my dreams & my fears (literally)

A few days ago when I got home, there was a note on my door from the LDS Missionaries in my area, saying they had stopped by and to give them a call, which I did not do. Then, yesterday, my Baptism 'certificate' came in the mail along with some paperwork. So I got to figuring eventually they are probably going to stop by again, and one of these days, I will probably be here when they do, or someone from the church will get ahold of me somehow. So last night I tried doing some more research and gather more information on the LDS Church so that I know exactly what I do and do not want to say when I tell them that I want to be no longer a member of the church.

So last night, I had this dream. I was in a beautiful temple with a lot of other members from the church, including Winston, and some of my friends that are not LDS. I tried telling them that I no longer wanted to be apart of the church. They told me that if I wanted to leave, I had to go through Winston, since he was the one that brought me in. I didn't want to, I guess because I still liked Winston and didn't want him to know, or something. At some point, I was on a balcony or patio of some sort on the temple/church. There were a bunch of non-LDS people outside, but close, doing some sort of protest or something. I yelled something along the lines of, "The LDS Church believes that all people have the potential to become Gods. This is not true! There is only ONE TRUE GOD!!!" and everybody started yelling in agreement. Then I went inside the church. Finally Winston found me, and we sat down in a room, just the two of us. It was a strange room. It was kind of long, and there were no pews or chairs, but built-in bench type things in the wall. We sat at one, and Winston was wearing his white baptism outfit. I remember being comforted somehow, like he was holding my hand or something. I told him why I no longer wanted to be apart of the church, the things I had found out about it. Things that (unless you do research) most people don't know about the church, LDS or not. He cried for a minute, and I thought it was because I was leaving the church and probably never see him again. Then he told me that he couldn't believe what he was hearing, that these thigns were all a lie, etc. He told me that he wanted, basically, to leave the church, now, too. I was very surprised. That was the end of my dream.

I don't know exactly what this means, but I guess it was wishful dreaming. I guess I wish that I could leave the church in peace, without anyone being mad at me, and Winston would come with. But I wouldn't want his family to be mad, or to blame me for leaving the church. I guess that's what that dream was about. I haven't really talked to Winston. I sent him one e-mail when I first moved from Renton to Poulsbo, and he replied, but I never replied back. Then he replied again, a week or so later. I still haven't replied. I think because I don't want to disapoint him.

In other news, I am having a hard time lately doing things what used to be normal to me, or that should be normal, like simply talking to people, including my own friends and family. I guess it's some sort of fear of rejection or of people just not caring. I reached out to Shaunda last week, and that was the first time I have reached out to someone in a long time. We had a very nice talk. But since then, I haven't really been able to talk to anybody or to reach out. I don't really try to talk to anybody, and when people try to talk to me, I think of things to say, but almost never say them. I think that I will sound stupid, or like I'm trying too hard, or that the person just won't care. Today, I went to what is probably going to be my home group meeting, in Bremerton. After the meeting, after everyone else had left, I got in my truck. I didn't want to go home yet, and I didn't know what to do. I got out my schedule, but there wasn't another meeting until about 6pm, and it was in Port Orchard. I looked at my phone list for a minute, even entering in numbers, but couldn't get myself to press talk. I just kept playing the tape over and over again in my head.

Me: Hi, is this so-and-so?
So: Yes.
Me: Hi, this is Cassandra.
So: Oh, hi! What's up?
Me: Uhm, I don't know. I'm just sitting in my car.
So: Oh,... okay.
Me: Yeah, so, uhm, do you know about anything to do later?
So: Uhm, there's a meeting at 6 in Port Orchard.
Me: Oh, okay, thanks, bye.

I couldn't get myeslf to call anybody. So I just sat in the car for a while and started reading the small 'welcome to narcotics anonymous' book that someone gave me. I read all the intros all the way up until the beginning of the 2nd step. There are things in there that I can't admit to myself yet. I don't know if I'm an addict or not. I think I have underlying issues. I think it's my behaviors I need to change, and if I changed those, I wouldn't use drugs, etc. I also don't now if God can restore me to sanity. I believe that having a relationship with God is good, and he can help me, however, I don't know if he can restore me to sanity. Well, I'm sure he could if he wanted to, but that doesn't mean that he's going to. And it doesn't mean that I believe he's going to. So after I read until that point, I decided I was going to call someone. I stared at my phone list and entered in numbers for probably about 10 minutes or so, before I finally called the first person on my phone list, and the conversation went pretty much as above. Not wanting to give up and go home yet, I stared at my phone list and entered more numbers into my phone, not pressing talk. Finally a few minutes later, I called the one that, under her name and number, wrote 'call any time!' So I did. I didn't really know what to say at first, and at first the meeting went pretty much as above. But once I told her where I was and what was kind of going on in my head, she said she'd be there in 5 minutes. I think she was there in 2. We sat on the tailgate of her truck for probably about two hours just talking and bullshitting. Talking about using, recovery, time, parents, kids, art, hobbies, family, thirteen steppers, food, which meetings sucked, which meetings were awesome, boyfriends, relationships, all kinds of stuff. She is awesome. I was really glad she came out there to talk to me. After a very long time, we finally said our good-byes and went our seperate ways. I'm glad I called her.

Anyways, that was kind of off-topic, but that was the first time I've had a real conversation with anybody since I last talked to Shaunda. What I was going to tell you is that I have some fears talking to people, especially people that I love or want to love me. I have been wanting to talk to my brother for a very long time now. My brother's name is Travis, and he lives in Florida with his wife and 3 kids. His oldest daughter is about a year or two younger than me, and is starting college this month. He has not called me since I was probably about 10 or younger. I could be wrong on the age, so hey Travis, if you're reading this, I'm not trying to make it sound any worse than it is. Anyways, I added him on facebook (or he added me, I don't remember, but I doubt it.) a while back. He also has two sisters, Tammy and Tracey. I haven't talked to Tammy in a few years, but Tracey talks to me about once or twice a year. Anyways, the point is that I want to talk to Travis, because he is my brother, and my only brother, but I don't know what to say to him. I don't know if he's mad at me, or if he resents me, or if he just doesn't talk to me because I don't talk to him, or what. Maybe I just need to make that first move. Either way, he lives in Florida, so it's not like he's going to invite me over for Thanksgiving and Christmas either way. He stopped talking to our Dad a few years ago because our Dad got a sex change. I think that is a lot of the reason he doesn't talk to me, but I'm not sure. He has dis-owned our Dad, and I wonder if that also means he has dis-owned me. I'm not sure. I don't necessarily support my father's lifestyle, but I also don't NOT support it. He is the only father I ever had, except the short time that Gary was with us, so even though I am not very close with him, I don't want to dis-own him. Well, I don't really know what else to say. I want to talk to my brother but don't know how exactly to go about doing so in the 'right' way. I want to talk to a phsychiatrist about the problems that I'm having, these ones and the many more. Usually I try to figure stuff out on my own, but that is the main problem I'm having right now. I am having a really hard time communicating with people, and I am having a lot of problems and not knowing how to ask for help. So I am going to call the YMCA tomorrow because I know they have sliding-scale sessions there. I don't know if they can help me or not, but at least I will be taking a step in the right direction.