more dreams, & what's up

A while ago, I had a dream that one of my bosses (Steve) and me were working on some kind of secret project or something. He wanted me to shave some kind of code into his facial hair. So I did, but I don't really have experience shaving mens faces, so I kept cutting him on accident. He got angry and was bleeding. We were at a grocery outlet or some kind of outlet store. I don't remember much else.

Last night, I had a dream that I was with this guy that used to come into my job. He is really attractive, really nice. I have always had a little crush on him. I don't remember what was going on. But I remember he invited me back to his apartment and I went into his bathroom. He had a huge bath tub. I ran water for a buble bath. In the drain, there were a bunch of small round things. They were like those things that you stick onto your face that kids play with and they are rubber or something. I don't know how to explain it. There were a bunch of them, like 10 or more. Somehow I got the idea that they were pills that would mess me up, like vicodin or something along those lines. So I started popping them in twos, by colors. They were all different bright colors. I took a bunch of them. I don't remember what else happened. I remember being in a bed with him, I think. It was the bottom of a bunk bed. I don't remember being intimate with him, but I remember the feeling of it. Like we were together. I don't really remember much else.

I am tring to get and stay clean. I have 3 days today. The hard parts are just the fact that most of my friends use. Of course, I'm 20 years old. That's what kids around my age do. Another hard part is that there's nothing to do here at my mom's house, where I'm living. I'm trying to find a job out here and meetings out here and stuff to do with clean people. I need to find a church out here, too. I don't know what else to do.

What's new? (Mormonism & Lucid dreaming)

After being baptised in the LDS Church and attending their Church for only 4 months, I continued to do more research and found things about the church that I highly disagree with. These are things that even most Mormons don't know. I suspect that if they found these things out, a majority of them would no longer want to be part of the LDS Church. Although the LDS Church puts good values in people, it's history is almost all lies. I won't go too into this, but if you want to research these things, go ahead. Do enough research and you will see what I'm talking about. I have not officially resigned yet, but stopped attending.

I have been reading up a little bit on Lucid Dreaming. If you don't know what Lucid Dreaming is, it is when you are awake in your dream. You realize that you are dreaming. One thing that is supposed to help you awaken in your dream is to remember your dreams and keep a dream journal. I couldn't find a pen this morning so I am going to write my dreams here.

1. I remember looking in my purse and seeing an American express card and another credit card, both in my father's name.

2. I was working at a Safeway. I was in the employee break room with a bunch of other younger girls. One of the girls, who was darker, but not black, had thick leg hair like me. She was wearing black leggings that were purposely tore on her knee and a little bit on her leg. I remember it made me feel better about myself and more comfortable that I wasn't the only girl there who didn't care about her leg hair. We were all sitting against lockers. I remember I was working the espresso stand there but only one person got something. It was a child's hot chocolate. Instead of mixing milk and chocolate, we used chocolate milk. We were out of chocolate milk in cardboard boxes, like they give you in school, so I dumped chocolate milk that was in a small aluminum can into one of the small cardboard box container things and steamed it in there, instead of in a pitcher. I remember only a tiny bit came out of the can, only enough for a small spoon full. I actually didn't put it in a cup, I put it on a spoon. Then something with whip cream. I don't remember. Then for some reason all the employees had to line up around there store and sing some sort of anthem. I was standing by refrigerated drinks or dairy or something. Then I remember going to the back again, to the employee lounge, but it looked different this time. Jay, the milkman, was bringing in our milk. Then he was hanging out with me on the couch. We were enjoying crush-floats (instead of root beer floats). I remember my mom was there and I think my sister and they were waiting for me to get off work but I was taking my time hanging out. I noticed something under/behind the couch. It was a very small new-born Chihuahua. There were several of them. I didn't want to just leave them there so I started putting them in some kind of bag, so I could take them with me. I got all of them in the bag, then went to the sink to rinse them off. They somehow were no longer puppies. They were insects now. I dumped them out and ran the water so they would go down the drain. I felt like I had some in my throat. I started coughing and spitting them out. Then I woke up.

That was all I remember from my dreams last night.

Hmm.

So here I am, 6 days before I am supposed to move back in with my mother, already moved some things here, and my mother tells me she wants me to move into the condo. Rent free. Just have to pay utilities. I guess I would be in the same situation either way. Except if I was to stay with my Mom, I wouldn't be paying utilities, and I wouldn't really be buying food. I just found this out a few hours ago, so it is still boggling my mind. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. I guess I'm going to move in, try to get a roommate so that I can pay for some things, and probably try to get a job with Nate at comcast. If that doesn't work out I will try to get a job closer to the condo. Probably go to school. It just feels like I never get a break. This is one of the many reasons why I feel the way I feel about a lot of things. Families are so important. Because it's how you raise your children and what you can provide for them that depends on their future. I did not get the worst raising in the world, but God knows I didn't have the best either. I've worked with what I was given but I feel like I'm just at sea level. I'm not in massive debt or dead or anywhere below sea level, but I'm also not up high above, in major success. I'm always just barely making it, my bank account constantly at just barely not being overdrawn. I am just going to have to do this. I don't know what exactly it is I'm supposed to do yet. But I'm just going to keep PUSHing. (Pray Until Something Happens.) I could go on and on. I have so much more to say. But I'm so tired.

Inspiration.

What keeps me pulling through is that I know the word is true.
What keeps me going everyday is that I know in the end it will all be okay.
What gives me inspiration is to know that I ain't gave in.
What keeps me strong is that I keep holding on.
What keeps me alive is that the time keeps on ticking and I'm still here breathing and the blood in my veins is still there and most of all the fact that you still care.


I found out today about my new church when I move, which is brand new. It's the Silverdale 5th ward, and yes, it's a YSA (Youth Single Adults) which will be the first YSA I've attended. I also found out that the name of the community college out there isn't Cascadia, it's Olympic. And they actually do not provide agriculture. But Vincennes University is in Silverdale (although I think it might be mostly online) and they offer a 2year program in agriculture, and a transfer to Purdue or Pursue (I think) University, which I also think is mostly online, if I want to further my agriculture education. So I'm pretty excited to move! Let's see, it's August 18th so I only have... 13 more days until I move!!!

Progress.

The last time I posted, I mentioned that I hadn't been praying every day. Since acknowledging that fact, I have been trying to remember to pray as much as I can. I have been praying usually three times a day or more. It is really helping me get through the days. It is especially hard when I am around people of opposite energy - when I am very anxious and around people that aren't moving too fast, which is when I ask for more patience. Or when I am taking my time, and I am around people that are very anxious, and other situations like that. The more and more I go to church, read my bible and book of mormon and other inspirational writings and testimonies, spend time with fellow christians, pray, and stay away from temptations, the more my questions are answered, and hence why I blog less. I have less to complain about, and more to do than just sit on a computer or waste my days doing other mindless things. Today, however, I am at my Mom's house in Keyport. I came here yesterday and am staying another night. I love being out here in the country. I can't wait to live here again. There are a lot of pros. There are some cons, too, but isn't that with everywhere and everything? I am also very excited for my future, but still uncertain. I mean, we can't predict the future. I don't know what will happen. But I have faith and I know that it's God's will, not mine. I do want to go back to school, but I don't know what I want to do and I don't know if what I choose to study will be something that I will be able to do once I am married and want to start a family. I want to live in the country and just raise a good family and grow our own food and cook our own food and love each other and our neighbors, and teach them good values so that they can be good, helping, loving citizens of this universe.

Confessions, amends, and forgiveness.

My baptismal interview is this Tuesday. I didn't think I would be this nervous for it. Until elder Jordan listed the questions, and there were a few that I knew weren't good answers, but they were honest answers. I just wonder what we are going to talk about after I answer these. Are there going to be some kind of consequences for my past mistakes? God will still forgive me even though I did those horrible things, right? Or are those things unforgiveable? Everyday i am learning more and more about how to forgive and accept myself and others. I can only hope that they can also forgive and accept me, the way that I am and the way I will become. I hope that someday not too far off, I can say sorry to the people that I hurt, and say "it's okay" to those that have hurt me. I am SO excited for my baptism this saturday, and so excited that I finally actually believe and understand what has been taught to me. I will always have some amount of doubt, as everyone does, and I will continue learning, as everyone does, and I will make mistakes, as everyone does, but I will also have faith in Jesus Christ my lord and savior, and I will continue to strive to live according to the word, without breaking commandments or wise words. I continue to go to church each week and read my bible everyday, but I have fallen out of the habit of praying everyday. One more thing to work on. 5 days and 17 1/2 hours!

:)

So. Things are ever changing. I believe it was India Arie that said, "The only thing constant in the world is change." Well, I have been making even more changes in my life. Many of them I won't speak of, but a few I will. I am getting baptized on July 3rd of this year! I am so excited! Elder Jordan will be baptizing me. Elder Guthrie is done with his mission this Sunday! Going back home to Arizona. I went to the LDS Church for the first time (since mountlake terrace) this Sunday. It was okay. And I went to relief society this Tuesday. So fun! All the gals in that church are awesome. I am excited to go back and continue going to that church. And so excited for my baptism! What else?...

I haven't been writing. I have been reading a lot, though. Right now I am almost done with "I'll Fly Away." It's a book of a lot of short stories written by ladies in York Prison. It is so inspiring. It is the second in the series which I didn't realize until I was already into the book, so after I'm done I'll read the first one. I highly recommend this book to anyone and everyone, no matter where you are in your life! I also have been reading my bible every day, and the book of mormon. All these books have been keeping me going every day.

Back to church, it was very funny to me that both Elder Jordan and several ladies at church asked me when I am going to be married. Well, maybe it is not obvious to them, but it seems obvious to me, the answer. When the love of my life proposes to me and we marry! Of course. It's not like I have a set date and things like that. I know who I want to marry, and when, but I could never tell him that or others, because how do I know that is really going to happen? We are not even dating yet. And I have much more patience now than I did in the past. I can wait until the time is right. I am only 20. I have like five or six years, hahahah :)

Well, as the days pass by, and the leaves change color, and I read and pray and praise my lord like no other, every day I am grateful, every day I am thankful, every day I am patient, I will wait. I will wait.