I just want my mail...

I have been trying to get my mail from my old place for a while not, I don't exactly know how long, but at least a couple of weeks or so.

Conversation between Brett & I on Sunday April 3rd.

Me: I need to get my mail.
Brett: I have a notice from usps however they need to have it sent to a place where you can sign for it. It must be a package or something.
Me: Okay you can send it to _____ it's my Dad's address and he can sign for me.
Brett: I will try and have it forwarded. Also. I have removed you from the rental agreement and _____ signed a new one. However you still owe me for you portion of 2 months rent and utilities. Can you make payment. Court is such a waste of time, money, and fees

SIDENOTE: Yes, the court is a waste of time, money, and fees, and if he took me to court, which he will not, he would loose his property because of the activities going on on his property, and I wouldn't have to pay him any money, hence, the real reason why he doesn't want to take me to court.

Me: Okay we will work something out.
Brett: How is your road to recovery and the job hunt
Me: My recovery is going good I just started working and got into an oxford house and pretty soon here, idk exactly when, this program is going to pay my rent for 6 months which is awesome so I will be able to pay off some debt.
Brett: Small amounts work. I have BO on a payment plan to. I'm all about progress and helping people when they truly need it. I am glad you found good people 2 help













Conversation between CJ & I on Sunday April April 3rd, after the above conversation.

Me: Are you going to be home later, because I'd really like to pick up my mail.
CJ: not til like 9.
Me: Well thats perfect cuz I have a meeting til 8:30. I'll hit you up when I get out
CJ: okey dokey. sounds good.
CJ: apparently you cant come over. im sorry. if you want your mail. just tell me ur address and ill send it to you.....im gettin tired of all this bull shit.
Me: Wow. Yeah that is bullshit. Well when do you work at bbq next? I can pick it up from you there if you don't mind
CJ: dude its not me. you need to talk to BO. i dont owe shit after what you did. im now finding out how much debt were in....i

I didn't reply until the next day, Monday April 4th at 1:54pm.

Me: I understand it's not you. I tried calling BO but he didn't answer. I understand you don't owe me anything. I'm just trying to get my mail and if I can't get it there, I'd like to get it somehow. I talked with Brett a few days ago and he said we are going to work out a payment plan. So you guys shouldn't be in debt with Brett if I'm going to pay my part. Anyways so can you just put my mail back in the mailbox and put a note for the mailman saying I don't live there anymore and that I will pick it up at the post office or something? I'm not trying to have you do me any favors, I just want my mail.
CJ: its not just the rent. its the utilities as well. and we shouldnt even be in debt to begin with. where the fuck did our money go? Or the fact that you said you would pay which you didn't, or that you were gonna find a room mate to replace you. and what a shock, you didnt do that either. what the fuck else did you flake on and hide from us? im not doing shit. ive paid my debt to you, to brett instead. I dont want to be the middle man. ill leave a notefor the mail man but they need your new address to be able to forward it to you. if you want it then talk to BO and CD.
Me: Yeah I gave Brett my Dad's address for my mail but I guess he didn't give it to you. It's ____________________________. I'm not going to sit here and explain myself about all that stuff. The fact of the matter is that I didn't do any of it.
CJ: im not gonna go to your place. and i can atleast keep this address confidential. thats pretty much as much as ill do for you. like i said i dont care about giving you your mail but its not me. and they would know if one day your mail is all of the sudden gone. u know?
Me: I don't really understand what you're saying. Are you saying BO & CD don't want me to have my mail, period?
CJ: I didnt ask for an explination. frankly i dont give a shit. i just want to wash my hands of all this. The only reason why im actually not too mad is because why you left. to quit drugs. which i am proud of you for. but jesus fucking christ. you really fucked us over and i dont trust you at all. I never did shit to you. your just another prime example on why i hate the human race. im not suppose to say names....but im also getting tired of them. i cant blame you for leaving. but yes. apparently you have something of theirs? idk i just walked out on them. they were freaking out when i told them it was ok for you to come over. like i said,im sick of being the middle man.
Me: Yeah I'm sorry about that. I'm not tryna make you the middle man. There was and is a huge lack of communication between everyone including brett. Not sayin it's anyones fault, because it's not. But Brett said he was going to send me my mail and I guess he never did.
CJ: he has yet to get his own mail dude. i dont think he has a clue. in general.
Me: Yeah he's... Psh I don't even know. Anyways I'm sorry about all this and am still trying to get my shit together so I can take care of all this. Sorry.
CJ; Its what ever. life lesson i guess.













Conversation immediately after the above, between BO & me.

Me: Hey bro so is something going on with my mail? I was trying to come pick it up but CJ said I can't?
BO: Can u just give us an address and we can forward it to ya
Me: Hahah yeah it's my dad's address. It's ____________________________. I gave it to brett but I guess he never sent my mail.
BO: Oh really wow brett is dumb...
Me: Yeah I agree.

my dreams & my hunger.

So last night I had a couple dreams. I ALMOST had a lucid dream, too.

In one of the dreams, I was having sex with this guy, he was very well endowed. He was a white guy. When we were done, I saw that there was blood all over his dick. He was kind of mad and I was just like, "Dude, I'm sorry, I just had my period last week, I shouldn't be on my period, I don't know why this is happening. Sorry." Another part of my dream I remember is walking with some guy, I think he was Shane, except it wasn't him, it was this mixed or black guy. I remember being very comfortable with him. He was holding my hand. We had to go over this cliff thing to get to Papa Murphys / Ezelle's. Except it wasn't Papa Murphys, because the pizza was already cooked. We got pineapple pizza and chicken. Then I remember going back to get more later, but this time when my man ordered, the guy thought he said pea pizza, and he gave us pea pizza. My man didn't want to speak up and correct him and I was super mad. Because he gave us pea pizza. Another part of my dream I remember is talking to my sister Tina on the phone. I remember saying 'mmhmm' to something she said. (I spent the night at Shane's house last night and he was right next to me when this was happening.) I all of a sudden realized where I was in real life, but yet I still felt like I had to respond to what Tina was saying, like I knew I was talking in my sleep (because I was) but I still felt like I was really talking to Tina. But I didn't want to say too much because I was also aware that Shane could hear me. It was weird. So then I said 'uhm. mmhmm.' Another part of my dream, I remember I was at Josa's house in her bathroom, and it was a really nice bathroom. Her mom like custom made these things that go behind and next to the toilet all the way to the wall. It was like this thing that holds a bunch of candles. I don't really remember anything else from my dream.

In real news, I am freaking hungry. Yesterday I had a banana and a bowl of ravioli. Today I have had two blackberries that I picked from the wilds (How desperate am I?) and then, when I went into this gas station to fill up my water bottle, the guy asks me if I want some of his lunch. He was eating injera. It was so freaking good. I only had two bites and he said I should stay and have more, and I SHOULD HAVE!! Because I was and still am soo hungry! But I politely declined. Ergh.. So now I feel like such a bum because I don't have any money (not even enough for the bus. I walked 3 miles to get here, to the library.) and the library closes in 15 minutes... Not sure what I'm going to do yet. I guess I'm going to have to call Shaunda or Emily or Renee. We'll see.

my dreams & my fears (literally)

A few days ago when I got home, there was a note on my door from the LDS Missionaries in my area, saying they had stopped by and to give them a call, which I did not do. Then, yesterday, my Baptism 'certificate' came in the mail along with some paperwork. So I got to figuring eventually they are probably going to stop by again, and one of these days, I will probably be here when they do, or someone from the church will get ahold of me somehow. So last night I tried doing some more research and gather more information on the LDS Church so that I know exactly what I do and do not want to say when I tell them that I want to be no longer a member of the church.

So last night, I had this dream. I was in a beautiful temple with a lot of other members from the church, including Winston, and some of my friends that are not LDS. I tried telling them that I no longer wanted to be apart of the church. They told me that if I wanted to leave, I had to go through Winston, since he was the one that brought me in. I didn't want to, I guess because I still liked Winston and didn't want him to know, or something. At some point, I was on a balcony or patio of some sort on the temple/church. There were a bunch of non-LDS people outside, but close, doing some sort of protest or something. I yelled something along the lines of, "The LDS Church believes that all people have the potential to become Gods. This is not true! There is only ONE TRUE GOD!!!" and everybody started yelling in agreement. Then I went inside the church. Finally Winston found me, and we sat down in a room, just the two of us. It was a strange room. It was kind of long, and there were no pews or chairs, but built-in bench type things in the wall. We sat at one, and Winston was wearing his white baptism outfit. I remember being comforted somehow, like he was holding my hand or something. I told him why I no longer wanted to be apart of the church, the things I had found out about it. Things that (unless you do research) most people don't know about the church, LDS or not. He cried for a minute, and I thought it was because I was leaving the church and probably never see him again. Then he told me that he couldn't believe what he was hearing, that these thigns were all a lie, etc. He told me that he wanted, basically, to leave the church, now, too. I was very surprised. That was the end of my dream.

I don't know exactly what this means, but I guess it was wishful dreaming. I guess I wish that I could leave the church in peace, without anyone being mad at me, and Winston would come with. But I wouldn't want his family to be mad, or to blame me for leaving the church. I guess that's what that dream was about. I haven't really talked to Winston. I sent him one e-mail when I first moved from Renton to Poulsbo, and he replied, but I never replied back. Then he replied again, a week or so later. I still haven't replied. I think because I don't want to disapoint him.

In other news, I am having a hard time lately doing things what used to be normal to me, or that should be normal, like simply talking to people, including my own friends and family. I guess it's some sort of fear of rejection or of people just not caring. I reached out to Shaunda last week, and that was the first time I have reached out to someone in a long time. We had a very nice talk. But since then, I haven't really been able to talk to anybody or to reach out. I don't really try to talk to anybody, and when people try to talk to me, I think of things to say, but almost never say them. I think that I will sound stupid, or like I'm trying too hard, or that the person just won't care. Today, I went to what is probably going to be my home group meeting, in Bremerton. After the meeting, after everyone else had left, I got in my truck. I didn't want to go home yet, and I didn't know what to do. I got out my schedule, but there wasn't another meeting until about 6pm, and it was in Port Orchard. I looked at my phone list for a minute, even entering in numbers, but couldn't get myself to press talk. I just kept playing the tape over and over again in my head.

Me: Hi, is this so-and-so?
So: Yes.
Me: Hi, this is Cassandra.
So: Oh, hi! What's up?
Me: Uhm, I don't know. I'm just sitting in my car.
So: Oh,... okay.
Me: Yeah, so, uhm, do you know about anything to do later?
So: Uhm, there's a meeting at 6 in Port Orchard.
Me: Oh, okay, thanks, bye.

I couldn't get myeslf to call anybody. So I just sat in the car for a while and started reading the small 'welcome to narcotics anonymous' book that someone gave me. I read all the intros all the way up until the beginning of the 2nd step. There are things in there that I can't admit to myself yet. I don't know if I'm an addict or not. I think I have underlying issues. I think it's my behaviors I need to change, and if I changed those, I wouldn't use drugs, etc. I also don't now if God can restore me to sanity. I believe that having a relationship with God is good, and he can help me, however, I don't know if he can restore me to sanity. Well, I'm sure he could if he wanted to, but that doesn't mean that he's going to. And it doesn't mean that I believe he's going to. So after I read until that point, I decided I was going to call someone. I stared at my phone list and entered in numbers for probably about 10 minutes or so, before I finally called the first person on my phone list, and the conversation went pretty much as above. Not wanting to give up and go home yet, I stared at my phone list and entered more numbers into my phone, not pressing talk. Finally a few minutes later, I called the one that, under her name and number, wrote 'call any time!' So I did. I didn't really know what to say at first, and at first the meeting went pretty much as above. But once I told her where I was and what was kind of going on in my head, she said she'd be there in 5 minutes. I think she was there in 2. We sat on the tailgate of her truck for probably about two hours just talking and bullshitting. Talking about using, recovery, time, parents, kids, art, hobbies, family, thirteen steppers, food, which meetings sucked, which meetings were awesome, boyfriends, relationships, all kinds of stuff. She is awesome. I was really glad she came out there to talk to me. After a very long time, we finally said our good-byes and went our seperate ways. I'm glad I called her.

Anyways, that was kind of off-topic, but that was the first time I've had a real conversation with anybody since I last talked to Shaunda. What I was going to tell you is that I have some fears talking to people, especially people that I love or want to love me. I have been wanting to talk to my brother for a very long time now. My brother's name is Travis, and he lives in Florida with his wife and 3 kids. His oldest daughter is about a year or two younger than me, and is starting college this month. He has not called me since I was probably about 10 or younger. I could be wrong on the age, so hey Travis, if you're reading this, I'm not trying to make it sound any worse than it is. Anyways, I added him on facebook (or he added me, I don't remember, but I doubt it.) a while back. He also has two sisters, Tammy and Tracey. I haven't talked to Tammy in a few years, but Tracey talks to me about once or twice a year. Anyways, the point is that I want to talk to Travis, because he is my brother, and my only brother, but I don't know what to say to him. I don't know if he's mad at me, or if he resents me, or if he just doesn't talk to me because I don't talk to him, or what. Maybe I just need to make that first move. Either way, he lives in Florida, so it's not like he's going to invite me over for Thanksgiving and Christmas either way. He stopped talking to our Dad a few years ago because our Dad got a sex change. I think that is a lot of the reason he doesn't talk to me, but I'm not sure. He has dis-owned our Dad, and I wonder if that also means he has dis-owned me. I'm not sure. I don't necessarily support my father's lifestyle, but I also don't NOT support it. He is the only father I ever had, except the short time that Gary was with us, so even though I am not very close with him, I don't want to dis-own him. Well, I don't really know what else to say. I want to talk to my brother but don't know how exactly to go about doing so in the 'right' way. I want to talk to a phsychiatrist about the problems that I'm having, these ones and the many more. Usually I try to figure stuff out on my own, but that is the main problem I'm having right now. I am having a really hard time communicating with people, and I am having a lot of problems and not knowing how to ask for help. So I am going to call the YMCA tomorrow because I know they have sliding-scale sessions there. I don't know if they can help me or not, but at least I will be taking a step in the right direction.

more dreams, & what's up

A while ago, I had a dream that one of my bosses (Steve) and me were working on some kind of secret project or something. He wanted me to shave some kind of code into his facial hair. So I did, but I don't really have experience shaving mens faces, so I kept cutting him on accident. He got angry and was bleeding. We were at a grocery outlet or some kind of outlet store. I don't remember much else.

Last night, I had a dream that I was with this guy that used to come into my job. He is really attractive, really nice. I have always had a little crush on him. I don't remember what was going on. But I remember he invited me back to his apartment and I went into his bathroom. He had a huge bath tub. I ran water for a buble bath. In the drain, there were a bunch of small round things. They were like those things that you stick onto your face that kids play with and they are rubber or something. I don't know how to explain it. There were a bunch of them, like 10 or more. Somehow I got the idea that they were pills that would mess me up, like vicodin or something along those lines. So I started popping them in twos, by colors. They were all different bright colors. I took a bunch of them. I don't remember what else happened. I remember being in a bed with him, I think. It was the bottom of a bunk bed. I don't remember being intimate with him, but I remember the feeling of it. Like we were together. I don't really remember much else.

I am tring to get and stay clean. I have 3 days today. The hard parts are just the fact that most of my friends use. Of course, I'm 20 years old. That's what kids around my age do. Another hard part is that there's nothing to do here at my mom's house, where I'm living. I'm trying to find a job out here and meetings out here and stuff to do with clean people. I need to find a church out here, too. I don't know what else to do.

What's new? (Mormonism & Lucid dreaming)

After being baptised in the LDS Church and attending their Church for only 4 months, I continued to do more research and found things about the church that I highly disagree with. These are things that even most Mormons don't know. I suspect that if they found these things out, a majority of them would no longer want to be part of the LDS Church. Although the LDS Church puts good values in people, it's history is almost all lies. I won't go too into this, but if you want to research these things, go ahead. Do enough research and you will see what I'm talking about. I have not officially resigned yet, but stopped attending.

I have been reading up a little bit on Lucid Dreaming. If you don't know what Lucid Dreaming is, it is when you are awake in your dream. You realize that you are dreaming. One thing that is supposed to help you awaken in your dream is to remember your dreams and keep a dream journal. I couldn't find a pen this morning so I am going to write my dreams here.

1. I remember looking in my purse and seeing an American express card and another credit card, both in my father's name.

2. I was working at a Safeway. I was in the employee break room with a bunch of other younger girls. One of the girls, who was darker, but not black, had thick leg hair like me. She was wearing black leggings that were purposely tore on her knee and a little bit on her leg. I remember it made me feel better about myself and more comfortable that I wasn't the only girl there who didn't care about her leg hair. We were all sitting against lockers. I remember I was working the espresso stand there but only one person got something. It was a child's hot chocolate. Instead of mixing milk and chocolate, we used chocolate milk. We were out of chocolate milk in cardboard boxes, like they give you in school, so I dumped chocolate milk that was in a small aluminum can into one of the small cardboard box container things and steamed it in there, instead of in a pitcher. I remember only a tiny bit came out of the can, only enough for a small spoon full. I actually didn't put it in a cup, I put it on a spoon. Then something with whip cream. I don't remember. Then for some reason all the employees had to line up around there store and sing some sort of anthem. I was standing by refrigerated drinks or dairy or something. Then I remember going to the back again, to the employee lounge, but it looked different this time. Jay, the milkman, was bringing in our milk. Then he was hanging out with me on the couch. We were enjoying crush-floats (instead of root beer floats). I remember my mom was there and I think my sister and they were waiting for me to get off work but I was taking my time hanging out. I noticed something under/behind the couch. It was a very small new-born Chihuahua. There were several of them. I didn't want to just leave them there so I started putting them in some kind of bag, so I could take them with me. I got all of them in the bag, then went to the sink to rinse them off. They somehow were no longer puppies. They were insects now. I dumped them out and ran the water so they would go down the drain. I felt like I had some in my throat. I started coughing and spitting them out. Then I woke up.

That was all I remember from my dreams last night.

Hmm.

So here I am, 6 days before I am supposed to move back in with my mother, already moved some things here, and my mother tells me she wants me to move into the condo. Rent free. Just have to pay utilities. I guess I would be in the same situation either way. Except if I was to stay with my Mom, I wouldn't be paying utilities, and I wouldn't really be buying food. I just found this out a few hours ago, so it is still boggling my mind. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. I guess I'm going to move in, try to get a roommate so that I can pay for some things, and probably try to get a job with Nate at comcast. If that doesn't work out I will try to get a job closer to the condo. Probably go to school. It just feels like I never get a break. This is one of the many reasons why I feel the way I feel about a lot of things. Families are so important. Because it's how you raise your children and what you can provide for them that depends on their future. I did not get the worst raising in the world, but God knows I didn't have the best either. I've worked with what I was given but I feel like I'm just at sea level. I'm not in massive debt or dead or anywhere below sea level, but I'm also not up high above, in major success. I'm always just barely making it, my bank account constantly at just barely not being overdrawn. I am just going to have to do this. I don't know what exactly it is I'm supposed to do yet. But I'm just going to keep PUSHing. (Pray Until Something Happens.) I could go on and on. I have so much more to say. But I'm so tired.

Inspiration.

What keeps me pulling through is that I know the word is true.
What keeps me going everyday is that I know in the end it will all be okay.
What gives me inspiration is to know that I ain't gave in.
What keeps me strong is that I keep holding on.
What keeps me alive is that the time keeps on ticking and I'm still here breathing and the blood in my veins is still there and most of all the fact that you still care.


I found out today about my new church when I move, which is brand new. It's the Silverdale 5th ward, and yes, it's a YSA (Youth Single Adults) which will be the first YSA I've attended. I also found out that the name of the community college out there isn't Cascadia, it's Olympic. And they actually do not provide agriculture. But Vincennes University is in Silverdale (although I think it might be mostly online) and they offer a 2year program in agriculture, and a transfer to Purdue or Pursue (I think) University, which I also think is mostly online, if I want to further my agriculture education. So I'm pretty excited to move! Let's see, it's August 18th so I only have... 13 more days until I move!!!