we used to be friends
we used to be young
we used to laugh
we used to have fun
we used to talk
we used to listen
now things have changed
now life is different
now we have resentments
now every time i look at you
i think that you hate me
i know it's not true
but those thoughts don't escape me
i know it's my own insecurities
i know it's just life
but i can't get over
how good it used to be
when we were young
and could laugh
and have fun
we didn't need drugs
to have a good time
we just needed eachother
and everything was fine.
damn, has life changed.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Poetry in Recovery!
I started writing poetry again! Here is what I've written so far.
on March 11th 2011
Obsession is my weapon of mass destruction.
I obsess to the point that I can't properly function.
I engross myself in that person, place or thing,
and try to take more than just what it's offering.
I'm hurting others, while just disappointing myself.
It's no good for my spiritual or mental health.
I'm working the steps, taking the steps,
so I can become less and less obsessed.
Even though, every day I see these defects,
every day I'm less stressed,
because I'm giving it to God,
giving him everything I've got,
the good and the bad,
the fresh and the rot,
my resentments and fears,
my heartaches and tears.
He's teaching me to listen.
So now I'll shut my mouth and open my ears.
March 12th 2011
I'm not perfect. I'm pretty insecure.
I don't know who I am, I'm really not sure.
I don't know who you see when your eyes stare at me.
I don't know what to do when I'm standing next to you.
I don't know what to say when you start walking my way.
I don't know where to go when you leave me all alone.
I don't know who I am, or what I like to do.
I wish I had a script and someone gave me all my cues.
Life wouldn't be so confusing if God would just tell me what to do.
I'm twenty years old, but I feel brand new,
but yet, not, because I'm used and abused, and I have a past.
I can look back and see an ugly view.
I've had plenty when I've said I'd only have a few.
I've left people high and dry without even bidding them a due.
But today's the day I see, and today's the day I choose. Today I will be clean.
Today I will not use.
March 21st 2011
You told me I found N(o) A(nswers) on my journey,
But I found the truth that set me free of my worries, fears, and impurities.
Truth that I'm N(ever) A(lone). Truth that I've found my home.
Truth that I'll N(ever) A(gain) have to use, be used, abuse, or be abused.
I'll N(ever) A(gain) have to lose everything.
The truth shall set you free.
You're not free to be the real you, because the real you, you don't even know or see.
I'm free to be the real me.
I'm free to see without cloudy vision, because I surrendered.
On a daily basis, you give in, so you can't see clearly.
you think you know what I'm going through, but you're not even near me.
You need to focus on you. I'm not even speaking to you. How can you hear me?
March 28th 2011
I can't always be strong. Sometimes I'm so weak.
I can't always be perfect. I can only be me.
When I'm hurt, I will cry. When I'm happy, I'll sing.
I don't care too much about what others think.
I don't know what I'm trying to find, because I've never had it before.
I want to go back to old familiar ways. I feel like I'm already there.
A few cigarettes later, and I feel the same despair.
I wish I could just pause time and stay in this moment forever.
By myself, yet I don't feel alone.
Watching a beautiful view that could soon be gone.
April 5th 2011
I once was addicted.
My heart, inflicted.
My mind, sick and twisted.
Living life, I resisted.
But then I was found.
In the dirt, on the ground.
I was hurt, I was bound
for death.
So I finally confessed.
I had no dreams, I had no goals.
It would seem I had no soul.
But then you told me you'd love me until I loved myself.
If I was hurting, you would help.
If my ass was burning, or on fire,
or I was in dire despair,
you would be there,
for me, because you care.
Life isn't fair,
but it's getting better.
I stay in the middle of the boat through all the stormy weather.
I can't do this alone, but we can do it together.
Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not forever.
But one day at a time,
and I know eventually with your help, I'll get it right.
on March 11th 2011
Obsession is my weapon of mass destruction.
I obsess to the point that I can't properly function.
I engross myself in that person, place or thing,
and try to take more than just what it's offering.
I'm hurting others, while just disappointing myself.
It's no good for my spiritual or mental health.
I'm working the steps, taking the steps,
so I can become less and less obsessed.
Even though, every day I see these defects,
every day I'm less stressed,
because I'm giving it to God,
giving him everything I've got,
the good and the bad,
the fresh and the rot,
my resentments and fears,
my heartaches and tears.
He's teaching me to listen.
So now I'll shut my mouth and open my ears.
March 12th 2011
I'm not perfect. I'm pretty insecure.
I don't know who I am, I'm really not sure.
I don't know who you see when your eyes stare at me.
I don't know what to do when I'm standing next to you.
I don't know what to say when you start walking my way.
I don't know where to go when you leave me all alone.
I don't know who I am, or what I like to do.
I wish I had a script and someone gave me all my cues.
Life wouldn't be so confusing if God would just tell me what to do.
I'm twenty years old, but I feel brand new,
but yet, not, because I'm used and abused, and I have a past.
I can look back and see an ugly view.
I've had plenty when I've said I'd only have a few.
I've left people high and dry without even bidding them a due.
But today's the day I see, and today's the day I choose. Today I will be clean.
Today I will not use.
March 21st 2011
You told me I found N(o) A(nswers) on my journey,
But I found the truth that set me free of my worries, fears, and impurities.
Truth that I'm N(ever) A(lone). Truth that I've found my home.
Truth that I'll N(ever) A(gain) have to use, be used, abuse, or be abused.
I'll N(ever) A(gain) have to lose everything.
The truth shall set you free.
You're not free to be the real you, because the real you, you don't even know or see.
I'm free to be the real me.
I'm free to see without cloudy vision, because I surrendered.
On a daily basis, you give in, so you can't see clearly.
you think you know what I'm going through, but you're not even near me.
You need to focus on you. I'm not even speaking to you. How can you hear me?
March 28th 2011
I can't always be strong. Sometimes I'm so weak.
I can't always be perfect. I can only be me.
When I'm hurt, I will cry. When I'm happy, I'll sing.
I don't care too much about what others think.
I don't know what I'm trying to find, because I've never had it before.
I want to go back to old familiar ways. I feel like I'm already there.
A few cigarettes later, and I feel the same despair.
I wish I could just pause time and stay in this moment forever.
By myself, yet I don't feel alone.
Watching a beautiful view that could soon be gone.
April 5th 2011
I once was addicted.
My heart, inflicted.
My mind, sick and twisted.
Living life, I resisted.
But then I was found.
In the dirt, on the ground.
I was hurt, I was bound
for death.
So I finally confessed.
I had no dreams, I had no goals.
It would seem I had no soul.
But then you told me you'd love me until I loved myself.
If I was hurting, you would help.
If my ass was burning, or on fire,
or I was in dire despair,
you would be there,
for me, because you care.
Life isn't fair,
but it's getting better.
I stay in the middle of the boat through all the stormy weather.
I can't do this alone, but we can do it together.
Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not forever.
But one day at a time,
and I know eventually with your help, I'll get it right.
Monday, April 4, 2011
I just want my mail...
I have been trying to get my mail from my old place for a while not, I don't exactly know how long, but at least a couple of weeks or so.
Conversation between Brett & I on Sunday April 3rd.
Me: I need to get my mail.
Brett: I have a notice from usps however they need to have it sent to a place where you can sign for it. It must be a package or something.
Me: Okay you can send it to _____ it's my Dad's address and he can sign for me.
Brett: I will try and have it forwarded. Also. I have removed you from the rental agreement and _____ signed a new one. However you still owe me for you portion of 2 months rent and utilities. Can you make payment. Court is such a waste of time, money, and fees
SIDENOTE: Yes, the court is a waste of time, money, and fees, and if he took me to court, which he will not, he would loose his property because of the activities going on on his property, and I wouldn't have to pay him any money, hence, the real reason why he doesn't want to take me to court.
Me: Okay we will work something out.
Brett: How is your road to recovery and the job hunt
Me: My recovery is going good I just started working and got into an oxford house and pretty soon here, idk exactly when, this program is going to pay my rent for 6 months which is awesome so I will be able to pay off some debt.
Brett: Small amounts work. I have BO on a payment plan to. I'm all about progress and helping people when they truly need it. I am glad you found good people 2 help
Conversation between CJ & I on Sunday April April 3rd, after the above conversation.
Me: Are you going to be home later, because I'd really like to pick up my mail.
CJ: not til like 9.
Me: Well thats perfect cuz I have a meeting til 8:30. I'll hit you up when I get out
CJ: okey dokey. sounds good.
CJ: apparently you cant come over. im sorry. if you want your mail. just tell me ur address and ill send it to you.....im gettin tired of all this bull shit.
Me: Wow. Yeah that is bullshit. Well when do you work at bbq next? I can pick it up from you there if you don't mind
CJ: dude its not me. you need to talk to BO. i dont owe shit after what you did. im now finding out how much debt were in....i
I didn't reply until the next day, Monday April 4th at 1:54pm.
Me: I understand it's not you. I tried calling BO but he didn't answer. I understand you don't owe me anything. I'm just trying to get my mail and if I can't get it there, I'd like to get it somehow. I talked with Brett a few days ago and he said we are going to work out a payment plan. So you guys shouldn't be in debt with Brett if I'm going to pay my part. Anyways so can you just put my mail back in the mailbox and put a note for the mailman saying I don't live there anymore and that I will pick it up at the post office or something? I'm not trying to have you do me any favors, I just want my mail.
CJ: its not just the rent. its the utilities as well. and we shouldnt even be in debt to begin with. where the fuck did our money go? Or the fact that you said you would pay which you didn't, or that you were gonna find a room mate to replace you. and what a shock, you didnt do that either. what the fuck else did you flake on and hide from us? im not doing shit. ive paid my debt to you, to brett instead. I dont want to be the middle man. ill leave a notefor the mail man but they need your new address to be able to forward it to you. if you want it then talk to BO and CD.
Me: Yeah I gave Brett my Dad's address for my mail but I guess he didn't give it to you. It's ____________________________. I'm not going to sit here and explain myself about all that stuff. The fact of the matter is that I didn't do any of it.
CJ: im not gonna go to your place. and i can atleast keep this address confidential. thats pretty much as much as ill do for you. like i said i dont care about giving you your mail but its not me. and they would know if one day your mail is all of the sudden gone. u know?
Me: I don't really understand what you're saying. Are you saying BO & CD don't want me to have my mail, period?
CJ: I didnt ask for an explination. frankly i dont give a shit. i just want to wash my hands of all this. The only reason why im actually not too mad is because why you left. to quit drugs. which i am proud of you for. but jesus fucking christ. you really fucked us over and i dont trust you at all. I never did shit to you. your just another prime example on why i hate the human race. im not suppose to say names....but im also getting tired of them. i cant blame you for leaving. but yes. apparently you have something of theirs? idk i just walked out on them. they were freaking out when i told them it was ok for you to come over. like i said,im sick of being the middle man.
Me: Yeah I'm sorry about that. I'm not tryna make you the middle man. There was and is a huge lack of communication between everyone including brett. Not sayin it's anyones fault, because it's not. But Brett said he was going to send me my mail and I guess he never did.
CJ: he has yet to get his own mail dude. i dont think he has a clue. in general.
Me: Yeah he's... Psh I don't even know. Anyways I'm sorry about all this and am still trying to get my shit together so I can take care of all this. Sorry.
CJ; Its what ever. life lesson i guess.
Conversation immediately after the above, between BO & me.
Me: Hey bro so is something going on with my mail? I was trying to come pick it up but CJ said I can't?
BO: Can u just give us an address and we can forward it to ya
Me: Hahah yeah it's my dad's address. It's ____________________________. I gave it to brett but I guess he never sent my mail.
BO: Oh really wow brett is dumb...
Me: Yeah I agree.
Conversation between Brett & I on Sunday April 3rd.
Me: I need to get my mail.
Brett: I have a notice from usps however they need to have it sent to a place where you can sign for it. It must be a package or something.
Me: Okay you can send it to _____ it's my Dad's address and he can sign for me.
Brett: I will try and have it forwarded. Also. I have removed you from the rental agreement and _____ signed a new one. However you still owe me for you portion of 2 months rent and utilities. Can you make payment. Court is such a waste of time, money, and fees
SIDENOTE: Yes, the court is a waste of time, money, and fees, and if he took me to court, which he will not, he would loose his property because of the activities going on on his property, and I wouldn't have to pay him any money, hence, the real reason why he doesn't want to take me to court.
Me: Okay we will work something out.
Brett: How is your road to recovery and the job hunt
Me: My recovery is going good I just started working and got into an oxford house and pretty soon here, idk exactly when, this program is going to pay my rent for 6 months which is awesome so I will be able to pay off some debt.
Brett: Small amounts work. I have BO on a payment plan to. I'm all about progress and helping people when they truly need it. I am glad you found good people 2 help
Conversation between CJ & I on Sunday April April 3rd, after the above conversation.
Me: Are you going to be home later, because I'd really like to pick up my mail.
CJ: not til like 9.
Me: Well thats perfect cuz I have a meeting til 8:30. I'll hit you up when I get out
CJ: okey dokey. sounds good.
CJ: apparently you cant come over. im sorry. if you want your mail. just tell me ur address and ill send it to you.....im gettin tired of all this bull shit.
Me: Wow. Yeah that is bullshit. Well when do you work at bbq next? I can pick it up from you there if you don't mind
CJ: dude its not me. you need to talk to BO. i dont owe shit after what you did. im now finding out how much debt were in....i
I didn't reply until the next day, Monday April 4th at 1:54pm.
Me: I understand it's not you. I tried calling BO but he didn't answer. I understand you don't owe me anything. I'm just trying to get my mail and if I can't get it there, I'd like to get it somehow. I talked with Brett a few days ago and he said we are going to work out a payment plan. So you guys shouldn't be in debt with Brett if I'm going to pay my part. Anyways so can you just put my mail back in the mailbox and put a note for the mailman saying I don't live there anymore and that I will pick it up at the post office or something? I'm not trying to have you do me any favors, I just want my mail.
CJ: its not just the rent. its the utilities as well. and we shouldnt even be in debt to begin with. where the fuck did our money go? Or the fact that you said you would pay which you didn't, or that you were gonna find a room mate to replace you. and what a shock, you didnt do that either. what the fuck else did you flake on and hide from us? im not doing shit. ive paid my debt to you, to brett instead. I dont want to be the middle man. ill leave a notefor the mail man but they need your new address to be able to forward it to you. if you want it then talk to BO and CD.
Me: Yeah I gave Brett my Dad's address for my mail but I guess he didn't give it to you. It's ____________________________. I'm not going to sit here and explain myself about all that stuff. The fact of the matter is that I didn't do any of it.
CJ: im not gonna go to your place. and i can atleast keep this address confidential. thats pretty much as much as ill do for you. like i said i dont care about giving you your mail but its not me. and they would know if one day your mail is all of the sudden gone. u know?
Me: I don't really understand what you're saying. Are you saying BO & CD don't want me to have my mail, period?
CJ: I didnt ask for an explination. frankly i dont give a shit. i just want to wash my hands of all this. The only reason why im actually not too mad is because why you left. to quit drugs. which i am proud of you for. but jesus fucking christ. you really fucked us over and i dont trust you at all. I never did shit to you. your just another prime example on why i hate the human race. im not suppose to say names....but im also getting tired of them. i cant blame you for leaving. but yes. apparently you have something of theirs? idk i just walked out on them. they were freaking out when i told them it was ok for you to come over. like i said,im sick of being the middle man.
Me: Yeah I'm sorry about that. I'm not tryna make you the middle man. There was and is a huge lack of communication between everyone including brett. Not sayin it's anyones fault, because it's not. But Brett said he was going to send me my mail and I guess he never did.
CJ: he has yet to get his own mail dude. i dont think he has a clue. in general.
Me: Yeah he's... Psh I don't even know. Anyways I'm sorry about all this and am still trying to get my shit together so I can take care of all this. Sorry.
CJ; Its what ever. life lesson i guess.
Conversation immediately after the above, between BO & me.
Me: Hey bro so is something going on with my mail? I was trying to come pick it up but CJ said I can't?
BO: Can u just give us an address and we can forward it to ya
Me: Hahah yeah it's my dad's address. It's ____________________________. I gave it to brett but I guess he never sent my mail.
BO: Oh really wow brett is dumb...
Me: Yeah I agree.
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