Checking in.

Checking in because I want to check out.
That instant when you realize that you don't want to do anything productive, are too tired to do anything at all, don't want to go to bed, and realize that it's been like this for days.
This isn't a first for me.
I'm in a "mode" that I've been in before many times, and I don't like it.
I'm hoping that I can just persevere through this and make it to a more healthy place soon.
For now, I suppose all I can do is the next right indicated step, which would probably be to go to sleep, since I need to wake up in about 5 1/2 hours.
Long days, short nights, many hellos, many goodbyes.

A woman's worth.

A woman's worth is not about how expensive her clothes are. It's not about what college she went to. It's not about what she majored in. It's not about what she does for a living. It's not about how much money she makes a year. It's not about how big her wedding ring is. It's not about how blonde her hair is. It's not about what size jeans she wears, or the brand on those jeans. It's not about how fair, tan, or dark her skin is. It's not about whether she shaves, waxes, or goes au natural. A woman's worth is not about how white or straight her smile is. A woman's worth is about how big she smiles despite what it looks like. A woman's worth is about the size of her laugh. It's about how she spreads love, not spreads her legs. A woman's worth is about how much she loves herself, just as God made her. It's about how she respects herself, and those around her. A woman's worth is more than skin deep.

The outcome of my behavior.

Hello. So, I recently (almost a week ago) deactivated my facebook again. It seems like it's been a lifetime. I keep wanting to post stuff & then quickly remember that I made the decision to not do so. So I decided to start blogging again. Last night, I bought a couple things on etsy to make myself feel better. I was looking for a mariner's anchor crucifix, but I couldn't find the one that I wanted, so instead I bought these crucifix earrings & these anchor flats.





I'm excited to receive these in the mail . . . And move on in my steps. I need to call my sponsor. I didn't call my sponsor or go to a meeting yesterday. I slept in until 12:45pm and then went to my mom's house in Poulsbo for dinner with my family. It was... interesting. All I really did while there is eat and play plants vs. zombies.

A bottom in sobriety.

I don't know if it can really be considered a "bottom", since I'm still in extremely early recovery, but my life is definitely unmanageable due to me acting out, feeling extremely guilty, continuing to act out, feeling even more guilty, and then trying to distract myself from the way I feel by acting out more (online shopping). Staying up until 2, 3, 5, 7am. This is the kind of unmanageable, sick behavior that makes sobriety seem not worth it. I know that I need to read this 6th step so I can move on to the 7th and get a grasp on turning over these defects of character to my higher power; asking him to remove my shortcomings. I know that I won't be perfect after this happens, but I do believe it will be better. I just want to stop. I am so tired, mentally, spiritually and physically. I am yawning as I type this.

#YOLOL4G

So, this whole YOLO thing, at first I thought, well of course, that's how everyone should live their life. Then I realized that some people did not have the same out look on YOLO as I do. I thought of YOLO as, "You only live once. Live modestly. Live honestly. Live openly. Live willingly. Live lovingly. Live joyously." While some people thought of it as, "You only live once. Let's get drunk tonight. Let's yell YOLO out the car window as we drive by people. Let's continue to live a life full of pride, ego, selfishness, and hatred." I googled something along the lines of "Christianity and Yolo" and came across an article written by a Catholic, and I thought it was very well written. It talked about how those who believe in the resurrection could think about YOLO, and even had some suggested hashtags to use. My favorite was #YOLOL4G which translates to "You only live once, Live for God." Today I choose to live for God. I choose to be in His word, take it to heart, and act on it. To not just read His word, but to live His word. When I googled "#YOLOL4G" It said "Did you mean "YOLO 4G" and just had a bunch of T-Mobile plans. I think that #YOLOL4G is something that us Christians relate to. I just wanted to throw it out there.

Life is pretty awesome today. The day before I posted my last blog is my clean date now. June 24th 2012. That day I was blessed with a car to use for exactly a month. Because of that, I also went to an extreme amount of meetings that month, and was able to apply for jobs, interview for jobs, and start my new job on July 11th. I'm working at a coffee stand in Mountlake Terrace. My boss is really chill, and my co-workers are really chill, too. I love working there. I also started my 1st step out of the step-working guide on my 4th day clean. I'm scheduled to read my 4th step to my sponsor this coming Wednesday. I'm really excited. I put some stuff on there that I thought I would take to the grave. At the end of the month I'll have lived at my Dad's house for one year. That is the longest time I've lived in one place since I was 14. Right before my 14th birthday we moved into the condo and I lived there for 15 months. Since then I haven't lived anywhere for more than about 10 months. I don't know exactly where I'm moving to yet, but I have a few options. They are all just possibilities, and I am not sure 100% the details or how the potential "landlords" really feel about me possibly moving in. However,

Option 1) Move into Ellie's house in Lake City with her & Wesley. $500/mo.

Pros: Way closer to my sponsor, and my sponsors home group, which is at the Lake City Community Center, which there are also 4 other meetings that meet there. It's very close to buses. It's 1 bus from downtown, so it would be easier for me to go visit my family. I'd be living with awesome people who have good sobriety.

Cons: 3 buses from my job.

Option 2) Move into Julia's Mom's basement in Bothell with Julia, Jane & Ali. $250/mo.

Pros: Still close to the 522, which means only 1 bus from Lake City or Downtown. Only 2 buses from my work. I'd be living with Julia. Rent would be extremely cheap so I could save money for a car, and once I get a car, I could get a 2nd job and save money to move out. There is already a bed in the room.

Cons: If Julia relapsed, or if I got on Julia's nerves because we were spending too much time together or something along those lines.

Option 3) Move into Shaun's house with him, Jason and Jacob in Lynnwood. $400ish/mo.

Pros: I'd be living with some awesome guys, we'd have a bonfire thing in the backyard, I'd pretty much always have someone to hang out with, I could have people over, I could stay out late, etc.

Cons: The buses aren't that close. I'm not even sure if Shaun wants me to move in. I'm not even sure if the room will be available.

Option 4) Oxford House. $300-450/mo.

Pros: I'd be living with all sober people.

Cons: I'd be on blackout for at least one month. I'd have to abide by a bunch of stupid rules. I'd have to live with an ass load of women.

Most likely I am going to talk to Ellie and see if I could move in with her. I am going to talk with my sponsor and with my mother and see what they say. I like the first two options best. I'd love to live with Julia & Jane & Ali but at the same time, they are a family, and I feel like I'd be intruding somewhat. I already feel awkward enough around my own Dad... idk. Whatever happens, it will be new, and probably uncomfortable for a while. I am just going to talk about it and then talk to Ellie about it and see what's up. And if things don't work out with Ellie, then I'll talk to Jane about moving in with her. I want to move out by the end of September.