Sleep Deprivatioin.

Well, well, well. Look whose staying up until 5am... or later. Wednesday night I stayed up until past 7am playing PVZ. My Co-Worker gave me a copy of it. I haven't played it since I was living in my Oxford House before my computer crashed again. Tonight after I got home from a midnight meeting and hanging out, I uploaded another video onto my youtube account and played PVZ... and now I'm pretty much just doing anything to avoid going to sleep. The things I've been doing are obviously not important, anyways, since I don't even remember what I was doing 2 minutes ago on the computer. Just random stuff that doesn't matter... I wish I could remember, though...

Oh, yeah, I was reviewing businesses on google... strange.

This is what happens when I want to avoid doing things... including sleeping.
I stay up all night on the computer doing things that aren't important.
Instead of getting ADEQUATE SLEEP or doing stepwork or anything that would actually be BENEFICIAL to me.
Is that procrastination or a death wish?
It could be a little of both.
I should probably go to sleep.

Yayyy!!!

I'm sure my words will not give this justice, (especially since it is 3:19am and I'm just about brain dead) but I will try to describe what's up.

I have been really struggling to share my feelings, secrets, etc, with people. This morning I finally went to see my mental health psychotherapist to do paperwork, and I already feel so comfortable with her. We are going to start psychotherapy next week and do it once a week for now. I am so excited to start psychotherapy. I already feel more comfortable telling my secrets.

Tonight a very close friend of mine that I went to treatment with came over and we had an 'AANA' meeting. We read literature from both the Big Book and the Basic Text. It was awesome. I really opened up, and even though it was 'just' my friend, it was still just this amazing share, both times that her and I shared. Since it was so good, we decided that next Saturday we are each going to invite two girls to come join us!

After my friend went home, I stayed up for almost two more hours writing a "pre-amble" or whatever the thing is called that the secretary reads. SOO anyways... besides that, I got paid on Friday and paid Wells Fargo back all the money that I owed them, went clothes shopping, bought make-up, tithed and contributed money to my homegroup, and I still have money left over! I'm very excited about that.

recovery spit (updated 11-15-11)

Sung to the tune of Gucci Gucci



Gucci Gucci Louie Louie Fendi Fendi Prada
Basic bitches wear that shit / so I don’t even bother
Girl you think you’re lookin’ cute / You’re man, he thinks I’m hotter
You dress yourself up to look nice / But I don’t even gotta
You might have material shit / But I gotta lotta
Love, acceptance, happiness / and you got zero, nada
I’m already heating up / Please go get me some water

You be shoppin’ at the mall / Girl, I make my own shit
You look like the rest of ‘em all / I got a unique fit
Like Charlie Sheen, I’m Winning / Girl, You need to just quit
I’ma stand up nice & tall / maybe you should just sit
Down before you trip & fall / Blood everywhere cuz you just split
Your head open / I’m not hopin / I’m just knowin / I’m not playin
I’m just sayin’ / I’m a prophet / I’m that hot shit / I’m not jokin
I’m not blowin / Smoke up ya ass / I don’t do that
I do that out the window / Just kidding / HAHAHA
I don’t smoke that indo / Used to though / Spent all my dough
Hustle all day / Yeah I was a ho / Fucked Billy, Bob / Sam & Joe
It’s not like I’m proud / You know / Usually keep it / On the down low
Not everybody Needs to know / I made bank but / Was still po`
Spent money on drugs / just said SO / Did my 1st step and
I was like WHOAH / Never realized / Did not know
Life was not manageable / Cuz of E and alcohol
and that H and all that dro / But it’s all good / I’m clean now yo

I’m very aware / Of the power of prayer / I asked for God’s help
Though I thought he wasn’t there / I was so alone / I was so scared
I didn’t know God loved me / I didn’t know he cared
This is what I did before I knew he was there

I used to blaze / Lookin all glazed
But then my life started getting all gray / It stopped bein good
It stopped bein great / Saw that dragon / I started to chase
Man I’d be / fucked up for days / No it was not / just a faze
My life was / a fucking waste / started to love / that bitter taste
But then I started to hate / it / so I quit / and that was the end of it
Now I don’t smoke even a little bit / Well except for cigarettes
but those do not get me lit / Now I’m on that recovery tip
I no longer take those hits / I admit / I was powerless
down to my last hour shit / Drugs yeah I devoured them
But then they devoured me / They did not empower me
I was just a coward, see / I would not face my feelings
But now my heart is healing / With this life I am dealing
Now my life has much meaning / Now God is all that I need
Starve my fear / It’s faith I feed / Oh boy did I really need
Some clarification / In that situation
Cause my body, mind, soul, and heart were breaking / I was miserable
Day out and day in / I was dead / Now I’m awakened

Now I got hope / Now I got faith / Now I got friends that ain’t so fake
Stick with the winners / Like they say
Now I’m not always getting all blazed / All messed up and in a haze
7 15 is my clean date / I’ll get some time if I just wait / Is this destiny
Is this fate / I don’t know what that shit is / But if I’m loving
Don’t show no hate / I know whose will I’m in / It’s his
God’s will isn’t just for me / I know it’s for all of us
But not everyone stays clean / Some of us get off this bus
Instead of recovery / It’s the drugs that they trust
Or their heart was just not touched / Or they didn’t have enough
Maybe they just were not done / They went for another run
Thought this time it would be fun / But that shit is fucking dumb
Now they are just fucking numb / They are lost / So far, I’ve won

But it’s all good / It’s okay / I’ma talk to God and pray / For you
Won’t say boo hoo / Won’t say poor you / Just support you
When you crawl back / When you fall back / When you call back / When you come back
When you run back / And you’re done with your sack

Fairy Tale

I finished my 2nd step, watched this video



and somehow came up with this song, which is to be sung to the tune Lights by Ellie Goulding




(Intro)
I used to think that
you were just some kind of fairy tale
but now I see
that you are very very very real

(Verse 1)
I see the things you make
and the things you break
and I see power and strength
I see the lives you take
and the lives you save
and I see love and grace

(Chorus 1)
And I've fallen, fallen, fallen so short
I was living in the dead world
but then something happened to me
Felt your love and fell to my knees

(Verse 2)
I see the things you do
the mountains you move
and I am so amazed
Your creations are good
Your love is great
You can not be replaced

(Chorus 2)
And I've fallen, fallen, fallen for you
So I'll stand, I'll stand up for you
With all of my heart I love you
There is no love that's above you

(Verse 3)
I feel the love you give
see the treasures you hid
it brightens up my face
I hear the words you say
so I glorify your name
My voice shouts out in praise

(Chorus 3)
Lord, we've fallen, fallen, fallen for you
So we stand, we stand up for you
With all of our hearts, we love you
There is no love that's above you

(Verse 4)
I see the things you create
The universe, the snowflakes
You make no mistakes
You are so pure
You are so brave
You are everything

(Chorus 3)

(Verse 5)
Your love is all
That fills us up
You fill our cup and our plate
You're all we need
To stay sustained
It's only you we crave

(Chorus 3)

(Verse 6)
I once was lost
Now I am found
You helped me out of this maze
I once was dead
But now I'm alive
You saved me from the grave

(Chorus 3)

(Verse 7)
Every single day
To only you we pray
Your love fills this place
For my sins you paid
Lord, it's us you saved
Now we have a clean slate

(Chorus 3, repeat)

Breaking shit down.

I was reading the comments for the Gregory and the Hawk 'A Wish' lyrics on songmeanings.com, and some of the people are so stupid (or maybe I am just judgemental because I think I'm right about everything.) But I would like to talk about what I think the meaning of the lyrics are. Most of them are pretty forward, I believe, but some people need explanation. Also, how I relate to some of these lyrics, and have had experience in these areas.


I wish to feel smaller under your sheets.
I believe this is self explanatory. I want to feel smaller, skinnier, not so big, under your sheets. Don't all girls feel like that?

I wish for the whole truth every time you speak.
He probably sticks to the short answers. My ex used to do this. "Where were you at after work?" "A friends house / Robbie's house / Buying weed." But didn't mention that another girl was there, or that he went over to the other girls house after that.

I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me, while I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep...
Self explanatory. He obviously doesn't care that much. He shows up, has sex, smokes cigarettes, goes to sleep.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
Ignoring me the morning after
isn't enough
The third line explains the second. She told him how she feels about him, and he 'stuck it in his pocket' or acknowledged it, but disregarded it, ignored it, didn't really have a response.

and I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
I could be wrong, but I think it's obvious that this line talks about her cutting herself. This happens to lots of girls in their teen years. I dealt with it, along with a lot of my really close friends. Shit, I'm 21 years old and this happened to me just last month.

And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.
He's not going to stay. He's going to leave and break her heart. Whether or not he leaves, her heart is already breaking and it's going to be completely broken when she stops being in denial about him being an asshole. Going through something like this (being cheated on, not cared for, abused, etc.) makes it a lot harder to give your heart to the next person. It's hard to give your heart to someone if the least person's heart tore yours away.

And I wish to feel smaller under your hands,
though you seem satisfied as you slip mine
down your pants.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
While you lift up my shirt after asking politely.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I am or pretend to be
Cuz it's her you'll always love and it's her I'll always envy.
Self explanatory... She can try her best, pretend to be perfect, cater to him, etc, but it's her (an ex or another girl) he'll always love. She'll always envy her for having her man's love.

I want to end this now so dreams of you won't keep me up.
This one, I'm not sure about. I believe she is either talking about ending the relationship or ending her life. Possibly she's already having dreams about him that keep her up, and she thinks that ending the relationship would stop the dreams. Or ending her life (since I already think she's cutting herself) so that she won't have to worry about having any dreams anymore at all, considering the fact that ending the relationship doesn't always mean the dreams go away.

But I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

And it's hard to find
What I want
When it's buried beneath the biggest rock.
I could pay lots of money
To help lift it with machines
But I'm not sure you'd cooperate.
Not sure you'd come clean.
It seems like what she wants is his love, and the biggest rock is a huge obstacle, probably the other girl. She could 'pay lots of money' or put a lot of effort into proving that there is another girl, but she's not sure if he'd cooperate or come clean. I totally understand this. I had a ridiculous amount of proof that my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me, and stll to this day (two years later) he denies it. I 'lifted the biggest rock' but he still wouldn't cooperate or come clean.


And I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
Ignoring me the morning after isn't enough
and I swear I'm going to cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

Yeah, I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

Is gonna tear mine away.

dreaming of you.

I've been dreaming of you. These dreams are so real that I'm devastated when I wake up. I miss the comfort of knowing you were always there for me. I miss the comfort of our platonic relationship; close and intimate and never more. I miss that you loved all the songs I loved, and loved to sing them with me. I miss your nonsensical conversations that made me feel closer to God. It's a reservation to think that one day we'll ever be able to be close like that again and feel the euphoria of our neurotransmitters receiving mass amounts of dopamine. But the one thing I miss most about the life I had before was you. I once thought God sent you to me; once the devil, and I'm still not sure. But I know that to invite you back into my life would mean giving up everything I've gained. Sometimes I wonder if it would be worth it, knowing that it wouldn't.

jamais fini.

Why did you stumble? You should have never even tried to walk at all. Your legs aren't strong enough, your heart isn't strong enough, You know you're not strong enough. Why would you say that? Why did you do that? You're so fucking mean to yourself. But I can't help but love you. You're shaking and you're puking. It's not cute, but I love you. Even though every time you relapse, you just give up and you collapse. Honey, you're so free but you feel so trapped.

Oh yes, she, she feels like crap.

She loevs him so damn much, but not enough to loosen the grasp she's got on the bottle; she's got on the bottle; she's got on the bottle; fuck that... shit. She just wants another hit. She'll do anything for it. He wakes up and his foil is gone, along with his beer and his rum and his cash and his bong. We won't be young forever, girl. I won't forgive you forever, girl. I feel older everyday without you. Working 9-5, I'm a zombie, not alive without you. I come alive at night when I'm with you, I'm alright. You've got your drugs and cigs and booze, but my drug of choice is you.

We see things through four different eyes, but I never seem to see the half of it.
We ignore all the little white lies, while you're sitting there doing little white lines and making big black trails that lead down a dark and lonely road where no one cares, but so many go. Hold onto your lighter, because you're great at burning bridges and even better at building walls. Hold on tighter, because you don't know how to swim and you don't know how to climb. You're going to drown in your sorrow, you've got nowhere to go, no plans for tomorrow. You've given up, she can't seem to give it up. She's only been gone one week out of the year so far, but she's planning to leave for three or four more. She'll probably be gone longer, knowing her, I feel like I don't fucking know her. Even when you're here, you're gone, so far gone, because you're just a little girl, so fucking scared of everything, everything, absolutely fucking everything. You're out of control all the fucking time, but you tell me that you're mine, you promise that you're mine. You've got your keys, don't need your phone, you'd rather be alone. I put up with it because I'd rather not call you out on your shit. I'm not superman, you're a big girl, you say you've got your own big plans. Are they bigger than me? Are they better than me? Are they shiny and bright like your foil or dark and crusty like your trails and your nails? You've got something on your face, baby. Black on your cheek and white on your nose. A little puke on your clothes, and in your hair. Man, you're not all there, why do I even fucking care? It's never fair, I don't know why I'm still here. Am I still fucking here?

Baby, you're so worth it. You're so beautiful, but no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I can't change you. I won't chase you into the abyss. You want just one more, just one more kiss, one more hit. It's always just one more, you say that's it. You never stop at one, but I won't fund your escapades anymore. I'm done co-signing your bullshit. You dragged me so far down, you're so far gone, I bet it's hard to breathe with that bottle in your mouth. You're still smoking, though you're choking on the smoke from the bong. You're drowning, but it's too late to learn how to swim. You'll never learn, you'll never learn. You'll never win, you'll never win. It's too late. Quit coming back. I can't save you.