The change is on the inside.

This is a picture of me from December 12th 2009. I really don't think I look too different. I have a slightly different hair color, and I was probably about 10 or 15 pounds lighter, but that's about it for outward appearances. Two months before this picture was taken, I was about 143 pounds. After I left Robert, I quickly started to gain my weight back, since I felt more free to be me and eat what I wanted when I wanted, instead of starving myself for fear of what he might say or do. I actually have a picture from when I was in Arizona with him and you can tell I look a lot skinnier. In the picture I'm not wearing any makeup and I actually look like I'm about 15 years old, although I'm 19 in the picture. In this picture I'm probably about 160 or 165 pounds. I'm not exactly sure where I'm at now, but I'm pretty sure I'm about 183 - 187 pounds. My point is that I don't look so different on the outside, but I've changed a lot on the inside the past 3 years, and I'm loving this change. I still believe I look absolutely beautiful here, though, just like I do today.

newww place!

I just started moving my stuff into the compound today, and it only took one trip to get pretty much all my stuff here! The only things I still need to bring are some towels & about 3 or 4 loads of laundry, but I want to wash them before I bring them. I'm very excited! Everything else I just left at my Dad's house and I'll get rid of later. I got a coffee table at Goodwill today to put my laptop on and my speakers and all my books fit in this little cubby that is underneath the coffee table. All my clothes (except for the clothes that are still at my Dad's house) fit into the dresser that was already in here. I don't really need much else than that. All my bathroom stuff is either in the bathroom or on top of my dresser. I love it so far, although it's only been a few hours! I could still be in the honeymoon stage, hahah. There's a lot more day light in this room! There's two windows in this room versus the one that I had at my Dad's house, and my room is on the top floor so I can actually open the window without worrying about my neighbors starring at me. I like that a lot.

2am.

"It's 2am and I can't sleep, because of the fear and the pain and the caffeine."

An excerpt from a poem I wrote a few months ago that I can relate to right now.
Not so much the fear and the pain, but more like the racing mind that can't seem to calm itself, and probably the caffeine. I also tend to have my "throat problems" the worst during the night. I feel like I'm going through q-tip withdrawals more and more. I've googled things related to my q-tip addiction a lot but just tonight found this thread http://ask.metafilter.com/77113/How-can-I-detox-from-my-qtip-addiction it doesn't really help at all but it's nice to see people with the same problem as me.

So far I've gotten rid of my boombox that I traded for a digital camera. I sold my sewing machine for $50. I gave away a bunch of shoes. I'm going to try to get rid of whatever else I can. I got rid of it all on craigslist.

Well anywaaayss... things have been going good the past few days. I've been journaling again, mostly (except for tonight) going to sleep at a decent hour, practicing spiritual principles instead of just suppressing my defects, and even reading my bible! Interesting stuff going on in my life.

New.

I have decided that when I move into Shaun's house, I am not going to bring any of this unnecessary junk with me. I am starting to move in on the 15th, and will be done moving by the 30th, since I need to be out of my Dad's house by then. I am just going to bring my clothes, my books, my laptop and my record player. I think I am going to sell my desktop computer and my boombox. I just need to be rid of a lot. I am ready for a new phase of my life. I am ready to grow, to let go of the old and make room for the new. I went over my 6th step with my sponsor today, and I'm now realizing that I won't have room for the new me until I let the old me go.

Today is the day.

I'm (most likely) not going to the wedding today.
I physically do not feel good.
I believe that it's from not taking very good care of myself the past week or so.
I also called my sister & told her that I'm not going to come spend the night tonight.
Now I just have the one other obligation of feeding Rose's dog, which isn't that big of a deal.
My room is the biggest mess it's been in a long time, so I'm going to clean it.
I ALWAYS feel better when I have a clean room & bathroom.
I feel like I don't have to avoid everything, but can take anything on.
I'm still stressed out about this weekend, but trying to just focus on what is right in front of me instead of looking at tomorrow & Monday.

wtfff.

I am so fucking ridiculously stressed out right now.
I'm really spreading myself waaay too thin, especially for someone that doesn't have a car and depends on the bus system to get around.
I'm getting pretty much no fucking sleep at all.
Last night I slept for maybe 5 hours.
I'm most likely not going to a meeting tomorrow because I get in an extremely bad place when I don't get sleep, and I would much rather get adequate sleep and feel somewhat sane than be extremely insane in a meeting. That sounds a little crazy as I type it, but I know that it's the truth. Just because I'm in a meeting doesn't mean that I'm not going to use. There have been multiple times where I have been in a meeting, feeling fucking crazy, and then gone and immediately copped dope afterwards. Sometimes with months clean.
I'm very aware that I've been lacking in the self-care department & really need to get on that.
I'm over-committed right now.
I make plans without realizing the effect that these plans are going to have on me.
I have 3 "home groups" right now, one of which meets two nights a week, which makes a total of 4 nights a week that I'm obligated to be somewhere.
I work 3-4 days a week.
I take the bus everywhere.
I just really feel like I need rest. I sit on the computer before I go to sleep and try to figure out the buses that I'll need to take the next day, and this weekend I'm supposed to be house sitting for Tonya's girlfriend, and it's just fucking stressing me out.
I need to learn how to say no.
I need to learn how to take time for myself, a little bit of time every day, not just neglecting myself for a week or two at a time and then taking a whole day to myself.
Yes, sometimes I deserve a whole day to myself, but really I need to be maintaining my self-care a little bit every day, just like my sobriety and everything else in my life that is important to me.