I was reading the comments for the Gregory and the Hawk 'A Wish' lyrics on songmeanings.com, and some of the people are so stupid (or maybe I am just judgemental because I think I'm right about everything.) But I would like to talk about what I think the meaning of the lyrics are. Most of them are pretty forward, I believe, but some people need explanation. Also, how I relate to some of these lyrics, and have had experience in these areas.
I wish to feel smaller under your sheets.
I believe this is self explanatory. I want to feel smaller, skinnier, not so big, under your sheets. Don't all girls feel like that?
I wish for the whole truth every time you speak.
He probably sticks to the short answers. My ex used to do this. "Where were you at after work?" "A friends house / Robbie's house / Buying weed." But didn't mention that another girl was there, or that he went over to the other girls house after that.
I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me, while I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep...
Self explanatory. He obviously doesn't care that much. He shows up, has sex, smokes cigarettes, goes to sleep.
And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
Ignoring me the morning after
isn't enough
The third line explains the second. She told him how she feels about him, and he 'stuck it in his pocket' or acknowledged it, but disregarded it, ignored it, didn't really have a response.
and I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
I could be wrong, but I think it's obvious that this line talks about her cutting herself. This happens to lots of girls in their teen years. I dealt with it, along with a lot of my really close friends. Shit, I'm 21 years old and this happened to me just last month.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.
He's not going to stay. He's going to leave and break her heart. Whether or not he leaves, her heart is already breaking and it's going to be completely broken when she stops being in denial about him being an asshole. Going through something like this (being cheated on, not cared for, abused, etc.) makes it a lot harder to give your heart to the next person. It's hard to give your heart to someone if the least person's heart tore yours away.
And I wish to feel smaller under your hands,
though you seem satisfied as you slip mine
down your pants.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
While you lift up my shirt after asking politely.
And I guess it doesn't matter what I am or pretend to be
Cuz it's her you'll always love and it's her I'll always envy.
Self explanatory... She can try her best, pretend to be perfect, cater to him, etc, but it's her (an ex or another girl) he'll always love. She'll always envy her for having her man's love.
I want to end this now so dreams of you won't keep me up.
This one, I'm not sure about. I believe she is either talking about ending the relationship or ending her life. Possibly she's already having dreams about him that keep her up, and she thinks that ending the relationship would stop the dreams. Or ending her life (since I already think she's cutting herself) so that she won't have to worry about having any dreams anymore at all, considering the fact that ending the relationship doesn't always mean the dreams go away.
But I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.
And it's hard to find
What I want
When it's buried beneath the biggest rock.
I could pay lots of money
To help lift it with machines
But I'm not sure you'd cooperate.
Not sure you'd come clean.
It seems like what she wants is his love, and the biggest rock is a huge obstacle, probably the other girl. She could 'pay lots of money' or put a lot of effort into proving that there is another girl, but she's not sure if he'd cooperate or come clean. I totally understand this. I had a ridiculous amount of proof that my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me, and stll to this day (two years later) he denies it. I 'lifted the biggest rock' but he still wouldn't cooperate or come clean.
And I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep.
And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
Ignoring me the morning after isn't enough
and I swear I'm going to cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
Yeah, I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.
And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.
Is gonna tear mine away.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
dreaming of you.
I've been dreaming of you. These dreams are so real that I'm devastated when I wake up. I miss the comfort of knowing you were always there for me. I miss the comfort of our platonic relationship; close and intimate and never more. I miss that you loved all the songs I loved, and loved to sing them with me. I miss your nonsensical conversations that made me feel closer to God. It's a reservation to think that one day we'll ever be able to be close like that again and feel the euphoria of our neurotransmitters receiving mass amounts of dopamine. But the one thing I miss most about the life I had before was you. I once thought God sent you to me; once the devil, and I'm still not sure. But I know that to invite you back into my life would mean giving up everything I've gained. Sometimes I wonder if it would be worth it, knowing that it wouldn't.
Monday, July 4, 2011
jamais fini.
Why did you stumble? You should have never even tried to walk at all. Your legs aren't strong enough, your heart isn't strong enough, You know you're not strong enough. Why would you say that? Why did you do that? You're so fucking mean to yourself. But I can't help but love you. You're shaking and you're puking. It's not cute, but I love you. Even though every time you relapse, you just give up and you collapse. Honey, you're so free but you feel so trapped.
Oh yes, she, she feels like crap.
She loevs him so damn much, but not enough to loosen the grasp she's got on the bottle; she's got on the bottle; she's got on the bottle; fuck that... shit. She just wants another hit. She'll do anything for it. He wakes up and his foil is gone, along with his beer and his rum and his cash and his bong. We won't be young forever, girl. I won't forgive you forever, girl. I feel older everyday without you. Working 9-5, I'm a zombie, not alive without you. I come alive at night when I'm with you, I'm alright. You've got your drugs and cigs and booze, but my drug of choice is you.
We see things through four different eyes, but I never seem to see the half of it.
We ignore all the little white lies, while you're sitting there doing little white lines and making big black trails that lead down a dark and lonely road where no one cares, but so many go. Hold onto your lighter, because you're great at burning bridges and even better at building walls. Hold on tighter, because you don't know how to swim and you don't know how to climb. You're going to drown in your sorrow, you've got nowhere to go, no plans for tomorrow. You've given up, she can't seem to give it up. She's only been gone one week out of the year so far, but she's planning to leave for three or four more. She'll probably be gone longer, knowing her, I feel like I don't fucking know her. Even when you're here, you're gone, so far gone, because you're just a little girl, so fucking scared of everything, everything, absolutely fucking everything. You're out of control all the fucking time, but you tell me that you're mine, you promise that you're mine. You've got your keys, don't need your phone, you'd rather be alone. I put up with it because I'd rather not call you out on your shit. I'm not superman, you're a big girl, you say you've got your own big plans. Are they bigger than me? Are they better than me? Are they shiny and bright like your foil or dark and crusty like your trails and your nails? You've got something on your face, baby. Black on your cheek and white on your nose. A little puke on your clothes, and in your hair. Man, you're not all there, why do I even fucking care? It's never fair, I don't know why I'm still here. Am I still fucking here?
Baby, you're so worth it. You're so beautiful, but no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I can't change you. I won't chase you into the abyss. You want just one more, just one more kiss, one more hit. It's always just one more, you say that's it. You never stop at one, but I won't fund your escapades anymore. I'm done co-signing your bullshit. You dragged me so far down, you're so far gone, I bet it's hard to breathe with that bottle in your mouth. You're still smoking, though you're choking on the smoke from the bong. You're drowning, but it's too late to learn how to swim. You'll never learn, you'll never learn. You'll never win, you'll never win. It's too late. Quit coming back. I can't save you.
Oh yes, she, she feels like crap.
She loevs him so damn much, but not enough to loosen the grasp she's got on the bottle; she's got on the bottle; she's got on the bottle; fuck that... shit. She just wants another hit. She'll do anything for it. He wakes up and his foil is gone, along with his beer and his rum and his cash and his bong. We won't be young forever, girl. I won't forgive you forever, girl. I feel older everyday without you. Working 9-5, I'm a zombie, not alive without you. I come alive at night when I'm with you, I'm alright. You've got your drugs and cigs and booze, but my drug of choice is you.
We see things through four different eyes, but I never seem to see the half of it.
We ignore all the little white lies, while you're sitting there doing little white lines and making big black trails that lead down a dark and lonely road where no one cares, but so many go. Hold onto your lighter, because you're great at burning bridges and even better at building walls. Hold on tighter, because you don't know how to swim and you don't know how to climb. You're going to drown in your sorrow, you've got nowhere to go, no plans for tomorrow. You've given up, she can't seem to give it up. She's only been gone one week out of the year so far, but she's planning to leave for three or four more. She'll probably be gone longer, knowing her, I feel like I don't fucking know her. Even when you're here, you're gone, so far gone, because you're just a little girl, so fucking scared of everything, everything, absolutely fucking everything. You're out of control all the fucking time, but you tell me that you're mine, you promise that you're mine. You've got your keys, don't need your phone, you'd rather be alone. I put up with it because I'd rather not call you out on your shit. I'm not superman, you're a big girl, you say you've got your own big plans. Are they bigger than me? Are they better than me? Are they shiny and bright like your foil or dark and crusty like your trails and your nails? You've got something on your face, baby. Black on your cheek and white on your nose. A little puke on your clothes, and in your hair. Man, you're not all there, why do I even fucking care? It's never fair, I don't know why I'm still here. Am I still fucking here?
Baby, you're so worth it. You're so beautiful, but no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I can't change you. I won't chase you into the abyss. You want just one more, just one more kiss, one more hit. It's always just one more, you say that's it. You never stop at one, but I won't fund your escapades anymore. I'm done co-signing your bullshit. You dragged me so far down, you're so far gone, I bet it's hard to breathe with that bottle in your mouth. You're still smoking, though you're choking on the smoke from the bong. You're drowning, but it's too late to learn how to swim. You'll never learn, you'll never learn. You'll never win, you'll never win. It's too late. Quit coming back. I can't save you.
Friday, April 15, 2011
...
we used to be friends
we used to be young
we used to laugh
we used to have fun
we used to talk
we used to listen
now things have changed
now life is different
now we have resentments
now every time i look at you
i think that you hate me
i know it's not true
but those thoughts don't escape me
i know it's my own insecurities
i know it's just life
but i can't get over
how good it used to be
when we were young
and could laugh
and have fun
we didn't need drugs
to have a good time
we just needed eachother
and everything was fine.
damn, has life changed.
we used to be young
we used to laugh
we used to have fun
we used to talk
we used to listen
now things have changed
now life is different
now we have resentments
now every time i look at you
i think that you hate me
i know it's not true
but those thoughts don't escape me
i know it's my own insecurities
i know it's just life
but i can't get over
how good it used to be
when we were young
and could laugh
and have fun
we didn't need drugs
to have a good time
we just needed eachother
and everything was fine.
damn, has life changed.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Poetry in Recovery!
I started writing poetry again! Here is what I've written so far.
on March 11th 2011
Obsession is my weapon of mass destruction.
I obsess to the point that I can't properly function.
I engross myself in that person, place or thing,
and try to take more than just what it's offering.
I'm hurting others, while just disappointing myself.
It's no good for my spiritual or mental health.
I'm working the steps, taking the steps,
so I can become less and less obsessed.
Even though, every day I see these defects,
every day I'm less stressed,
because I'm giving it to God,
giving him everything I've got,
the good and the bad,
the fresh and the rot,
my resentments and fears,
my heartaches and tears.
He's teaching me to listen.
So now I'll shut my mouth and open my ears.
March 12th 2011
I'm not perfect. I'm pretty insecure.
I don't know who I am, I'm really not sure.
I don't know who you see when your eyes stare at me.
I don't know what to do when I'm standing next to you.
I don't know what to say when you start walking my way.
I don't know where to go when you leave me all alone.
I don't know who I am, or what I like to do.
I wish I had a script and someone gave me all my cues.
Life wouldn't be so confusing if God would just tell me what to do.
I'm twenty years old, but I feel brand new,
but yet, not, because I'm used and abused, and I have a past.
I can look back and see an ugly view.
I've had plenty when I've said I'd only have a few.
I've left people high and dry without even bidding them a due.
But today's the day I see, and today's the day I choose. Today I will be clean.
Today I will not use.
March 21st 2011
You told me I found N(o) A(nswers) on my journey,
But I found the truth that set me free of my worries, fears, and impurities.
Truth that I'm N(ever) A(lone). Truth that I've found my home.
Truth that I'll N(ever) A(gain) have to use, be used, abuse, or be abused.
I'll N(ever) A(gain) have to lose everything.
The truth shall set you free.
You're not free to be the real you, because the real you, you don't even know or see.
I'm free to be the real me.
I'm free to see without cloudy vision, because I surrendered.
On a daily basis, you give in, so you can't see clearly.
you think you know what I'm going through, but you're not even near me.
You need to focus on you. I'm not even speaking to you. How can you hear me?
March 28th 2011
I can't always be strong. Sometimes I'm so weak.
I can't always be perfect. I can only be me.
When I'm hurt, I will cry. When I'm happy, I'll sing.
I don't care too much about what others think.
I don't know what I'm trying to find, because I've never had it before.
I want to go back to old familiar ways. I feel like I'm already there.
A few cigarettes later, and I feel the same despair.
I wish I could just pause time and stay in this moment forever.
By myself, yet I don't feel alone.
Watching a beautiful view that could soon be gone.
April 5th 2011
I once was addicted.
My heart, inflicted.
My mind, sick and twisted.
Living life, I resisted.
But then I was found.
In the dirt, on the ground.
I was hurt, I was bound
for death.
So I finally confessed.
I had no dreams, I had no goals.
It would seem I had no soul.
But then you told me you'd love me until I loved myself.
If I was hurting, you would help.
If my ass was burning, or on fire,
or I was in dire despair,
you would be there,
for me, because you care.
Life isn't fair,
but it's getting better.
I stay in the middle of the boat through all the stormy weather.
I can't do this alone, but we can do it together.
Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not forever.
But one day at a time,
and I know eventually with your help, I'll get it right.
on March 11th 2011
Obsession is my weapon of mass destruction.
I obsess to the point that I can't properly function.
I engross myself in that person, place or thing,
and try to take more than just what it's offering.
I'm hurting others, while just disappointing myself.
It's no good for my spiritual or mental health.
I'm working the steps, taking the steps,
so I can become less and less obsessed.
Even though, every day I see these defects,
every day I'm less stressed,
because I'm giving it to God,
giving him everything I've got,
the good and the bad,
the fresh and the rot,
my resentments and fears,
my heartaches and tears.
He's teaching me to listen.
So now I'll shut my mouth and open my ears.
March 12th 2011
I'm not perfect. I'm pretty insecure.
I don't know who I am, I'm really not sure.
I don't know who you see when your eyes stare at me.
I don't know what to do when I'm standing next to you.
I don't know what to say when you start walking my way.
I don't know where to go when you leave me all alone.
I don't know who I am, or what I like to do.
I wish I had a script and someone gave me all my cues.
Life wouldn't be so confusing if God would just tell me what to do.
I'm twenty years old, but I feel brand new,
but yet, not, because I'm used and abused, and I have a past.
I can look back and see an ugly view.
I've had plenty when I've said I'd only have a few.
I've left people high and dry without even bidding them a due.
But today's the day I see, and today's the day I choose. Today I will be clean.
Today I will not use.
March 21st 2011
You told me I found N(o) A(nswers) on my journey,
But I found the truth that set me free of my worries, fears, and impurities.
Truth that I'm N(ever) A(lone). Truth that I've found my home.
Truth that I'll N(ever) A(gain) have to use, be used, abuse, or be abused.
I'll N(ever) A(gain) have to lose everything.
The truth shall set you free.
You're not free to be the real you, because the real you, you don't even know or see.
I'm free to be the real me.
I'm free to see without cloudy vision, because I surrendered.
On a daily basis, you give in, so you can't see clearly.
you think you know what I'm going through, but you're not even near me.
You need to focus on you. I'm not even speaking to you. How can you hear me?
March 28th 2011
I can't always be strong. Sometimes I'm so weak.
I can't always be perfect. I can only be me.
When I'm hurt, I will cry. When I'm happy, I'll sing.
I don't care too much about what others think.
I don't know what I'm trying to find, because I've never had it before.
I want to go back to old familiar ways. I feel like I'm already there.
A few cigarettes later, and I feel the same despair.
I wish I could just pause time and stay in this moment forever.
By myself, yet I don't feel alone.
Watching a beautiful view that could soon be gone.
April 5th 2011
I once was addicted.
My heart, inflicted.
My mind, sick and twisted.
Living life, I resisted.
But then I was found.
In the dirt, on the ground.
I was hurt, I was bound
for death.
So I finally confessed.
I had no dreams, I had no goals.
It would seem I had no soul.
But then you told me you'd love me until I loved myself.
If I was hurting, you would help.
If my ass was burning, or on fire,
or I was in dire despair,
you would be there,
for me, because you care.
Life isn't fair,
but it's getting better.
I stay in the middle of the boat through all the stormy weather.
I can't do this alone, but we can do it together.
Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not forever.
But one day at a time,
and I know eventually with your help, I'll get it right.
Monday, April 4, 2011
I just want my mail...
I have been trying to get my mail from my old place for a while not, I don't exactly know how long, but at least a couple of weeks or so.
Conversation between Brett & I on Sunday April 3rd.
Me: I need to get my mail.
Brett: I have a notice from usps however they need to have it sent to a place where you can sign for it. It must be a package or something.
Me: Okay you can send it to _____ it's my Dad's address and he can sign for me.
Brett: I will try and have it forwarded. Also. I have removed you from the rental agreement and _____ signed a new one. However you still owe me for you portion of 2 months rent and utilities. Can you make payment. Court is such a waste of time, money, and fees
SIDENOTE: Yes, the court is a waste of time, money, and fees, and if he took me to court, which he will not, he would loose his property because of the activities going on on his property, and I wouldn't have to pay him any money, hence, the real reason why he doesn't want to take me to court.
Me: Okay we will work something out.
Brett: How is your road to recovery and the job hunt
Me: My recovery is going good I just started working and got into an oxford house and pretty soon here, idk exactly when, this program is going to pay my rent for 6 months which is awesome so I will be able to pay off some debt.
Brett: Small amounts work. I have BO on a payment plan to. I'm all about progress and helping people when they truly need it. I am glad you found good people 2 help
Conversation between CJ & I on Sunday April April 3rd, after the above conversation.
Me: Are you going to be home later, because I'd really like to pick up my mail.
CJ: not til like 9.
Me: Well thats perfect cuz I have a meeting til 8:30. I'll hit you up when I get out
CJ: okey dokey. sounds good.
CJ: apparently you cant come over. im sorry. if you want your mail. just tell me ur address and ill send it to you.....im gettin tired of all this bull shit.
Me: Wow. Yeah that is bullshit. Well when do you work at bbq next? I can pick it up from you there if you don't mind
CJ: dude its not me. you need to talk to BO. i dont owe shit after what you did. im now finding out how much debt were in....i
I didn't reply until the next day, Monday April 4th at 1:54pm.
Me: I understand it's not you. I tried calling BO but he didn't answer. I understand you don't owe me anything. I'm just trying to get my mail and if I can't get it there, I'd like to get it somehow. I talked with Brett a few days ago and he said we are going to work out a payment plan. So you guys shouldn't be in debt with Brett if I'm going to pay my part. Anyways so can you just put my mail back in the mailbox and put a note for the mailman saying I don't live there anymore and that I will pick it up at the post office or something? I'm not trying to have you do me any favors, I just want my mail.
CJ: its not just the rent. its the utilities as well. and we shouldnt even be in debt to begin with. where the fuck did our money go? Or the fact that you said you would pay which you didn't, or that you were gonna find a room mate to replace you. and what a shock, you didnt do that either. what the fuck else did you flake on and hide from us? im not doing shit. ive paid my debt to you, to brett instead. I dont want to be the middle man. ill leave a notefor the mail man but they need your new address to be able to forward it to you. if you want it then talk to BO and CD.
Me: Yeah I gave Brett my Dad's address for my mail but I guess he didn't give it to you. It's ____________________________. I'm not going to sit here and explain myself about all that stuff. The fact of the matter is that I didn't do any of it.
CJ: im not gonna go to your place. and i can atleast keep this address confidential. thats pretty much as much as ill do for you. like i said i dont care about giving you your mail but its not me. and they would know if one day your mail is all of the sudden gone. u know?
Me: I don't really understand what you're saying. Are you saying BO & CD don't want me to have my mail, period?
CJ: I didnt ask for an explination. frankly i dont give a shit. i just want to wash my hands of all this. The only reason why im actually not too mad is because why you left. to quit drugs. which i am proud of you for. but jesus fucking christ. you really fucked us over and i dont trust you at all. I never did shit to you. your just another prime example on why i hate the human race. im not suppose to say names....but im also getting tired of them. i cant blame you for leaving. but yes. apparently you have something of theirs? idk i just walked out on them. they were freaking out when i told them it was ok for you to come over. like i said,im sick of being the middle man.
Me: Yeah I'm sorry about that. I'm not tryna make you the middle man. There was and is a huge lack of communication between everyone including brett. Not sayin it's anyones fault, because it's not. But Brett said he was going to send me my mail and I guess he never did.
CJ: he has yet to get his own mail dude. i dont think he has a clue. in general.
Me: Yeah he's... Psh I don't even know. Anyways I'm sorry about all this and am still trying to get my shit together so I can take care of all this. Sorry.
CJ; Its what ever. life lesson i guess.
Conversation immediately after the above, between BO & me.
Me: Hey bro so is something going on with my mail? I was trying to come pick it up but CJ said I can't?
BO: Can u just give us an address and we can forward it to ya
Me: Hahah yeah it's my dad's address. It's ____________________________. I gave it to brett but I guess he never sent my mail.
BO: Oh really wow brett is dumb...
Me: Yeah I agree.
Conversation between Brett & I on Sunday April 3rd.
Me: I need to get my mail.
Brett: I have a notice from usps however they need to have it sent to a place where you can sign for it. It must be a package or something.
Me: Okay you can send it to _____ it's my Dad's address and he can sign for me.
Brett: I will try and have it forwarded. Also. I have removed you from the rental agreement and _____ signed a new one. However you still owe me for you portion of 2 months rent and utilities. Can you make payment. Court is such a waste of time, money, and fees
SIDENOTE: Yes, the court is a waste of time, money, and fees, and if he took me to court, which he will not, he would loose his property because of the activities going on on his property, and I wouldn't have to pay him any money, hence, the real reason why he doesn't want to take me to court.
Me: Okay we will work something out.
Brett: How is your road to recovery and the job hunt
Me: My recovery is going good I just started working and got into an oxford house and pretty soon here, idk exactly when, this program is going to pay my rent for 6 months which is awesome so I will be able to pay off some debt.
Brett: Small amounts work. I have BO on a payment plan to. I'm all about progress and helping people when they truly need it. I am glad you found good people 2 help
Conversation between CJ & I on Sunday April April 3rd, after the above conversation.
Me: Are you going to be home later, because I'd really like to pick up my mail.
CJ: not til like 9.
Me: Well thats perfect cuz I have a meeting til 8:30. I'll hit you up when I get out
CJ: okey dokey. sounds good.
CJ: apparently you cant come over. im sorry. if you want your mail. just tell me ur address and ill send it to you.....im gettin tired of all this bull shit.
Me: Wow. Yeah that is bullshit. Well when do you work at bbq next? I can pick it up from you there if you don't mind
CJ: dude its not me. you need to talk to BO. i dont owe shit after what you did. im now finding out how much debt were in....i
I didn't reply until the next day, Monday April 4th at 1:54pm.
Me: I understand it's not you. I tried calling BO but he didn't answer. I understand you don't owe me anything. I'm just trying to get my mail and if I can't get it there, I'd like to get it somehow. I talked with Brett a few days ago and he said we are going to work out a payment plan. So you guys shouldn't be in debt with Brett if I'm going to pay my part. Anyways so can you just put my mail back in the mailbox and put a note for the mailman saying I don't live there anymore and that I will pick it up at the post office or something? I'm not trying to have you do me any favors, I just want my mail.
CJ: its not just the rent. its the utilities as well. and we shouldnt even be in debt to begin with. where the fuck did our money go? Or the fact that you said you would pay which you didn't, or that you were gonna find a room mate to replace you. and what a shock, you didnt do that either. what the fuck else did you flake on and hide from us? im not doing shit. ive paid my debt to you, to brett instead. I dont want to be the middle man. ill leave a notefor the mail man but they need your new address to be able to forward it to you. if you want it then talk to BO and CD.
Me: Yeah I gave Brett my Dad's address for my mail but I guess he didn't give it to you. It's ____________________________. I'm not going to sit here and explain myself about all that stuff. The fact of the matter is that I didn't do any of it.
CJ: im not gonna go to your place. and i can atleast keep this address confidential. thats pretty much as much as ill do for you. like i said i dont care about giving you your mail but its not me. and they would know if one day your mail is all of the sudden gone. u know?
Me: I don't really understand what you're saying. Are you saying BO & CD don't want me to have my mail, period?
CJ: I didnt ask for an explination. frankly i dont give a shit. i just want to wash my hands of all this. The only reason why im actually not too mad is because why you left. to quit drugs. which i am proud of you for. but jesus fucking christ. you really fucked us over and i dont trust you at all. I never did shit to you. your just another prime example on why i hate the human race. im not suppose to say names....but im also getting tired of them. i cant blame you for leaving. but yes. apparently you have something of theirs? idk i just walked out on them. they were freaking out when i told them it was ok for you to come over. like i said,im sick of being the middle man.
Me: Yeah I'm sorry about that. I'm not tryna make you the middle man. There was and is a huge lack of communication between everyone including brett. Not sayin it's anyones fault, because it's not. But Brett said he was going to send me my mail and I guess he never did.
CJ: he has yet to get his own mail dude. i dont think he has a clue. in general.
Me: Yeah he's... Psh I don't even know. Anyways I'm sorry about all this and am still trying to get my shit together so I can take care of all this. Sorry.
CJ; Its what ever. life lesson i guess.
Conversation immediately after the above, between BO & me.
Me: Hey bro so is something going on with my mail? I was trying to come pick it up but CJ said I can't?
BO: Can u just give us an address and we can forward it to ya
Me: Hahah yeah it's my dad's address. It's ____________________________. I gave it to brett but I guess he never sent my mail.
BO: Oh really wow brett is dumb...
Me: Yeah I agree.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
my dreams & my hunger.
So last night I had a couple dreams. I ALMOST had a lucid dream, too.
In one of the dreams, I was having sex with this guy, he was very well endowed. He was a white guy. When we were done, I saw that there was blood all over his dick. He was kind of mad and I was just like, "Dude, I'm sorry, I just had my period last week, I shouldn't be on my period, I don't know why this is happening. Sorry." Another part of my dream I remember is walking with some guy, I think he was Shane, except it wasn't him, it was this mixed or black guy. I remember being very comfortable with him. He was holding my hand. We had to go over this cliff thing to get to Papa Murphys / Ezelle's. Except it wasn't Papa Murphys, because the pizza was already cooked. We got pineapple pizza and chicken. Then I remember going back to get more later, but this time when my man ordered, the guy thought he said pea pizza, and he gave us pea pizza. My man didn't want to speak up and correct him and I was super mad. Because he gave us pea pizza. Another part of my dream I remember is talking to my sister Tina on the phone. I remember saying 'mmhmm' to something she said. (I spent the night at Shane's house last night and he was right next to me when this was happening.) I all of a sudden realized where I was in real life, but yet I still felt like I had to respond to what Tina was saying, like I knew I was talking in my sleep (because I was) but I still felt like I was really talking to Tina. But I didn't want to say too much because I was also aware that Shane could hear me. It was weird. So then I said 'uhm. mmhmm.' Another part of my dream, I remember I was at Josa's house in her bathroom, and it was a really nice bathroom. Her mom like custom made these things that go behind and next to the toilet all the way to the wall. It was like this thing that holds a bunch of candles. I don't really remember anything else from my dream.
In real news, I am freaking hungry. Yesterday I had a banana and a bowl of ravioli. Today I have had two blackberries that I picked from the wilds (How desperate am I?) and then, when I went into this gas station to fill up my water bottle, the guy asks me if I want some of his lunch. He was eating injera. It was so freaking good. I only had two bites and he said I should stay and have more, and I SHOULD HAVE!! Because I was and still am soo hungry! But I politely declined. Ergh.. So now I feel like such a bum because I don't have any money (not even enough for the bus. I walked 3 miles to get here, to the library.) and the library closes in 15 minutes... Not sure what I'm going to do yet. I guess I'm going to have to call Shaunda or Emily or Renee. We'll see.
In one of the dreams, I was having sex with this guy, he was very well endowed. He was a white guy. When we were done, I saw that there was blood all over his dick. He was kind of mad and I was just like, "Dude, I'm sorry, I just had my period last week, I shouldn't be on my period, I don't know why this is happening. Sorry." Another part of my dream I remember is walking with some guy, I think he was Shane, except it wasn't him, it was this mixed or black guy. I remember being very comfortable with him. He was holding my hand. We had to go over this cliff thing to get to Papa Murphys / Ezelle's. Except it wasn't Papa Murphys, because the pizza was already cooked. We got pineapple pizza and chicken. Then I remember going back to get more later, but this time when my man ordered, the guy thought he said pea pizza, and he gave us pea pizza. My man didn't want to speak up and correct him and I was super mad. Because he gave us pea pizza. Another part of my dream I remember is talking to my sister Tina on the phone. I remember saying 'mmhmm' to something she said. (I spent the night at Shane's house last night and he was right next to me when this was happening.) I all of a sudden realized where I was in real life, but yet I still felt like I had to respond to what Tina was saying, like I knew I was talking in my sleep (because I was) but I still felt like I was really talking to Tina. But I didn't want to say too much because I was also aware that Shane could hear me. It was weird. So then I said 'uhm. mmhmm.' Another part of my dream, I remember I was at Josa's house in her bathroom, and it was a really nice bathroom. Her mom like custom made these things that go behind and next to the toilet all the way to the wall. It was like this thing that holds a bunch of candles. I don't really remember anything else from my dream.
In real news, I am freaking hungry. Yesterday I had a banana and a bowl of ravioli. Today I have had two blackberries that I picked from the wilds (How desperate am I?) and then, when I went into this gas station to fill up my water bottle, the guy asks me if I want some of his lunch. He was eating injera. It was so freaking good. I only had two bites and he said I should stay and have more, and I SHOULD HAVE!! Because I was and still am soo hungry! But I politely declined. Ergh.. So now I feel like such a bum because I don't have any money (not even enough for the bus. I walked 3 miles to get here, to the library.) and the library closes in 15 minutes... Not sure what I'm going to do yet. I guess I'm going to have to call Shaunda or Emily or Renee. We'll see.
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