turn away from whatever is keeping you away from following Jesus' word, whether it be drugs, alcohol, adultery, any kind of addiction, or just being an asshole, turn completely away, but maybe have a slip and immediately ask for forgiveness and turn away. I'm not saying that one is going to hell and the other isn't, I'm just saying that since I believe and follow Jesus, I'm going to believe and follow Jesus... I'm going to repent and turn away from my wicked ways, to the best of my ability.
Anyways, I really just went off on a super obsessive thing to put all that together, and I didn't even put as much stuff in here as I wanted to because I can't quote where all the verses are and I don't like saying that someone said something if I can't quote them... and it's almost 4am and I'm really tired... but I read Matthew 24 the other day and it just really got me thinking about "2012", so I had to do some research and then do a little blog about it.
Obviously everyone knows about the whole "2012" thing. End of the world, blah blah blah.
I've heard that it's actually not the "end of the world" but a mass spiritual awakening.
Which is interesting, because I've been reading my bible more lately, and I'd like to share an interesting passage with you. I promise I'm not trying to convert you, hahah.
This is in Matthew 24, the chapter known as "Signs of the End of the Age."
His disciples ask Jesus, "When will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming of the end of the age?" (Matthew 24:3)
Jesus goes on to say that nations will turn against each other, there will be wars, there will be false prophets who will deceive many, etc.
Then Jesus goes on to say, "Let no one on the roof of his house go down to take anything out of the house. Let no one in the field go back to get his cloak. How dreadful it will be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers! Pray that your flight will not take place in winter or on the Sabbath. For then there will be great distress, unequaled from the beginning of the world until now - and never to be equaled again. If those days had not been cut short, no one would survive, but for the sake of the elect those days will be shortened." (Matthew 24:18-25)
At the end of the chapter, Jesus says, "Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away." (Matthew 24:35)
I think all of this is very interesting, for a few reasons! According to Jesus, We should pray that our "flight" will not take place in winter or on the Sabbath. The exact date of the supposed "doomsday" is December 21st 2012, which is a Friday. I know that most people believe that the Sabbath day is Sunday, however, according to halakha, which is the collective body of religious laws for Jews, "Shabbat" is the seventh day of the week, and is observed from a few minutes before sunset on Friday evening until the appearance of three stars in the sky on Saturday night. We all know that Jesus was a Jew, so obviously he followed this law that says the Sabbath starts and ends then. So if this "doomsday" does happen, and does happen on December 21st of this year between 4:30pm (the time the sun will set that day) and whenever three stars appear on Saturday night, then it looks like another prophecy in the bible fulfilled. Jesus doesn't say, "I'm going to come back and everything is going to be dandy." He says, "There will be great distress." Not just distress, but the most distress that this world has ever seen and ever will see. "If those days had not been cut short, no one would survive, but for the sake of the elect those days will be shortened." December 21st this year is the winter solstice (as it is every year) and is the shortest day of the year.
I don't mean to scare anyone, but I'm just going to put this out there because I as well used to be a non-believer believer (if you know what I mean). When I first started going to church, all I heard was that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and if I ask for forgiveness, I'll get it. I didn't really read my bible at all, so I just went off of what I was told in church, and I was cool with that. I thought, cool, I can just do whatever I want, as long as I ask for forgiveness, it's all good.
That's not what Jesus says in the bible. Jesus says that we need to not only repent, but to actually turn away from those wicked ways, not just say we're sorry and then go do them again without second thought. Now obviously everyone has their slips, their struggles, their trials and tribulations, but it is one thing to do what I used to do, which was party, get drunk and high, sleep around, steal, lie, cheat, but go to church every Sunday, youth group every Wednesday, have spiritual experiences in church, be arrogant outside of the church because I thought that I was "better" than everyone else because I had Jesus. It is an entirely different thing to earnestly turn away from whatever is keeping you away from following Jesus' word, whether it be drugs, alcohol, adultery, any kind of addiction, or just being an asshole, turn completely away, but maybe have a slip and immediately ask for forgiveness and turn away. I'm not saying that one is going to hell and the other isn't, I'm just saying that since I believe and follow Jesus, I'm going to believe and follow Jesus... I'm going to repent and turn away from my wicked ways, to the best of my ability.
Anyways, I really just went off on a super obsessive thing to put all that together, and I didn't even put as much stuff in here as I wanted to because I can't quote where all the verses are and I don't like saying that someone said something if I can't quote them... and it's almost 4am and I'm really tired... but I read Matthew 24 the other day and it just really got me thinking about "2012", so I had to do some research and then do a little blog about it.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
The change is on the inside.
Monday, September 17, 2012
newww place!
Friday, September 14, 2012
2am.
"It's 2am and I can't sleep, because of the fear and the pain and the caffeine."
An excerpt from a poem I wrote a few months ago that I can relate to right now.
Not so much the fear and the pain, but more like the racing mind that can't seem to calm itself, and probably the caffeine. I also tend to have my "throat problems" the worst during the night. I feel like I'm going through q-tip withdrawals more and more. I've googled things related to my q-tip addiction a lot but just tonight found this thread http://ask.metafilter.com/77113/How-can-I-detox-from-my-qtip-addiction it doesn't really help at all but it's nice to see people with the same problem as me.
So far I've gotten rid of my boombox that I traded for a digital camera. I sold my sewing machine for $50. I gave away a bunch of shoes. I'm going to try to get rid of whatever else I can. I got rid of it all on craigslist.
Well anywaaayss... things have been going good the past few days. I've been journaling again, mostly (except for tonight) going to sleep at a decent hour, practicing spiritual principles instead of just suppressing my defects, and even reading my bible! Interesting stuff going on in my life.
An excerpt from a poem I wrote a few months ago that I can relate to right now.
Not so much the fear and the pain, but more like the racing mind that can't seem to calm itself, and probably the caffeine. I also tend to have my "throat problems" the worst during the night. I feel like I'm going through q-tip withdrawals more and more. I've googled things related to my q-tip addiction a lot but just tonight found this thread http://ask.metafilter.com/77113/How-can-I-detox-from-my-qtip-addiction it doesn't really help at all but it's nice to see people with the same problem as me.
So far I've gotten rid of my boombox that I traded for a digital camera. I sold my sewing machine for $50. I gave away a bunch of shoes. I'm going to try to get rid of whatever else I can. I got rid of it all on craigslist.
Well anywaaayss... things have been going good the past few days. I've been journaling again, mostly (except for tonight) going to sleep at a decent hour, practicing spiritual principles instead of just suppressing my defects, and even reading my bible! Interesting stuff going on in my life.
Friday, September 7, 2012
New.
I have decided that when I move into Shaun's house, I am not going to bring any of this unnecessary junk with me. I am starting to move in on the 15th, and will be done moving by the 30th, since I need to be out of my Dad's house by then. I am just going to bring my clothes, my books, my laptop and my record player. I think I am going to sell my desktop computer and my boombox. I just need to be rid of a lot. I am ready for a new phase of my life. I am ready to grow, to let go of the old and make room for the new. I went over my 6th step with my sponsor today, and I'm now realizing that I won't have room for the new me until I let the old me go.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Today is the day.
I'm (most likely) not going to the wedding today.
I physically do not feel good.
I believe that it's from not taking very good care of myself the past week or so.
I also called my sister & told her that I'm not going to come spend the night tonight.
Now I just have the one other obligation of feeding Rose's dog, which isn't that big of a deal.
My room is the biggest mess it's been in a long time, so I'm going to clean it.
I ALWAYS feel better when I have a clean room & bathroom.
I feel like I don't have to avoid everything, but can take anything on.
I'm still stressed out about this weekend, but trying to just focus on what is right in front of me instead of looking at tomorrow & Monday.
I physically do not feel good.
I believe that it's from not taking very good care of myself the past week or so.
I also called my sister & told her that I'm not going to come spend the night tonight.
Now I just have the one other obligation of feeding Rose's dog, which isn't that big of a deal.
My room is the biggest mess it's been in a long time, so I'm going to clean it.
I ALWAYS feel better when I have a clean room & bathroom.
I feel like I don't have to avoid everything, but can take anything on.
I'm still stressed out about this weekend, but trying to just focus on what is right in front of me instead of looking at tomorrow & Monday.
wtfff.
I am so fucking ridiculously stressed out right now.
I'm really spreading myself waaay too thin, especially for someone that doesn't have a car and depends on the bus system to get around.
I'm getting pretty much no fucking sleep at all.
Last night I slept for maybe 5 hours.
I'm most likely not going to a meeting tomorrow because I get in an extremely bad place when I don't get sleep, and I would much rather get adequate sleep and feel somewhat sane than be extremely insane in a meeting. That sounds a little crazy as I type it, but I know that it's the truth. Just because I'm in a meeting doesn't mean that I'm not going to use. There have been multiple times where I have been in a meeting, feeling fucking crazy, and then gone and immediately copped dope afterwards. Sometimes with months clean.
I'm very aware that I've been lacking in the self-care department & really need to get on that.
I'm over-committed right now.
I make plans without realizing the effect that these plans are going to have on me.
I have 3 "home groups" right now, one of which meets two nights a week, which makes a total of 4 nights a week that I'm obligated to be somewhere.
I work 3-4 days a week.
I take the bus everywhere.
I just really feel like I need rest. I sit on the computer before I go to sleep and try to figure out the buses that I'll need to take the next day, and this weekend I'm supposed to be house sitting for Tonya's girlfriend, and it's just fucking stressing me out.
I need to learn how to say no.
I need to learn how to take time for myself, a little bit of time every day, not just neglecting myself for a week or two at a time and then taking a whole day to myself.
Yes, sometimes I deserve a whole day to myself, but really I need to be maintaining my self-care a little bit every day, just like my sobriety and everything else in my life that is important to me.
I'm really spreading myself waaay too thin, especially for someone that doesn't have a car and depends on the bus system to get around.
I'm getting pretty much no fucking sleep at all.
Last night I slept for maybe 5 hours.
I'm most likely not going to a meeting tomorrow because I get in an extremely bad place when I don't get sleep, and I would much rather get adequate sleep and feel somewhat sane than be extremely insane in a meeting. That sounds a little crazy as I type it, but I know that it's the truth. Just because I'm in a meeting doesn't mean that I'm not going to use. There have been multiple times where I have been in a meeting, feeling fucking crazy, and then gone and immediately copped dope afterwards. Sometimes with months clean.
I'm very aware that I've been lacking in the self-care department & really need to get on that.
I'm over-committed right now.
I make plans without realizing the effect that these plans are going to have on me.
I have 3 "home groups" right now, one of which meets two nights a week, which makes a total of 4 nights a week that I'm obligated to be somewhere.
I work 3-4 days a week.
I take the bus everywhere.
I just really feel like I need rest. I sit on the computer before I go to sleep and try to figure out the buses that I'll need to take the next day, and this weekend I'm supposed to be house sitting for Tonya's girlfriend, and it's just fucking stressing me out.
I need to learn how to say no.
I need to learn how to take time for myself, a little bit of time every day, not just neglecting myself for a week or two at a time and then taking a whole day to myself.
Yes, sometimes I deserve a whole day to myself, but really I need to be maintaining my self-care a little bit every day, just like my sobriety and everything else in my life that is important to me.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Checking in.
Checking in because I want to check out.
That instant when you realize that you don't want to do anything productive, are too tired to do anything at all, don't want to go to bed, and realize that it's been like this for days.
This isn't a first for me.
I'm in a "mode" that I've been in before many times, and I don't like it.
I'm hoping that I can just persevere through this and make it to a more healthy place soon.
For now, I suppose all I can do is the next right indicated step, which would probably be to go to sleep, since I need to wake up in about 5 1/2 hours.
Long days, short nights, many hellos, many goodbyes.
That instant when you realize that you don't want to do anything productive, are too tired to do anything at all, don't want to go to bed, and realize that it's been like this for days.
This isn't a first for me.
I'm in a "mode" that I've been in before many times, and I don't like it.
I'm hoping that I can just persevere through this and make it to a more healthy place soon.
For now, I suppose all I can do is the next right indicated step, which would probably be to go to sleep, since I need to wake up in about 5 1/2 hours.
Long days, short nights, many hellos, many goodbyes.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
A woman's worth.
A woman's worth is not about how expensive her clothes are. It's not about what college she went to. It's not about what she majored in. It's not about what she does for a living. It's not about how much money she makes a year. It's not about how big her wedding ring is. It's not about how blonde her hair is. It's not about what size jeans she wears, or the brand on those jeans. It's not about how fair, tan, or dark her skin is. It's not about whether she shaves, waxes, or goes au natural. A woman's worth is not about how white or straight her smile is. A woman's worth is about how big she smiles despite what it looks like. A woman's worth is about the size of her laugh. It's about how she spreads love, not spreads her legs. A woman's worth is about how much she loves herself, just as God made her. It's about how she respects herself, and those around her. A woman's worth is more than skin deep.
Monday, August 27, 2012
The outcome of my behavior.
Hello. So, I recently (almost a week ago) deactivated my facebook again. It seems like it's been a lifetime. I keep wanting to post stuff & then quickly remember that I made the decision to not do so. So I decided to start blogging again. Last night, I bought a couple things on etsy to make myself feel better. I was looking for a mariner's anchor crucifix, but I couldn't find the one that I wanted, so instead I bought these crucifix earrings & these anchor flats.
I'm excited to receive these in the mail . . . And move on in my steps. I need to call my sponsor. I didn't call my sponsor or go to a meeting yesterday. I slept in until 12:45pm and then went to my mom's house in Poulsbo for dinner with my family. It was... interesting. All I really did while there is eat and play plants vs. zombies.
I'm excited to receive these in the mail . . . And move on in my steps. I need to call my sponsor. I didn't call my sponsor or go to a meeting yesterday. I slept in until 12:45pm and then went to my mom's house in Poulsbo for dinner with my family. It was... interesting. All I really did while there is eat and play plants vs. zombies.
A bottom in sobriety.
I don't know if it can really be considered a "bottom", since I'm still in extremely early recovery, but my life is definitely unmanageable due to me acting out, feeling extremely guilty, continuing to act out, feeling even more guilty, and then trying to distract myself from the way I feel by acting out more (online shopping). Staying up until 2, 3, 5, 7am. This is the kind of unmanageable, sick behavior that makes sobriety seem not worth it. I know that I need to read this 6th step so I can move on to the 7th and get a grasp on turning over these defects of character to my higher power; asking him to remove my shortcomings. I know that I won't be perfect after this happens, but I do believe it will be better. I just want to stop. I am so tired, mentally, spiritually and physically. I am yawning as I type this.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
#YOLOL4G
So, this whole YOLO thing, at first I thought, well of course, that's how everyone should live their life. Then I realized that some people did not have the same out look on YOLO as I do. I thought of YOLO as, "You only live once. Live modestly. Live honestly. Live openly. Live willingly. Live lovingly. Live joyously." While some people thought of it as, "You only live once. Let's get drunk tonight. Let's yell YOLO out the car window as we drive by people. Let's continue to live a life full of pride, ego, selfishness, and hatred." I googled something along the lines of "Christianity and Yolo" and came across an article written by a Catholic, and I thought it was very well written. It talked about how those who believe in the resurrection could think about YOLO, and even had some suggested hashtags to use. My favorite was #YOLOL4G which translates to "You only live once, Live for God." Today I choose to live for God. I choose to be in His word, take it to heart, and act on it. To not just read His word, but to live His word. When I googled "#YOLOL4G" It said "Did you mean "YOLO 4G" and just had a bunch of T-Mobile plans. I think that #YOLOL4G is something that us Christians relate to. I just wanted to throw it out there.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Life is pretty awesome today. The day before I posted my last blog is my clean date now. June 24th 2012. That day I was blessed with a car to use for exactly a month. Because of that, I also went to an extreme amount of meetings that month, and was able to apply for jobs, interview for jobs, and start my new job on July 11th. I'm working at a coffee stand in Mountlake Terrace. My boss is really chill, and my co-workers are really chill, too. I love working there. I also started my 1st step out of the step-working guide on my 4th day clean. I'm scheduled to read my 4th step to my sponsor this coming Wednesday. I'm really excited. I put some stuff on there that I thought I would take to the grave. At the end of the month I'll have lived at my Dad's house for one year. That is the longest time I've lived in one place since I was 14. Right before my 14th birthday we moved into the condo and I lived there for 15 months. Since then I haven't lived anywhere for more than about 10 months. I don't know exactly where I'm moving to yet, but I have a few options. They are all just possibilities, and I am not sure 100% the details or how the potential "landlords" really feel about me possibly moving in. However,
Option 1) Move into Ellie's house in Lake City with her & Wesley. $500/mo.
Pros: Way closer to my sponsor, and my sponsors home group, which is at the Lake City Community Center, which there are also 4 other meetings that meet there. It's very close to buses. It's 1 bus from downtown, so it would be easier for me to go visit my family. I'd be living with awesome people who have good sobriety.
Cons: 3 buses from my job.
Option 2) Move into Julia's Mom's basement in Bothell with Julia, Jane & Ali. $250/mo.
Pros: Still close to the 522, which means only 1 bus from Lake City or Downtown. Only 2 buses from my work. I'd be living with Julia. Rent would be extremely cheap so I could save money for a car, and once I get a car, I could get a 2nd job and save money to move out. There is already a bed in the room.
Cons: If Julia relapsed, or if I got on Julia's nerves because we were spending too much time together or something along those lines.
Option 3) Move into Shaun's house with him, Jason and Jacob in Lynnwood. $400ish/mo.
Pros: I'd be living with some awesome guys, we'd have a bonfire thing in the backyard, I'd pretty much always have someone to hang out with, I could have people over, I could stay out late, etc.
Cons: The buses aren't that close. I'm not even sure if Shaun wants me to move in. I'm not even sure if the room will be available.
Option 4) Oxford House. $300-450/mo.
Pros: I'd be living with all sober people.
Cons: I'd be on blackout for at least one month. I'd have to abide by a bunch of stupid rules. I'd have to live with an ass load of women.
Most likely I am going to talk to Ellie and see if I could move in with her. I am going to talk with my sponsor and with my mother and see what they say. I like the first two options best. I'd love to live with Julia & Jane & Ali but at the same time, they are a family, and I feel like I'd be intruding somewhat. I already feel awkward enough around my own Dad... idk. Whatever happens, it will be new, and probably uncomfortable for a while. I am just going to talk about it and then talk to Ellie about it and see what's up. And if things don't work out with Ellie, then I'll talk to Jane about moving in with her. I want to move out by the end of September.
Option 1) Move into Ellie's house in Lake City with her & Wesley. $500/mo.
Pros: Way closer to my sponsor, and my sponsors home group, which is at the Lake City Community Center, which there are also 4 other meetings that meet there. It's very close to buses. It's 1 bus from downtown, so it would be easier for me to go visit my family. I'd be living with awesome people who have good sobriety.
Cons: 3 buses from my job.
Option 2) Move into Julia's Mom's basement in Bothell with Julia, Jane & Ali. $250/mo.
Pros: Still close to the 522, which means only 1 bus from Lake City or Downtown. Only 2 buses from my work. I'd be living with Julia. Rent would be extremely cheap so I could save money for a car, and once I get a car, I could get a 2nd job and save money to move out. There is already a bed in the room.
Cons: If Julia relapsed, or if I got on Julia's nerves because we were spending too much time together or something along those lines.
Option 3) Move into Shaun's house with him, Jason and Jacob in Lynnwood. $400ish/mo.
Pros: I'd be living with some awesome guys, we'd have a bonfire thing in the backyard, I'd pretty much always have someone to hang out with, I could have people over, I could stay out late, etc.
Cons: The buses aren't that close. I'm not even sure if Shaun wants me to move in. I'm not even sure if the room will be available.
Option 4) Oxford House. $300-450/mo.
Pros: I'd be living with all sober people.
Cons: I'd be on blackout for at least one month. I'd have to abide by a bunch of stupid rules. I'd have to live with an ass load of women.
Most likely I am going to talk to Ellie and see if I could move in with her. I am going to talk with my sponsor and with my mother and see what they say. I like the first two options best. I'd love to live with Julia & Jane & Ali but at the same time, they are a family, and I feel like I'd be intruding somewhat. I already feel awkward enough around my own Dad... idk. Whatever happens, it will be new, and probably uncomfortable for a while. I am just going to talk about it and then talk to Ellie about it and see what's up. And if things don't work out with Ellie, then I'll talk to Jane about moving in with her. I want to move out by the end of September.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Life is so interesting.
The ebbs and flows of life; the people in it; the scenery around me and in my head changes so often.
The last time I wrote a blog was November? Things have changed. Mentally, physically, and spiritually.
I used a drug on the 12th of this month, and have been drinking since then. I easily fell back into old behavior, actually before I even relapsed. It's strange how one event leads to another, and another, and another, and before you know it you're here and wondering how it happened. It doesn't always end unfortunately, actually, it never ends. Life just keeps going, until, well, I don't know what happens in the future.
On the 14th I was at my house, bored, talking to guys online. A guy from Redmond, I think, was going to pick me up and we were going to go over to his house and smoke. Peter called me and asked me what I was doing, so I told him. He didn't agree with this, and told me that he was going to come pick me up. I told this man from Redmond that my Dad was on his way home so I couldn't go anywhere. Peter picked me up, and we went to wal-mart and did a little browsing, a little purchasing, but it didn't kill much time. We ended up going to the AFK Tavern in Everett, because it was either that or Tailgators, which I've never been to before. I went to AFK once last year with Cameron and his friends.
When we got to AFK, Peter asked me if I was going to drink. I wasn't planning on it, but since he apparently didn't mind too much, I decided to. There was a cute, young looking man there, so I talked to him a little bit. I drank half my drink, gave this young man my number, and left.
I got a text later that night, maybe the next day. This young mans name was Christian. He seemed a bit off after texting for a while, and meeting up for drinks again by my house. I felt like I was getting mixed signals - although he said I was the one sending mixed signals. We continued to text and joke around and make fun of each other, but I felt like I had to chase him a little too much.
On Saturday, he invited me over, so I headed on over to his house to drink and hang out. His roommate - Scott - was there. Scott looks just like my ex-boyfriend who is in the navy, Ryan. Not identical, but extremely similar. They could be brothers. When he makes certain faces, he does look identical to Ryan. So we all drank some absinthe, which was a first for me. We smoked some hookah, drank a bunch of other drinks, and then people started coming over. It was quite a fun night. Drinks, hookah, catchphrase, other games. It was my first time since I turned 21 that I felt I was drinking in a "normal" drinking atmosphere for people my age. Everyone was very nice. One girl wanted me to add her on facebook, so I did. She was very nice. I hope to hang out with these people again.
At one point in the night, I went to the bathroom and got sick. That was pretty embarrassing, but I could tell that everyone else was too drunk / loud that they didn't notice. I was in the bathroom, and I'm pretty discreet. As the night came to an end, about 3am or so, Scott and I sat on the couch, and Christian sat in the chair, and we watched some netflix for a while. Scott fell asleep on the couch, and Christian and I went to his bedroom to sleep.
Christian was being extremely strange. I almost don't even want to talk about what happened. But basically I was getting extremely mixed signals from him. We didn't kiss, we didn't have sex. I ended up getting up a few more times to go to the bathroom and puke, and finally at one point decided to not go back to his room as to not disturb him. I went and sat on the couch next to Scott, who was coming in and out of sleep.
At this point is was about 6am and I decided that I wanted to go home, I was sick and tired. I texted Peter, "Will you please come pick me up? I'm in Everett. I'm done drinking. I'm done lying to people. Today is going to be my clean date. I really don't want to be where I am right now. I'm sorry for putting you through these past couple weeks."
Once Scott woke up again, I asked him if he wanted to go out to Patty's Eggnest in a little bit. He said yes, but said that Christian probably won't want to go; he will probably want to sleep in. I said that was okay with me. So I texted Peter and told him that I found a ride home.
Shortly after this, Scott gave me his pillow and blanket and he went to his bedroom. Shortly after that, he told me that he can't sleep, so I can go sleep in his bed if I wanted to. I tried to. Obviously, it was already light out, and I am an insomniac, so I couldn't go back to sleep either. I got the rest of my clothes and things out of Christian's bedroom, got dressed, and asked Scott if he was ready to go to Patty's Eggnest.
Scott was extremely gentleman like. He made bits of conversation, opened doors for me, and even paid for my food, although I offered to pay. While we were there he also decided that he wanted to add me on facebook. By the time he dropped me off at my house, I had decided that shifting my focus from Christian to Scott wouldn't be considered homie hopping, since:
1) Christian and Scott are not homies. And
2) Christian and I never kissed or had sex.
After being up for a few hours, Scott messaged me his number and told me that we should hang out later this week. My head is already in obsessive mode, although I'm trying to not let it. That's one thing that's hard for me to control. To be completely honest, and I damn sure hope that he doesn't read this, (but if he does, I guess he's just as obsessive as me?) I already googled him and looked at his entire myspace. Well, all the photos and all the blogs, which to me, is everything important.
I am already just future tripping so much, which is equal to giving my hopes up. I don't want to do that, I just see something that I want and I want it and . . . yeah. Once I think of what I'm actually doing, it sounds so ridiculous. I want to write things like, "I really like this guy." But with my chances, he probably does not see me the same way, at least not yet. I'm pretty sure that he is just a legitimately nice guy who has great manners and was raised well. However, when I get treated like this by a man, I automatically think, "He must want to get in my pants." "He must want me to be his girlfriend." Etcetera.
But who knows. I can obsess as much as I want to, but it won't do me any good. It will just pass the time and give my hopes up. So let's just take the next indicated step, instead of thinking about this mountain in front of me.
The funny thing about this blog is that I didn't plan to write any of that. I wanted to write some type of thing explaining why I totally "understand him" and I can totally "be that person to fill that void" and a bunch of other stupid bullshit, after reading his blogs. I did enjoy reading his blog, though. It's nice to see that I'm not the only one that felt / feels that way sometimes. Like I told Lucy - Normies aren't normal. They're just like us. They just cope differently.
The last time I wrote a blog was November? Things have changed. Mentally, physically, and spiritually.
I used a drug on the 12th of this month, and have been drinking since then. I easily fell back into old behavior, actually before I even relapsed. It's strange how one event leads to another, and another, and another, and before you know it you're here and wondering how it happened. It doesn't always end unfortunately, actually, it never ends. Life just keeps going, until, well, I don't know what happens in the future.
On the 14th I was at my house, bored, talking to guys online. A guy from Redmond, I think, was going to pick me up and we were going to go over to his house and smoke. Peter called me and asked me what I was doing, so I told him. He didn't agree with this, and told me that he was going to come pick me up. I told this man from Redmond that my Dad was on his way home so I couldn't go anywhere. Peter picked me up, and we went to wal-mart and did a little browsing, a little purchasing, but it didn't kill much time. We ended up going to the AFK Tavern in Everett, because it was either that or Tailgators, which I've never been to before. I went to AFK once last year with Cameron and his friends.
When we got to AFK, Peter asked me if I was going to drink. I wasn't planning on it, but since he apparently didn't mind too much, I decided to. There was a cute, young looking man there, so I talked to him a little bit. I drank half my drink, gave this young man my number, and left.
I got a text later that night, maybe the next day. This young mans name was Christian. He seemed a bit off after texting for a while, and meeting up for drinks again by my house. I felt like I was getting mixed signals - although he said I was the one sending mixed signals. We continued to text and joke around and make fun of each other, but I felt like I had to chase him a little too much.
On Saturday, he invited me over, so I headed on over to his house to drink and hang out. His roommate - Scott - was there. Scott looks just like my ex-boyfriend who is in the navy, Ryan. Not identical, but extremely similar. They could be brothers. When he makes certain faces, he does look identical to Ryan. So we all drank some absinthe, which was a first for me. We smoked some hookah, drank a bunch of other drinks, and then people started coming over. It was quite a fun night. Drinks, hookah, catchphrase, other games. It was my first time since I turned 21 that I felt I was drinking in a "normal" drinking atmosphere for people my age. Everyone was very nice. One girl wanted me to add her on facebook, so I did. She was very nice. I hope to hang out with these people again.
At one point in the night, I went to the bathroom and got sick. That was pretty embarrassing, but I could tell that everyone else was too drunk / loud that they didn't notice. I was in the bathroom, and I'm pretty discreet. As the night came to an end, about 3am or so, Scott and I sat on the couch, and Christian sat in the chair, and we watched some netflix for a while. Scott fell asleep on the couch, and Christian and I went to his bedroom to sleep.
Christian was being extremely strange. I almost don't even want to talk about what happened. But basically I was getting extremely mixed signals from him. We didn't kiss, we didn't have sex. I ended up getting up a few more times to go to the bathroom and puke, and finally at one point decided to not go back to his room as to not disturb him. I went and sat on the couch next to Scott, who was coming in and out of sleep.
At this point is was about 6am and I decided that I wanted to go home, I was sick and tired. I texted Peter, "Will you please come pick me up? I'm in Everett. I'm done drinking. I'm done lying to people. Today is going to be my clean date. I really don't want to be where I am right now. I'm sorry for putting you through these past couple weeks."
Once Scott woke up again, I asked him if he wanted to go out to Patty's Eggnest in a little bit. He said yes, but said that Christian probably won't want to go; he will probably want to sleep in. I said that was okay with me. So I texted Peter and told him that I found a ride home.
Shortly after this, Scott gave me his pillow and blanket and he went to his bedroom. Shortly after that, he told me that he can't sleep, so I can go sleep in his bed if I wanted to. I tried to. Obviously, it was already light out, and I am an insomniac, so I couldn't go back to sleep either. I got the rest of my clothes and things out of Christian's bedroom, got dressed, and asked Scott if he was ready to go to Patty's Eggnest.
Scott was extremely gentleman like. He made bits of conversation, opened doors for me, and even paid for my food, although I offered to pay. While we were there he also decided that he wanted to add me on facebook. By the time he dropped me off at my house, I had decided that shifting my focus from Christian to Scott wouldn't be considered homie hopping, since:
1) Christian and Scott are not homies. And
2) Christian and I never kissed or had sex.
After being up for a few hours, Scott messaged me his number and told me that we should hang out later this week. My head is already in obsessive mode, although I'm trying to not let it. That's one thing that's hard for me to control. To be completely honest, and I damn sure hope that he doesn't read this, (but if he does, I guess he's just as obsessive as me?) I already googled him and looked at his entire myspace. Well, all the photos and all the blogs, which to me, is everything important.
I am already just future tripping so much, which is equal to giving my hopes up. I don't want to do that, I just see something that I want and I want it and . . . yeah. Once I think of what I'm actually doing, it sounds so ridiculous. I want to write things like, "I really like this guy." But with my chances, he probably does not see me the same way, at least not yet. I'm pretty sure that he is just a legitimately nice guy who has great manners and was raised well. However, when I get treated like this by a man, I automatically think, "He must want to get in my pants." "He must want me to be his girlfriend." Etcetera.
But who knows. I can obsess as much as I want to, but it won't do me any good. It will just pass the time and give my hopes up. So let's just take the next indicated step, instead of thinking about this mountain in front of me.
The funny thing about this blog is that I didn't plan to write any of that. I wanted to write some type of thing explaining why I totally "understand him" and I can totally "be that person to fill that void" and a bunch of other stupid bullshit, after reading his blogs. I did enjoy reading his blog, though. It's nice to see that I'm not the only one that felt / feels that way sometimes. Like I told Lucy - Normies aren't normal. They're just like us. They just cope differently.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Sleep Deprivatioin.
Well, well, well. Look whose staying up until 5am... or later. Wednesday night I stayed up until past 7am playing PVZ. My Co-Worker gave me a copy of it. I haven't played it since I was living in my Oxford House before my computer crashed again. Tonight after I got home from a midnight meeting and hanging out, I uploaded another video onto my youtube account and played PVZ... and now I'm pretty much just doing anything to avoid going to sleep. The things I've been doing are obviously not important, anyways, since I don't even remember what I was doing 2 minutes ago on the computer. Just random stuff that doesn't matter... I wish I could remember, though...
Oh, yeah, I was reviewing businesses on google... strange.
This is what happens when I want to avoid doing things... including sleeping.
I stay up all night on the computer doing things that aren't important.
Instead of getting ADEQUATE SLEEP or doing stepwork or anything that would actually be BENEFICIAL to me.
Is that procrastination or a death wish?
It could be a little of both.
I should probably go to sleep.
Oh, yeah, I was reviewing businesses on google... strange.
This is what happens when I want to avoid doing things... including sleeping.
I stay up all night on the computer doing things that aren't important.
Instead of getting ADEQUATE SLEEP or doing stepwork or anything that would actually be BENEFICIAL to me.
Is that procrastination or a death wish?
It could be a little of both.
I should probably go to sleep.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Yayyy!!!
I'm sure my words will not give this justice, (especially since it is 3:19am and I'm just about brain dead) but I will try to describe what's up.
I have been really struggling to share my feelings, secrets, etc, with people. This morning I finally went to see my mental health psychotherapist to do paperwork, and I already feel so comfortable with her. We are going to start psychotherapy next week and do it once a week for now. I am so excited to start psychotherapy. I already feel more comfortable telling my secrets.
Tonight a very close friend of mine that I went to treatment with came over and we had an 'AANA' meeting. We read literature from both the Big Book and the Basic Text. It was awesome. I really opened up, and even though it was 'just' my friend, it was still just this amazing share, both times that her and I shared. Since it was so good, we decided that next Saturday we are each going to invite two girls to come join us!
After my friend went home, I stayed up for almost two more hours writing a "pre-amble" or whatever the thing is called that the secretary reads. SOO anyways... besides that, I got paid on Friday and paid Wells Fargo back all the money that I owed them, went clothes shopping, bought make-up, tithed and contributed money to my homegroup, and I still have money left over! I'm very excited about that.
I have been really struggling to share my feelings, secrets, etc, with people. This morning I finally went to see my mental health psychotherapist to do paperwork, and I already feel so comfortable with her. We are going to start psychotherapy next week and do it once a week for now. I am so excited to start psychotherapy. I already feel more comfortable telling my secrets.
Tonight a very close friend of mine that I went to treatment with came over and we had an 'AANA' meeting. We read literature from both the Big Book and the Basic Text. It was awesome. I really opened up, and even though it was 'just' my friend, it was still just this amazing share, both times that her and I shared. Since it was so good, we decided that next Saturday we are each going to invite two girls to come join us!
After my friend went home, I stayed up for almost two more hours writing a "pre-amble" or whatever the thing is called that the secretary reads. SOO anyways... besides that, I got paid on Friday and paid Wells Fargo back all the money that I owed them, went clothes shopping, bought make-up, tithed and contributed money to my homegroup, and I still have money left over! I'm very excited about that.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
recovery spit (updated 11-15-11)
Sung to the tune of Gucci Gucci
Gucci Gucci Louie Louie Fendi Fendi Prada
Basic bitches wear that shit / so I don’t even bother
Girl you think you’re lookin’ cute / You’re man, he thinks I’m hotter
You dress yourself up to look nice / But I don’t even gotta
You might have material shit / But I gotta lotta
Love, acceptance, happiness / and you got zero, nada
I’m already heating up / Please go get me some water
You be shoppin’ at the mall / Girl, I make my own shit
You look like the rest of ‘em all / I got a unique fit
Like Charlie Sheen, I’m Winning / Girl, You need to just quit
I’ma stand up nice & tall / maybe you should just sit
Down before you trip & fall / Blood everywhere cuz you just split
Your head open / I’m not hopin / I’m just knowin / I’m not playin
I’m just sayin’ / I’m a prophet / I’m that hot shit / I’m not jokin
I’m not blowin / Smoke up ya ass / I don’t do that
I do that out the window / Just kidding / HAHAHA
I don’t smoke that indo / Used to though / Spent all my dough
Hustle all day / Yeah I was a ho / Fucked Billy, Bob / Sam & Joe
It’s not like I’m proud / You know / Usually keep it / On the down low
Not everybody Needs to know / I made bank but / Was still po`
Spent money on drugs / just said SO / Did my 1st step and
I was like WHOAH / Never realized / Did not know
Life was not manageable / Cuz of E and alcohol
and that H and all that dro / But it’s all good / I’m clean now yo
I’m very aware / Of the power of prayer / I asked for God’s help
Though I thought he wasn’t there / I was so alone / I was so scared
I didn’t know God loved me / I didn’t know he cared
This is what I did before I knew he was there
I used to blaze / Lookin all glazed
But then my life started getting all gray / It stopped bein good
It stopped bein great / Saw that dragon / I started to chase
Man I’d be / fucked up for days / No it was not / just a faze
My life was / a fucking waste / started to love / that bitter taste
But then I started to hate / it / so I quit / and that was the end of it
Now I don’t smoke even a little bit / Well except for cigarettes
but those do not get me lit / Now I’m on that recovery tip
I no longer take those hits / I admit / I was powerless
down to my last hour shit / Drugs yeah I devoured them
But then they devoured me / They did not empower me
I was just a coward, see / I would not face my feelings
But now my heart is healing / With this life I am dealing
Now my life has much meaning / Now God is all that I need
Starve my fear / It’s faith I feed / Oh boy did I really need
Some clarification / In that situation
Cause my body, mind, soul, and heart were breaking / I was miserable
Day out and day in / I was dead / Now I’m awakened
Now I got hope / Now I got faith / Now I got friends that ain’t so fake
Stick with the winners / Like they say
Now I’m not always getting all blazed / All messed up and in a haze
7 15 is my clean date / I’ll get some time if I just wait / Is this destiny
Is this fate / I don’t know what that shit is / But if I’m loving
Don’t show no hate / I know whose will I’m in / It’s his
God’s will isn’t just for me / I know it’s for all of us
But not everyone stays clean / Some of us get off this bus
Instead of recovery / It’s the drugs that they trust
Or their heart was just not touched / Or they didn’t have enough
Maybe they just were not done / They went for another run
Thought this time it would be fun / But that shit is fucking dumb
Now they are just fucking numb / They are lost / So far, I’ve won
But it’s all good / It’s okay / I’ma talk to God and pray / For you
Won’t say boo hoo / Won’t say poor you / Just support you
When you crawl back / When you fall back / When you call back / When you come back
When you run back / And you’re done with your sack
Gucci Gucci Louie Louie Fendi Fendi Prada
Basic bitches wear that shit / so I don’t even bother
Girl you think you’re lookin’ cute / You’re man, he thinks I’m hotter
You dress yourself up to look nice / But I don’t even gotta
You might have material shit / But I gotta lotta
Love, acceptance, happiness / and you got zero, nada
I’m already heating up / Please go get me some water
You be shoppin’ at the mall / Girl, I make my own shit
You look like the rest of ‘em all / I got a unique fit
Like Charlie Sheen, I’m Winning / Girl, You need to just quit
I’ma stand up nice & tall / maybe you should just sit
Down before you trip & fall / Blood everywhere cuz you just split
Your head open / I’m not hopin / I’m just knowin / I’m not playin
I’m just sayin’ / I’m a prophet / I’m that hot shit / I’m not jokin
I’m not blowin / Smoke up ya ass / I don’t do that
I do that out the window / Just kidding / HAHAHA
I don’t smoke that indo / Used to though / Spent all my dough
Hustle all day / Yeah I was a ho / Fucked Billy, Bob / Sam & Joe
It’s not like I’m proud / You know / Usually keep it / On the down low
Not everybody Needs to know / I made bank but / Was still po`
Spent money on drugs / just said SO / Did my 1st step and
I was like WHOAH / Never realized / Did not know
Life was not manageable / Cuz of E and alcohol
and that H and all that dro / But it’s all good / I’m clean now yo
I’m very aware / Of the power of prayer / I asked for God’s help
Though I thought he wasn’t there / I was so alone / I was so scared
I didn’t know God loved me / I didn’t know he cared
This is what I did before I knew he was there
I used to blaze / Lookin all glazed
But then my life started getting all gray / It stopped bein good
It stopped bein great / Saw that dragon / I started to chase
Man I’d be / fucked up for days / No it was not / just a faze
My life was / a fucking waste / started to love / that bitter taste
But then I started to hate / it / so I quit / and that was the end of it
Now I don’t smoke even a little bit / Well except for cigarettes
but those do not get me lit / Now I’m on that recovery tip
I no longer take those hits / I admit / I was powerless
down to my last hour shit / Drugs yeah I devoured them
But then they devoured me / They did not empower me
I was just a coward, see / I would not face my feelings
But now my heart is healing / With this life I am dealing
Now my life has much meaning / Now God is all that I need
Starve my fear / It’s faith I feed / Oh boy did I really need
Some clarification / In that situation
Cause my body, mind, soul, and heart were breaking / I was miserable
Day out and day in / I was dead / Now I’m awakened
Now I got hope / Now I got faith / Now I got friends that ain’t so fake
Stick with the winners / Like they say
Now I’m not always getting all blazed / All messed up and in a haze
7 15 is my clean date / I’ll get some time if I just wait / Is this destiny
Is this fate / I don’t know what that shit is / But if I’m loving
Don’t show no hate / I know whose will I’m in / It’s his
God’s will isn’t just for me / I know it’s for all of us
But not everyone stays clean / Some of us get off this bus
Instead of recovery / It’s the drugs that they trust
Or their heart was just not touched / Or they didn’t have enough
Maybe they just were not done / They went for another run
Thought this time it would be fun / But that shit is fucking dumb
Now they are just fucking numb / They are lost / So far, I’ve won
But it’s all good / It’s okay / I’ma talk to God and pray / For you
Won’t say boo hoo / Won’t say poor you / Just support you
When you crawl back / When you fall back / When you call back / When you come back
When you run back / And you’re done with your sack
Fairy Tale
I finished my 2nd step, watched this video
and somehow came up with this song, which is to be sung to the tune Lights by Ellie Goulding
(Intro)
I used to think that
you were just some kind of fairy tale
but now I see
that you are very very very real
(Verse 1)
I see the things you make
and the things you break
and I see power and strength
I see the lives you take
and the lives you save
and I see love and grace
(Chorus 1)
And I've fallen, fallen, fallen so short
I was living in the dead world
but then something happened to me
Felt your love and fell to my knees
(Verse 2)
I see the things you do
the mountains you move
and I am so amazed
Your creations are good
Your love is great
You can not be replaced
(Chorus 2)
And I've fallen, fallen, fallen for you
So I'll stand, I'll stand up for you
With all of my heart I love you
There is no love that's above you
(Verse 3)
I feel the love you give
see the treasures you hid
it brightens up my face
I hear the words you say
so I glorify your name
My voice shouts out in praise
(Chorus 3)
Lord, we've fallen, fallen, fallen for you
So we stand, we stand up for you
With all of our hearts, we love you
There is no love that's above you
(Verse 4)
I see the things you create
The universe, the snowflakes
You make no mistakes
You are so pure
You are so brave
You are everything
(Chorus 3)
(Verse 5)
Your love is all
That fills us up
You fill our cup and our plate
You're all we need
To stay sustained
It's only you we crave
(Chorus 3)
(Verse 6)
I once was lost
Now I am found
You helped me out of this maze
I once was dead
But now I'm alive
You saved me from the grave
(Chorus 3)
(Verse 7)
Every single day
To only you we pray
Your love fills this place
For my sins you paid
Lord, it's us you saved
Now we have a clean slate
(Chorus 3, repeat)
and somehow came up with this song, which is to be sung to the tune Lights by Ellie Goulding
(Intro)
I used to think that
you were just some kind of fairy tale
but now I see
that you are very very very real
(Verse 1)
I see the things you make
and the things you break
and I see power and strength
I see the lives you take
and the lives you save
and I see love and grace
(Chorus 1)
And I've fallen, fallen, fallen so short
I was living in the dead world
but then something happened to me
Felt your love and fell to my knees
(Verse 2)
I see the things you do
the mountains you move
and I am so amazed
Your creations are good
Your love is great
You can not be replaced
(Chorus 2)
And I've fallen, fallen, fallen for you
So I'll stand, I'll stand up for you
With all of my heart I love you
There is no love that's above you
(Verse 3)
I feel the love you give
see the treasures you hid
it brightens up my face
I hear the words you say
so I glorify your name
My voice shouts out in praise
(Chorus 3)
Lord, we've fallen, fallen, fallen for you
So we stand, we stand up for you
With all of our hearts, we love you
There is no love that's above you
(Verse 4)
I see the things you create
The universe, the snowflakes
You make no mistakes
You are so pure
You are so brave
You are everything
(Chorus 3)
(Verse 5)
Your love is all
That fills us up
You fill our cup and our plate
You're all we need
To stay sustained
It's only you we crave
(Chorus 3)
(Verse 6)
I once was lost
Now I am found
You helped me out of this maze
I once was dead
But now I'm alive
You saved me from the grave
(Chorus 3)
(Verse 7)
Every single day
To only you we pray
Your love fills this place
For my sins you paid
Lord, it's us you saved
Now we have a clean slate
(Chorus 3, repeat)
Monday, September 26, 2011
Breaking shit down.
I was reading the comments for the Gregory and the Hawk 'A Wish' lyrics on songmeanings.com, and some of the people are so stupid (or maybe I am just judgemental because I think I'm right about everything.) But I would like to talk about what I think the meaning of the lyrics are. Most of them are pretty forward, I believe, but some people need explanation. Also, how I relate to some of these lyrics, and have had experience in these areas.
I wish to feel smaller under your sheets.
I believe this is self explanatory. I want to feel smaller, skinnier, not so big, under your sheets. Don't all girls feel like that?
I wish for the whole truth every time you speak.
He probably sticks to the short answers. My ex used to do this. "Where were you at after work?" "A friends house / Robbie's house / Buying weed." But didn't mention that another girl was there, or that he went over to the other girls house after that.
I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me, while I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep...
Self explanatory. He obviously doesn't care that much. He shows up, has sex, smokes cigarettes, goes to sleep.
And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
Ignoring me the morning after
isn't enough
The third line explains the second. She told him how she feels about him, and he 'stuck it in his pocket' or acknowledged it, but disregarded it, ignored it, didn't really have a response.
and I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
I could be wrong, but I think it's obvious that this line talks about her cutting herself. This happens to lots of girls in their teen years. I dealt with it, along with a lot of my really close friends. Shit, I'm 21 years old and this happened to me just last month.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.
He's not going to stay. He's going to leave and break her heart. Whether or not he leaves, her heart is already breaking and it's going to be completely broken when she stops being in denial about him being an asshole. Going through something like this (being cheated on, not cared for, abused, etc.) makes it a lot harder to give your heart to the next person. It's hard to give your heart to someone if the least person's heart tore yours away.
And I wish to feel smaller under your hands,
though you seem satisfied as you slip mine
down your pants.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
While you lift up my shirt after asking politely.
And I guess it doesn't matter what I am or pretend to be
Cuz it's her you'll always love and it's her I'll always envy.
Self explanatory... She can try her best, pretend to be perfect, cater to him, etc, but it's her (an ex or another girl) he'll always love. She'll always envy her for having her man's love.
I want to end this now so dreams of you won't keep me up.
This one, I'm not sure about. I believe she is either talking about ending the relationship or ending her life. Possibly she's already having dreams about him that keep her up, and she thinks that ending the relationship would stop the dreams. Or ending her life (since I already think she's cutting herself) so that she won't have to worry about having any dreams anymore at all, considering the fact that ending the relationship doesn't always mean the dreams go away.
But I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.
And it's hard to find
What I want
When it's buried beneath the biggest rock.
I could pay lots of money
To help lift it with machines
But I'm not sure you'd cooperate.
Not sure you'd come clean.
It seems like what she wants is his love, and the biggest rock is a huge obstacle, probably the other girl. She could 'pay lots of money' or put a lot of effort into proving that there is another girl, but she's not sure if he'd cooperate or come clean. I totally understand this. I had a ridiculous amount of proof that my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me, and stll to this day (two years later) he denies it. I 'lifted the biggest rock' but he still wouldn't cooperate or come clean.
And I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep.
And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
Ignoring me the morning after isn't enough
and I swear I'm going to cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
Yeah, I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.
Is gonna tear mine away.
I wish to feel smaller under your sheets.
I believe this is self explanatory. I want to feel smaller, skinnier, not so big, under your sheets. Don't all girls feel like that?
I wish for the whole truth every time you speak.
He probably sticks to the short answers. My ex used to do this. "Where were you at after work?" "A friends house / Robbie's house / Buying weed." But didn't mention that another girl was there, or that he went over to the other girls house after that.
I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me, while I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep...
Self explanatory. He obviously doesn't care that much. He shows up, has sex, smokes cigarettes, goes to sleep.
And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
Ignoring me the morning after
isn't enough
The third line explains the second. She told him how she feels about him, and he 'stuck it in his pocket' or acknowledged it, but disregarded it, ignored it, didn't really have a response.
and I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
I could be wrong, but I think it's obvious that this line talks about her cutting herself. This happens to lots of girls in their teen years. I dealt with it, along with a lot of my really close friends. Shit, I'm 21 years old and this happened to me just last month.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.
He's not going to stay. He's going to leave and break her heart. Whether or not he leaves, her heart is already breaking and it's going to be completely broken when she stops being in denial about him being an asshole. Going through something like this (being cheated on, not cared for, abused, etc.) makes it a lot harder to give your heart to the next person. It's hard to give your heart to someone if the least person's heart tore yours away.
And I wish to feel smaller under your hands,
though you seem satisfied as you slip mine
down your pants.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
While you lift up my shirt after asking politely.
And I guess it doesn't matter what I am or pretend to be
Cuz it's her you'll always love and it's her I'll always envy.
Self explanatory... She can try her best, pretend to be perfect, cater to him, etc, but it's her (an ex or another girl) he'll always love. She'll always envy her for having her man's love.
I want to end this now so dreams of you won't keep me up.
This one, I'm not sure about. I believe she is either talking about ending the relationship or ending her life. Possibly she's already having dreams about him that keep her up, and she thinks that ending the relationship would stop the dreams. Or ending her life (since I already think she's cutting herself) so that she won't have to worry about having any dreams anymore at all, considering the fact that ending the relationship doesn't always mean the dreams go away.
But I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.
And it's hard to find
What I want
When it's buried beneath the biggest rock.
I could pay lots of money
To help lift it with machines
But I'm not sure you'd cooperate.
Not sure you'd come clean.
It seems like what she wants is his love, and the biggest rock is a huge obstacle, probably the other girl. She could 'pay lots of money' or put a lot of effort into proving that there is another girl, but she's not sure if he'd cooperate or come clean. I totally understand this. I had a ridiculous amount of proof that my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me, and stll to this day (two years later) he denies it. I 'lifted the biggest rock' but he still wouldn't cooperate or come clean.
And I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep.
And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
Ignoring me the morning after isn't enough
and I swear I'm going to cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
Yeah, I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.
Is gonna tear mine away.
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