Tuesday, September 6, 2011
dreaming of you.
I've been dreaming of you. These dreams are so real that I'm devastated when I wake up. I miss the comfort of knowing you were always there for me. I miss the comfort of our platonic relationship; close and intimate and never more. I miss that you loved all the songs I loved, and loved to sing them with me. I miss your nonsensical conversations that made me feel closer to God. It's a reservation to think that one day we'll ever be able to be close like that again and feel the euphoria of our neurotransmitters receiving mass amounts of dopamine. But the one thing I miss most about the life I had before was you. I once thought God sent you to me; once the devil, and I'm still not sure. But I know that to invite you back into my life would mean giving up everything I've gained. Sometimes I wonder if it would be worth it, knowing that it wouldn't.
Monday, July 4, 2011
jamais fini.
Why did you stumble? You should have never even tried to walk at all. Your legs aren't strong enough, your heart isn't strong enough, You know you're not strong enough. Why would you say that? Why did you do that? You're so fucking mean to yourself. But I can't help but love you. You're shaking and you're puking. It's not cute, but I love you. Even though every time you relapse, you just give up and you collapse. Honey, you're so free but you feel so trapped.
Oh yes, she, she feels like crap.
She loevs him so damn much, but not enough to loosen the grasp she's got on the bottle; she's got on the bottle; she's got on the bottle; fuck that... shit. She just wants another hit. She'll do anything for it. He wakes up and his foil is gone, along with his beer and his rum and his cash and his bong. We won't be young forever, girl. I won't forgive you forever, girl. I feel older everyday without you. Working 9-5, I'm a zombie, not alive without you. I come alive at night when I'm with you, I'm alright. You've got your drugs and cigs and booze, but my drug of choice is you.
We see things through four different eyes, but I never seem to see the half of it.
We ignore all the little white lies, while you're sitting there doing little white lines and making big black trails that lead down a dark and lonely road where no one cares, but so many go. Hold onto your lighter, because you're great at burning bridges and even better at building walls. Hold on tighter, because you don't know how to swim and you don't know how to climb. You're going to drown in your sorrow, you've got nowhere to go, no plans for tomorrow. You've given up, she can't seem to give it up. She's only been gone one week out of the year so far, but she's planning to leave for three or four more. She'll probably be gone longer, knowing her, I feel like I don't fucking know her. Even when you're here, you're gone, so far gone, because you're just a little girl, so fucking scared of everything, everything, absolutely fucking everything. You're out of control all the fucking time, but you tell me that you're mine, you promise that you're mine. You've got your keys, don't need your phone, you'd rather be alone. I put up with it because I'd rather not call you out on your shit. I'm not superman, you're a big girl, you say you've got your own big plans. Are they bigger than me? Are they better than me? Are they shiny and bright like your foil or dark and crusty like your trails and your nails? You've got something on your face, baby. Black on your cheek and white on your nose. A little puke on your clothes, and in your hair. Man, you're not all there, why do I even fucking care? It's never fair, I don't know why I'm still here. Am I still fucking here?
Baby, you're so worth it. You're so beautiful, but no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I can't change you. I won't chase you into the abyss. You want just one more, just one more kiss, one more hit. It's always just one more, you say that's it. You never stop at one, but I won't fund your escapades anymore. I'm done co-signing your bullshit. You dragged me so far down, you're so far gone, I bet it's hard to breathe with that bottle in your mouth. You're still smoking, though you're choking on the smoke from the bong. You're drowning, but it's too late to learn how to swim. You'll never learn, you'll never learn. You'll never win, you'll never win. It's too late. Quit coming back. I can't save you.
Oh yes, she, she feels like crap.
She loevs him so damn much, but not enough to loosen the grasp she's got on the bottle; she's got on the bottle; she's got on the bottle; fuck that... shit. She just wants another hit. She'll do anything for it. He wakes up and his foil is gone, along with his beer and his rum and his cash and his bong. We won't be young forever, girl. I won't forgive you forever, girl. I feel older everyday without you. Working 9-5, I'm a zombie, not alive without you. I come alive at night when I'm with you, I'm alright. You've got your drugs and cigs and booze, but my drug of choice is you.
We see things through four different eyes, but I never seem to see the half of it.
We ignore all the little white lies, while you're sitting there doing little white lines and making big black trails that lead down a dark and lonely road where no one cares, but so many go. Hold onto your lighter, because you're great at burning bridges and even better at building walls. Hold on tighter, because you don't know how to swim and you don't know how to climb. You're going to drown in your sorrow, you've got nowhere to go, no plans for tomorrow. You've given up, she can't seem to give it up. She's only been gone one week out of the year so far, but she's planning to leave for three or four more. She'll probably be gone longer, knowing her, I feel like I don't fucking know her. Even when you're here, you're gone, so far gone, because you're just a little girl, so fucking scared of everything, everything, absolutely fucking everything. You're out of control all the fucking time, but you tell me that you're mine, you promise that you're mine. You've got your keys, don't need your phone, you'd rather be alone. I put up with it because I'd rather not call you out on your shit. I'm not superman, you're a big girl, you say you've got your own big plans. Are they bigger than me? Are they better than me? Are they shiny and bright like your foil or dark and crusty like your trails and your nails? You've got something on your face, baby. Black on your cheek and white on your nose. A little puke on your clothes, and in your hair. Man, you're not all there, why do I even fucking care? It's never fair, I don't know why I'm still here. Am I still fucking here?
Baby, you're so worth it. You're so beautiful, but no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I can't change you. I won't chase you into the abyss. You want just one more, just one more kiss, one more hit. It's always just one more, you say that's it. You never stop at one, but I won't fund your escapades anymore. I'm done co-signing your bullshit. You dragged me so far down, you're so far gone, I bet it's hard to breathe with that bottle in your mouth. You're still smoking, though you're choking on the smoke from the bong. You're drowning, but it's too late to learn how to swim. You'll never learn, you'll never learn. You'll never win, you'll never win. It's too late. Quit coming back. I can't save you.
Friday, April 15, 2011
...
we used to be friends
we used to be young
we used to laugh
we used to have fun
we used to talk
we used to listen
now things have changed
now life is different
now we have resentments
now every time i look at you
i think that you hate me
i know it's not true
but those thoughts don't escape me
i know it's my own insecurities
i know it's just life
but i can't get over
how good it used to be
when we were young
and could laugh
and have fun
we didn't need drugs
to have a good time
we just needed eachother
and everything was fine.
damn, has life changed.
we used to be young
we used to laugh
we used to have fun
we used to talk
we used to listen
now things have changed
now life is different
now we have resentments
now every time i look at you
i think that you hate me
i know it's not true
but those thoughts don't escape me
i know it's my own insecurities
i know it's just life
but i can't get over
how good it used to be
when we were young
and could laugh
and have fun
we didn't need drugs
to have a good time
we just needed eachother
and everything was fine.
damn, has life changed.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Poetry in Recovery!
I started writing poetry again! Here is what I've written so far.
on March 11th 2011
Obsession is my weapon of mass destruction.
I obsess to the point that I can't properly function.
I engross myself in that person, place or thing,
and try to take more than just what it's offering.
I'm hurting others, while just disappointing myself.
It's no good for my spiritual or mental health.
I'm working the steps, taking the steps,
so I can become less and less obsessed.
Even though, every day I see these defects,
every day I'm less stressed,
because I'm giving it to God,
giving him everything I've got,
the good and the bad,
the fresh and the rot,
my resentments and fears,
my heartaches and tears.
He's teaching me to listen.
So now I'll shut my mouth and open my ears.
March 12th 2011
I'm not perfect. I'm pretty insecure.
I don't know who I am, I'm really not sure.
I don't know who you see when your eyes stare at me.
I don't know what to do when I'm standing next to you.
I don't know what to say when you start walking my way.
I don't know where to go when you leave me all alone.
I don't know who I am, or what I like to do.
I wish I had a script and someone gave me all my cues.
Life wouldn't be so confusing if God would just tell me what to do.
I'm twenty years old, but I feel brand new,
but yet, not, because I'm used and abused, and I have a past.
I can look back and see an ugly view.
I've had plenty when I've said I'd only have a few.
I've left people high and dry without even bidding them a due.
But today's the day I see, and today's the day I choose. Today I will be clean.
Today I will not use.
March 21st 2011
You told me I found N(o) A(nswers) on my journey,
But I found the truth that set me free of my worries, fears, and impurities.
Truth that I'm N(ever) A(lone). Truth that I've found my home.
Truth that I'll N(ever) A(gain) have to use, be used, abuse, or be abused.
I'll N(ever) A(gain) have to lose everything.
The truth shall set you free.
You're not free to be the real you, because the real you, you don't even know or see.
I'm free to be the real me.
I'm free to see without cloudy vision, because I surrendered.
On a daily basis, you give in, so you can't see clearly.
you think you know what I'm going through, but you're not even near me.
You need to focus on you. I'm not even speaking to you. How can you hear me?
March 28th 2011
I can't always be strong. Sometimes I'm so weak.
I can't always be perfect. I can only be me.
When I'm hurt, I will cry. When I'm happy, I'll sing.
I don't care too much about what others think.
I don't know what I'm trying to find, because I've never had it before.
I want to go back to old familiar ways. I feel like I'm already there.
A few cigarettes later, and I feel the same despair.
I wish I could just pause time and stay in this moment forever.
By myself, yet I don't feel alone.
Watching a beautiful view that could soon be gone.
April 5th 2011
I once was addicted.
My heart, inflicted.
My mind, sick and twisted.
Living life, I resisted.
But then I was found.
In the dirt, on the ground.
I was hurt, I was bound
for death.
So I finally confessed.
I had no dreams, I had no goals.
It would seem I had no soul.
But then you told me you'd love me until I loved myself.
If I was hurting, you would help.
If my ass was burning, or on fire,
or I was in dire despair,
you would be there,
for me, because you care.
Life isn't fair,
but it's getting better.
I stay in the middle of the boat through all the stormy weather.
I can't do this alone, but we can do it together.
Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not forever.
But one day at a time,
and I know eventually with your help, I'll get it right.
on March 11th 2011
Obsession is my weapon of mass destruction.
I obsess to the point that I can't properly function.
I engross myself in that person, place or thing,
and try to take more than just what it's offering.
I'm hurting others, while just disappointing myself.
It's no good for my spiritual or mental health.
I'm working the steps, taking the steps,
so I can become less and less obsessed.
Even though, every day I see these defects,
every day I'm less stressed,
because I'm giving it to God,
giving him everything I've got,
the good and the bad,
the fresh and the rot,
my resentments and fears,
my heartaches and tears.
He's teaching me to listen.
So now I'll shut my mouth and open my ears.
March 12th 2011
I'm not perfect. I'm pretty insecure.
I don't know who I am, I'm really not sure.
I don't know who you see when your eyes stare at me.
I don't know what to do when I'm standing next to you.
I don't know what to say when you start walking my way.
I don't know where to go when you leave me all alone.
I don't know who I am, or what I like to do.
I wish I had a script and someone gave me all my cues.
Life wouldn't be so confusing if God would just tell me what to do.
I'm twenty years old, but I feel brand new,
but yet, not, because I'm used and abused, and I have a past.
I can look back and see an ugly view.
I've had plenty when I've said I'd only have a few.
I've left people high and dry without even bidding them a due.
But today's the day I see, and today's the day I choose. Today I will be clean.
Today I will not use.
March 21st 2011
You told me I found N(o) A(nswers) on my journey,
But I found the truth that set me free of my worries, fears, and impurities.
Truth that I'm N(ever) A(lone). Truth that I've found my home.
Truth that I'll N(ever) A(gain) have to use, be used, abuse, or be abused.
I'll N(ever) A(gain) have to lose everything.
The truth shall set you free.
You're not free to be the real you, because the real you, you don't even know or see.
I'm free to be the real me.
I'm free to see without cloudy vision, because I surrendered.
On a daily basis, you give in, so you can't see clearly.
you think you know what I'm going through, but you're not even near me.
You need to focus on you. I'm not even speaking to you. How can you hear me?
March 28th 2011
I can't always be strong. Sometimes I'm so weak.
I can't always be perfect. I can only be me.
When I'm hurt, I will cry. When I'm happy, I'll sing.
I don't care too much about what others think.
I don't know what I'm trying to find, because I've never had it before.
I want to go back to old familiar ways. I feel like I'm already there.
A few cigarettes later, and I feel the same despair.
I wish I could just pause time and stay in this moment forever.
By myself, yet I don't feel alone.
Watching a beautiful view that could soon be gone.
April 5th 2011
I once was addicted.
My heart, inflicted.
My mind, sick and twisted.
Living life, I resisted.
But then I was found.
In the dirt, on the ground.
I was hurt, I was bound
for death.
So I finally confessed.
I had no dreams, I had no goals.
It would seem I had no soul.
But then you told me you'd love me until I loved myself.
If I was hurting, you would help.
If my ass was burning, or on fire,
or I was in dire despair,
you would be there,
for me, because you care.
Life isn't fair,
but it's getting better.
I stay in the middle of the boat through all the stormy weather.
I can't do this alone, but we can do it together.
Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not forever.
But one day at a time,
and I know eventually with your help, I'll get it right.
Monday, April 4, 2011
I just want my mail...
I have been trying to get my mail from my old place for a while not, I don't exactly know how long, but at least a couple of weeks or so.
Conversation between Brett & I on Sunday April 3rd.
Me: I need to get my mail.
Brett: I have a notice from usps however they need to have it sent to a place where you can sign for it. It must be a package or something.
Me: Okay you can send it to _____ it's my Dad's address and he can sign for me.
Brett: I will try and have it forwarded. Also. I have removed you from the rental agreement and _____ signed a new one. However you still owe me for you portion of 2 months rent and utilities. Can you make payment. Court is such a waste of time, money, and fees
SIDENOTE: Yes, the court is a waste of time, money, and fees, and if he took me to court, which he will not, he would loose his property because of the activities going on on his property, and I wouldn't have to pay him any money, hence, the real reason why he doesn't want to take me to court.
Me: Okay we will work something out.
Brett: How is your road to recovery and the job hunt
Me: My recovery is going good I just started working and got into an oxford house and pretty soon here, idk exactly when, this program is going to pay my rent for 6 months which is awesome so I will be able to pay off some debt.
Brett: Small amounts work. I have BO on a payment plan to. I'm all about progress and helping people when they truly need it. I am glad you found good people 2 help
Conversation between CJ & I on Sunday April April 3rd, after the above conversation.
Me: Are you going to be home later, because I'd really like to pick up my mail.
CJ: not til like 9.
Me: Well thats perfect cuz I have a meeting til 8:30. I'll hit you up when I get out
CJ: okey dokey. sounds good.
CJ: apparently you cant come over. im sorry. if you want your mail. just tell me ur address and ill send it to you.....im gettin tired of all this bull shit.
Me: Wow. Yeah that is bullshit. Well when do you work at bbq next? I can pick it up from you there if you don't mind
CJ: dude its not me. you need to talk to BO. i dont owe shit after what you did. im now finding out how much debt were in....i
I didn't reply until the next day, Monday April 4th at 1:54pm.
Me: I understand it's not you. I tried calling BO but he didn't answer. I understand you don't owe me anything. I'm just trying to get my mail and if I can't get it there, I'd like to get it somehow. I talked with Brett a few days ago and he said we are going to work out a payment plan. So you guys shouldn't be in debt with Brett if I'm going to pay my part. Anyways so can you just put my mail back in the mailbox and put a note for the mailman saying I don't live there anymore and that I will pick it up at the post office or something? I'm not trying to have you do me any favors, I just want my mail.
CJ: its not just the rent. its the utilities as well. and we shouldnt even be in debt to begin with. where the fuck did our money go? Or the fact that you said you would pay which you didn't, or that you were gonna find a room mate to replace you. and what a shock, you didnt do that either. what the fuck else did you flake on and hide from us? im not doing shit. ive paid my debt to you, to brett instead. I dont want to be the middle man. ill leave a notefor the mail man but they need your new address to be able to forward it to you. if you want it then talk to BO and CD.
Me: Yeah I gave Brett my Dad's address for my mail but I guess he didn't give it to you. It's ____________________________. I'm not going to sit here and explain myself about all that stuff. The fact of the matter is that I didn't do any of it.
CJ: im not gonna go to your place. and i can atleast keep this address confidential. thats pretty much as much as ill do for you. like i said i dont care about giving you your mail but its not me. and they would know if one day your mail is all of the sudden gone. u know?
Me: I don't really understand what you're saying. Are you saying BO & CD don't want me to have my mail, period?
CJ: I didnt ask for an explination. frankly i dont give a shit. i just want to wash my hands of all this. The only reason why im actually not too mad is because why you left. to quit drugs. which i am proud of you for. but jesus fucking christ. you really fucked us over and i dont trust you at all. I never did shit to you. your just another prime example on why i hate the human race. im not suppose to say names....but im also getting tired of them. i cant blame you for leaving. but yes. apparently you have something of theirs? idk i just walked out on them. they were freaking out when i told them it was ok for you to come over. like i said,im sick of being the middle man.
Me: Yeah I'm sorry about that. I'm not tryna make you the middle man. There was and is a huge lack of communication between everyone including brett. Not sayin it's anyones fault, because it's not. But Brett said he was going to send me my mail and I guess he never did.
CJ: he has yet to get his own mail dude. i dont think he has a clue. in general.
Me: Yeah he's... Psh I don't even know. Anyways I'm sorry about all this and am still trying to get my shit together so I can take care of all this. Sorry.
CJ; Its what ever. life lesson i guess.
Conversation immediately after the above, between BO & me.
Me: Hey bro so is something going on with my mail? I was trying to come pick it up but CJ said I can't?
BO: Can u just give us an address and we can forward it to ya
Me: Hahah yeah it's my dad's address. It's ____________________________. I gave it to brett but I guess he never sent my mail.
BO: Oh really wow brett is dumb...
Me: Yeah I agree.
Conversation between Brett & I on Sunday April 3rd.
Me: I need to get my mail.
Brett: I have a notice from usps however they need to have it sent to a place where you can sign for it. It must be a package or something.
Me: Okay you can send it to _____ it's my Dad's address and he can sign for me.
Brett: I will try and have it forwarded. Also. I have removed you from the rental agreement and _____ signed a new one. However you still owe me for you portion of 2 months rent and utilities. Can you make payment. Court is such a waste of time, money, and fees
SIDENOTE: Yes, the court is a waste of time, money, and fees, and if he took me to court, which he will not, he would loose his property because of the activities going on on his property, and I wouldn't have to pay him any money, hence, the real reason why he doesn't want to take me to court.
Me: Okay we will work something out.
Brett: How is your road to recovery and the job hunt
Me: My recovery is going good I just started working and got into an oxford house and pretty soon here, idk exactly when, this program is going to pay my rent for 6 months which is awesome so I will be able to pay off some debt.
Brett: Small amounts work. I have BO on a payment plan to. I'm all about progress and helping people when they truly need it. I am glad you found good people 2 help
Conversation between CJ & I on Sunday April April 3rd, after the above conversation.
Me: Are you going to be home later, because I'd really like to pick up my mail.
CJ: not til like 9.
Me: Well thats perfect cuz I have a meeting til 8:30. I'll hit you up when I get out
CJ: okey dokey. sounds good.
CJ: apparently you cant come over. im sorry. if you want your mail. just tell me ur address and ill send it to you.....im gettin tired of all this bull shit.
Me: Wow. Yeah that is bullshit. Well when do you work at bbq next? I can pick it up from you there if you don't mind
CJ: dude its not me. you need to talk to BO. i dont owe shit after what you did. im now finding out how much debt were in....i
I didn't reply until the next day, Monday April 4th at 1:54pm.
Me: I understand it's not you. I tried calling BO but he didn't answer. I understand you don't owe me anything. I'm just trying to get my mail and if I can't get it there, I'd like to get it somehow. I talked with Brett a few days ago and he said we are going to work out a payment plan. So you guys shouldn't be in debt with Brett if I'm going to pay my part. Anyways so can you just put my mail back in the mailbox and put a note for the mailman saying I don't live there anymore and that I will pick it up at the post office or something? I'm not trying to have you do me any favors, I just want my mail.
CJ: its not just the rent. its the utilities as well. and we shouldnt even be in debt to begin with. where the fuck did our money go? Or the fact that you said you would pay which you didn't, or that you were gonna find a room mate to replace you. and what a shock, you didnt do that either. what the fuck else did you flake on and hide from us? im not doing shit. ive paid my debt to you, to brett instead. I dont want to be the middle man. ill leave a notefor the mail man but they need your new address to be able to forward it to you. if you want it then talk to BO and CD.
Me: Yeah I gave Brett my Dad's address for my mail but I guess he didn't give it to you. It's ____________________________. I'm not going to sit here and explain myself about all that stuff. The fact of the matter is that I didn't do any of it.
CJ: im not gonna go to your place. and i can atleast keep this address confidential. thats pretty much as much as ill do for you. like i said i dont care about giving you your mail but its not me. and they would know if one day your mail is all of the sudden gone. u know?
Me: I don't really understand what you're saying. Are you saying BO & CD don't want me to have my mail, period?
CJ: I didnt ask for an explination. frankly i dont give a shit. i just want to wash my hands of all this. The only reason why im actually not too mad is because why you left. to quit drugs. which i am proud of you for. but jesus fucking christ. you really fucked us over and i dont trust you at all. I never did shit to you. your just another prime example on why i hate the human race. im not suppose to say names....but im also getting tired of them. i cant blame you for leaving. but yes. apparently you have something of theirs? idk i just walked out on them. they were freaking out when i told them it was ok for you to come over. like i said,im sick of being the middle man.
Me: Yeah I'm sorry about that. I'm not tryna make you the middle man. There was and is a huge lack of communication between everyone including brett. Not sayin it's anyones fault, because it's not. But Brett said he was going to send me my mail and I guess he never did.
CJ: he has yet to get his own mail dude. i dont think he has a clue. in general.
Me: Yeah he's... Psh I don't even know. Anyways I'm sorry about all this and am still trying to get my shit together so I can take care of all this. Sorry.
CJ; Its what ever. life lesson i guess.
Conversation immediately after the above, between BO & me.
Me: Hey bro so is something going on with my mail? I was trying to come pick it up but CJ said I can't?
BO: Can u just give us an address and we can forward it to ya
Me: Hahah yeah it's my dad's address. It's ____________________________. I gave it to brett but I guess he never sent my mail.
BO: Oh really wow brett is dumb...
Me: Yeah I agree.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
my dreams & my hunger.
So last night I had a couple dreams. I ALMOST had a lucid dream, too.
In one of the dreams, I was having sex with this guy, he was very well endowed. He was a white guy. When we were done, I saw that there was blood all over his dick. He was kind of mad and I was just like, "Dude, I'm sorry, I just had my period last week, I shouldn't be on my period, I don't know why this is happening. Sorry." Another part of my dream I remember is walking with some guy, I think he was Shane, except it wasn't him, it was this mixed or black guy. I remember being very comfortable with him. He was holding my hand. We had to go over this cliff thing to get to Papa Murphys / Ezelle's. Except it wasn't Papa Murphys, because the pizza was already cooked. We got pineapple pizza and chicken. Then I remember going back to get more later, but this time when my man ordered, the guy thought he said pea pizza, and he gave us pea pizza. My man didn't want to speak up and correct him and I was super mad. Because he gave us pea pizza. Another part of my dream I remember is talking to my sister Tina on the phone. I remember saying 'mmhmm' to something she said. (I spent the night at Shane's house last night and he was right next to me when this was happening.) I all of a sudden realized where I was in real life, but yet I still felt like I had to respond to what Tina was saying, like I knew I was talking in my sleep (because I was) but I still felt like I was really talking to Tina. But I didn't want to say too much because I was also aware that Shane could hear me. It was weird. So then I said 'uhm. mmhmm.' Another part of my dream, I remember I was at Josa's house in her bathroom, and it was a really nice bathroom. Her mom like custom made these things that go behind and next to the toilet all the way to the wall. It was like this thing that holds a bunch of candles. I don't really remember anything else from my dream.
In real news, I am freaking hungry. Yesterday I had a banana and a bowl of ravioli. Today I have had two blackberries that I picked from the wilds (How desperate am I?) and then, when I went into this gas station to fill up my water bottle, the guy asks me if I want some of his lunch. He was eating injera. It was so freaking good. I only had two bites and he said I should stay and have more, and I SHOULD HAVE!! Because I was and still am soo hungry! But I politely declined. Ergh.. So now I feel like such a bum because I don't have any money (not even enough for the bus. I walked 3 miles to get here, to the library.) and the library closes in 15 minutes... Not sure what I'm going to do yet. I guess I'm going to have to call Shaunda or Emily or Renee. We'll see.
In one of the dreams, I was having sex with this guy, he was very well endowed. He was a white guy. When we were done, I saw that there was blood all over his dick. He was kind of mad and I was just like, "Dude, I'm sorry, I just had my period last week, I shouldn't be on my period, I don't know why this is happening. Sorry." Another part of my dream I remember is walking with some guy, I think he was Shane, except it wasn't him, it was this mixed or black guy. I remember being very comfortable with him. He was holding my hand. We had to go over this cliff thing to get to Papa Murphys / Ezelle's. Except it wasn't Papa Murphys, because the pizza was already cooked. We got pineapple pizza and chicken. Then I remember going back to get more later, but this time when my man ordered, the guy thought he said pea pizza, and he gave us pea pizza. My man didn't want to speak up and correct him and I was super mad. Because he gave us pea pizza. Another part of my dream I remember is talking to my sister Tina on the phone. I remember saying 'mmhmm' to something she said. (I spent the night at Shane's house last night and he was right next to me when this was happening.) I all of a sudden realized where I was in real life, but yet I still felt like I had to respond to what Tina was saying, like I knew I was talking in my sleep (because I was) but I still felt like I was really talking to Tina. But I didn't want to say too much because I was also aware that Shane could hear me. It was weird. So then I said 'uhm. mmhmm.' Another part of my dream, I remember I was at Josa's house in her bathroom, and it was a really nice bathroom. Her mom like custom made these things that go behind and next to the toilet all the way to the wall. It was like this thing that holds a bunch of candles. I don't really remember anything else from my dream.
In real news, I am freaking hungry. Yesterday I had a banana and a bowl of ravioli. Today I have had two blackberries that I picked from the wilds (How desperate am I?) and then, when I went into this gas station to fill up my water bottle, the guy asks me if I want some of his lunch. He was eating injera. It was so freaking good. I only had two bites and he said I should stay and have more, and I SHOULD HAVE!! Because I was and still am soo hungry! But I politely declined. Ergh.. So now I feel like such a bum because I don't have any money (not even enough for the bus. I walked 3 miles to get here, to the library.) and the library closes in 15 minutes... Not sure what I'm going to do yet. I guess I'm going to have to call Shaunda or Emily or Renee. We'll see.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
my dreams & my fears (literally)
A few days ago when I got home, there was a note on my door from the LDS Missionaries in my area, saying they had stopped by and to give them a call, which I did not do. Then, yesterday, my Baptism 'certificate' came in the mail along with some paperwork. So I got to figuring eventually they are probably going to stop by again, and one of these days, I will probably be here when they do, or someone from the church will get ahold of me somehow. So last night I tried doing some more research and gather more information on the LDS Church so that I know exactly what I do and do not want to say when I tell them that I want to be no longer a member of the church.
So last night, I had this dream. I was in a beautiful temple with a lot of other members from the church, including Winston, and some of my friends that are not LDS. I tried telling them that I no longer wanted to be apart of the church. They told me that if I wanted to leave, I had to go through Winston, since he was the one that brought me in. I didn't want to, I guess because I still liked Winston and didn't want him to know, or something. At some point, I was on a balcony or patio of some sort on the temple/church. There were a bunch of non-LDS people outside, but close, doing some sort of protest or something. I yelled something along the lines of, "The LDS Church believes that all people have the potential to become Gods. This is not true! There is only ONE TRUE GOD!!!" and everybody started yelling in agreement. Then I went inside the church. Finally Winston found me, and we sat down in a room, just the two of us. It was a strange room. It was kind of long, and there were no pews or chairs, but built-in bench type things in the wall. We sat at one, and Winston was wearing his white baptism outfit. I remember being comforted somehow, like he was holding my hand or something. I told him why I no longer wanted to be apart of the church, the things I had found out about it. Things that (unless you do research) most people don't know about the church, LDS or not. He cried for a minute, and I thought it was because I was leaving the church and probably never see him again. Then he told me that he couldn't believe what he was hearing, that these thigns were all a lie, etc. He told me that he wanted, basically, to leave the church, now, too. I was very surprised. That was the end of my dream.
I don't know exactly what this means, but I guess it was wishful dreaming. I guess I wish that I could leave the church in peace, without anyone being mad at me, and Winston would come with. But I wouldn't want his family to be mad, or to blame me for leaving the church. I guess that's what that dream was about. I haven't really talked to Winston. I sent him one e-mail when I first moved from Renton to Poulsbo, and he replied, but I never replied back. Then he replied again, a week or so later. I still haven't replied. I think because I don't want to disapoint him.
In other news, I am having a hard time lately doing things what used to be normal to me, or that should be normal, like simply talking to people, including my own friends and family. I guess it's some sort of fear of rejection or of people just not caring. I reached out to Shaunda last week, and that was the first time I have reached out to someone in a long time. We had a very nice talk. But since then, I haven't really been able to talk to anybody or to reach out. I don't really try to talk to anybody, and when people try to talk to me, I think of things to say, but almost never say them. I think that I will sound stupid, or like I'm trying too hard, or that the person just won't care. Today, I went to what is probably going to be my home group meeting, in Bremerton. After the meeting, after everyone else had left, I got in my truck. I didn't want to go home yet, and I didn't know what to do. I got out my schedule, but there wasn't another meeting until about 6pm, and it was in Port Orchard. I looked at my phone list for a minute, even entering in numbers, but couldn't get myself to press talk. I just kept playing the tape over and over again in my head.
Me: Hi, is this so-and-so?
So: Yes.
Me: Hi, this is Cassandra.
So: Oh, hi! What's up?
Me: Uhm, I don't know. I'm just sitting in my car.
So: Oh,... okay.
Me: Yeah, so, uhm, do you know about anything to do later?
So: Uhm, there's a meeting at 6 in Port Orchard.
Me: Oh, okay, thanks, bye.
I couldn't get myeslf to call anybody. So I just sat in the car for a while and started reading the small 'welcome to narcotics anonymous' book that someone gave me. I read all the intros all the way up until the beginning of the 2nd step. There are things in there that I can't admit to myself yet. I don't know if I'm an addict or not. I think I have underlying issues. I think it's my behaviors I need to change, and if I changed those, I wouldn't use drugs, etc. I also don't now if God can restore me to sanity. I believe that having a relationship with God is good, and he can help me, however, I don't know if he can restore me to sanity. Well, I'm sure he could if he wanted to, but that doesn't mean that he's going to. And it doesn't mean that I believe he's going to. So after I read until that point, I decided I was going to call someone. I stared at my phone list and entered in numbers for probably about 10 minutes or so, before I finally called the first person on my phone list, and the conversation went pretty much as above. Not wanting to give up and go home yet, I stared at my phone list and entered more numbers into my phone, not pressing talk. Finally a few minutes later, I called the one that, under her name and number, wrote 'call any time!' So I did. I didn't really know what to say at first, and at first the meeting went pretty much as above. But once I told her where I was and what was kind of going on in my head, she said she'd be there in 5 minutes. I think she was there in 2. We sat on the tailgate of her truck for probably about two hours just talking and bullshitting. Talking about using, recovery, time, parents, kids, art, hobbies, family, thirteen steppers, food, which meetings sucked, which meetings were awesome, boyfriends, relationships, all kinds of stuff. She is awesome. I was really glad she came out there to talk to me. After a very long time, we finally said our good-byes and went our seperate ways. I'm glad I called her.
Anyways, that was kind of off-topic, but that was the first time I've had a real conversation with anybody since I last talked to Shaunda. What I was going to tell you is that I have some fears talking to people, especially people that I love or want to love me. I have been wanting to talk to my brother for a very long time now. My brother's name is Travis, and he lives in Florida with his wife and 3 kids. His oldest daughter is about a year or two younger than me, and is starting college this month. He has not called me since I was probably about 10 or younger. I could be wrong on the age, so hey Travis, if you're reading this, I'm not trying to make it sound any worse than it is. Anyways, I added him on facebook (or he added me, I don't remember, but I doubt it.) a while back. He also has two sisters, Tammy and Tracey. I haven't talked to Tammy in a few years, but Tracey talks to me about once or twice a year. Anyways, the point is that I want to talk to Travis, because he is my brother, and my only brother, but I don't know what to say to him. I don't know if he's mad at me, or if he resents me, or if he just doesn't talk to me because I don't talk to him, or what. Maybe I just need to make that first move. Either way, he lives in Florida, so it's not like he's going to invite me over for Thanksgiving and Christmas either way. He stopped talking to our Dad a few years ago because our Dad got a sex change. I think that is a lot of the reason he doesn't talk to me, but I'm not sure. He has dis-owned our Dad, and I wonder if that also means he has dis-owned me. I'm not sure. I don't necessarily support my father's lifestyle, but I also don't NOT support it. He is the only father I ever had, except the short time that Gary was with us, so even though I am not very close with him, I don't want to dis-own him. Well, I don't really know what else to say. I want to talk to my brother but don't know how exactly to go about doing so in the 'right' way. I want to talk to a phsychiatrist about the problems that I'm having, these ones and the many more. Usually I try to figure stuff out on my own, but that is the main problem I'm having right now. I am having a really hard time communicating with people, and I am having a lot of problems and not knowing how to ask for help. So I am going to call the YMCA tomorrow because I know they have sliding-scale sessions there. I don't know if they can help me or not, but at least I will be taking a step in the right direction.
So last night, I had this dream. I was in a beautiful temple with a lot of other members from the church, including Winston, and some of my friends that are not LDS. I tried telling them that I no longer wanted to be apart of the church. They told me that if I wanted to leave, I had to go through Winston, since he was the one that brought me in. I didn't want to, I guess because I still liked Winston and didn't want him to know, or something. At some point, I was on a balcony or patio of some sort on the temple/church. There were a bunch of non-LDS people outside, but close, doing some sort of protest or something. I yelled something along the lines of, "The LDS Church believes that all people have the potential to become Gods. This is not true! There is only ONE TRUE GOD!!!" and everybody started yelling in agreement. Then I went inside the church. Finally Winston found me, and we sat down in a room, just the two of us. It was a strange room. It was kind of long, and there were no pews or chairs, but built-in bench type things in the wall. We sat at one, and Winston was wearing his white baptism outfit. I remember being comforted somehow, like he was holding my hand or something. I told him why I no longer wanted to be apart of the church, the things I had found out about it. Things that (unless you do research) most people don't know about the church, LDS or not. He cried for a minute, and I thought it was because I was leaving the church and probably never see him again. Then he told me that he couldn't believe what he was hearing, that these thigns were all a lie, etc. He told me that he wanted, basically, to leave the church, now, too. I was very surprised. That was the end of my dream.
I don't know exactly what this means, but I guess it was wishful dreaming. I guess I wish that I could leave the church in peace, without anyone being mad at me, and Winston would come with. But I wouldn't want his family to be mad, or to blame me for leaving the church. I guess that's what that dream was about. I haven't really talked to Winston. I sent him one e-mail when I first moved from Renton to Poulsbo, and he replied, but I never replied back. Then he replied again, a week or so later. I still haven't replied. I think because I don't want to disapoint him.
In other news, I am having a hard time lately doing things what used to be normal to me, or that should be normal, like simply talking to people, including my own friends and family. I guess it's some sort of fear of rejection or of people just not caring. I reached out to Shaunda last week, and that was the first time I have reached out to someone in a long time. We had a very nice talk. But since then, I haven't really been able to talk to anybody or to reach out. I don't really try to talk to anybody, and when people try to talk to me, I think of things to say, but almost never say them. I think that I will sound stupid, or like I'm trying too hard, or that the person just won't care. Today, I went to what is probably going to be my home group meeting, in Bremerton. After the meeting, after everyone else had left, I got in my truck. I didn't want to go home yet, and I didn't know what to do. I got out my schedule, but there wasn't another meeting until about 6pm, and it was in Port Orchard. I looked at my phone list for a minute, even entering in numbers, but couldn't get myself to press talk. I just kept playing the tape over and over again in my head.
Me: Hi, is this so-and-so?
So: Yes.
Me: Hi, this is Cassandra.
So: Oh, hi! What's up?
Me: Uhm, I don't know. I'm just sitting in my car.
So: Oh,... okay.
Me: Yeah, so, uhm, do you know about anything to do later?
So: Uhm, there's a meeting at 6 in Port Orchard.
Me: Oh, okay, thanks, bye.
I couldn't get myeslf to call anybody. So I just sat in the car for a while and started reading the small 'welcome to narcotics anonymous' book that someone gave me. I read all the intros all the way up until the beginning of the 2nd step. There are things in there that I can't admit to myself yet. I don't know if I'm an addict or not. I think I have underlying issues. I think it's my behaviors I need to change, and if I changed those, I wouldn't use drugs, etc. I also don't now if God can restore me to sanity. I believe that having a relationship with God is good, and he can help me, however, I don't know if he can restore me to sanity. Well, I'm sure he could if he wanted to, but that doesn't mean that he's going to. And it doesn't mean that I believe he's going to. So after I read until that point, I decided I was going to call someone. I stared at my phone list and entered in numbers for probably about 10 minutes or so, before I finally called the first person on my phone list, and the conversation went pretty much as above. Not wanting to give up and go home yet, I stared at my phone list and entered more numbers into my phone, not pressing talk. Finally a few minutes later, I called the one that, under her name and number, wrote 'call any time!' So I did. I didn't really know what to say at first, and at first the meeting went pretty much as above. But once I told her where I was and what was kind of going on in my head, she said she'd be there in 5 minutes. I think she was there in 2. We sat on the tailgate of her truck for probably about two hours just talking and bullshitting. Talking about using, recovery, time, parents, kids, art, hobbies, family, thirteen steppers, food, which meetings sucked, which meetings were awesome, boyfriends, relationships, all kinds of stuff. She is awesome. I was really glad she came out there to talk to me. After a very long time, we finally said our good-byes and went our seperate ways. I'm glad I called her.
Anyways, that was kind of off-topic, but that was the first time I've had a real conversation with anybody since I last talked to Shaunda. What I was going to tell you is that I have some fears talking to people, especially people that I love or want to love me. I have been wanting to talk to my brother for a very long time now. My brother's name is Travis, and he lives in Florida with his wife and 3 kids. His oldest daughter is about a year or two younger than me, and is starting college this month. He has not called me since I was probably about 10 or younger. I could be wrong on the age, so hey Travis, if you're reading this, I'm not trying to make it sound any worse than it is. Anyways, I added him on facebook (or he added me, I don't remember, but I doubt it.) a while back. He also has two sisters, Tammy and Tracey. I haven't talked to Tammy in a few years, but Tracey talks to me about once or twice a year. Anyways, the point is that I want to talk to Travis, because he is my brother, and my only brother, but I don't know what to say to him. I don't know if he's mad at me, or if he resents me, or if he just doesn't talk to me because I don't talk to him, or what. Maybe I just need to make that first move. Either way, he lives in Florida, so it's not like he's going to invite me over for Thanksgiving and Christmas either way. He stopped talking to our Dad a few years ago because our Dad got a sex change. I think that is a lot of the reason he doesn't talk to me, but I'm not sure. He has dis-owned our Dad, and I wonder if that also means he has dis-owned me. I'm not sure. I don't necessarily support my father's lifestyle, but I also don't NOT support it. He is the only father I ever had, except the short time that Gary was with us, so even though I am not very close with him, I don't want to dis-own him. Well, I don't really know what else to say. I want to talk to my brother but don't know how exactly to go about doing so in the 'right' way. I want to talk to a phsychiatrist about the problems that I'm having, these ones and the many more. Usually I try to figure stuff out on my own, but that is the main problem I'm having right now. I am having a really hard time communicating with people, and I am having a lot of problems and not knowing how to ask for help. So I am going to call the YMCA tomorrow because I know they have sliding-scale sessions there. I don't know if they can help me or not, but at least I will be taking a step in the right direction.
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