Confessions, amends, and forgiveness.

My baptismal interview is this Tuesday. I didn't think I would be this nervous for it. Until elder Jordan listed the questions, and there were a few that I knew weren't good answers, but they were honest answers. I just wonder what we are going to talk about after I answer these. Are there going to be some kind of consequences for my past mistakes? God will still forgive me even though I did those horrible things, right? Or are those things unforgiveable? Everyday i am learning more and more about how to forgive and accept myself and others. I can only hope that they can also forgive and accept me, the way that I am and the way I will become. I hope that someday not too far off, I can say sorry to the people that I hurt, and say "it's okay" to those that have hurt me. I am SO excited for my baptism this saturday, and so excited that I finally actually believe and understand what has been taught to me. I will always have some amount of doubt, as everyone does, and I will continue learning, as everyone does, and I will make mistakes, as everyone does, but I will also have faith in Jesus Christ my lord and savior, and I will continue to strive to live according to the word, without breaking commandments or wise words. I continue to go to church each week and read my bible everyday, but I have fallen out of the habit of praying everyday. One more thing to work on. 5 days and 17 1/2 hours!

:)

So. Things are ever changing. I believe it was India Arie that said, "The only thing constant in the world is change." Well, I have been making even more changes in my life. Many of them I won't speak of, but a few I will. I am getting baptized on July 3rd of this year! I am so excited! Elder Jordan will be baptizing me. Elder Guthrie is done with his mission this Sunday! Going back home to Arizona. I went to the LDS Church for the first time (since mountlake terrace) this Sunday. It was okay. And I went to relief society this Tuesday. So fun! All the gals in that church are awesome. I am excited to go back and continue going to that church. And so excited for my baptism! What else?...

I haven't been writing. I have been reading a lot, though. Right now I am almost done with "I'll Fly Away." It's a book of a lot of short stories written by ladies in York Prison. It is so inspiring. It is the second in the series which I didn't realize until I was already into the book, so after I'm done I'll read the first one. I highly recommend this book to anyone and everyone, no matter where you are in your life! I also have been reading my bible every day, and the book of mormon. All these books have been keeping me going every day.

Back to church, it was very funny to me that both Elder Jordan and several ladies at church asked me when I am going to be married. Well, maybe it is not obvious to them, but it seems obvious to me, the answer. When the love of my life proposes to me and we marry! Of course. It's not like I have a set date and things like that. I know who I want to marry, and when, but I could never tell him that or others, because how do I know that is really going to happen? We are not even dating yet. And I have much more patience now than I did in the past. I can wait until the time is right. I am only 20. I have like five or six years, hahahah :)

Well, as the days pass by, and the leaves change color, and I read and pray and praise my lord like no other, every day I am grateful, every day I am thankful, every day I am patient, I will wait. I will wait.

at work.

today is tuesday. it is a new day.

URL of this blog is romans1220.blogspot.com

I wanted it to be romans1210. It was taken. You should read Romans 12:10-18.

I so far have read James 1,2, &3. That's pretty much the only chapters in the bible I've read thuroughly so far. Everything else I've just read verses out of.

I have been trying to be more me lately. And not judging other people. It's kind of hard sometimes. I constantly feel like I have something that not everyone has. And then I see a lot of people that do have what I have. And it makes me really happy. But I have to remember that God created all men equal. We are just all different. We are all God's children.

"For if there come unto your assembly a man with a gold ring, in goodly apparel, and there come in also a poor man in vile raiment; And ye have respect to him that weareth the gay clothing, and say unto him, Sit thou here in a good place; and say to the poor, Stand thou there, or sit here under my footstool: Are ye not then partial in yourselves and are become judges of evil thoughts?"

James 2:2-4

Well anyways, I have a life to get back to. I should be using the bathroom. And driving home to shower and put away laundry. And then go do some good on this earth. And read my bible. Peace & Love - Cassandra Q

Some spoken word.

THESE ARE FROM JANUARY, FEBRUARY, MARCH, APRIL, AND BEGINNING OF MAY 2010. THEY ARE NOT IN ORDER AS WRITTEN.

Well it's morning now, it's light, no longer yesterday. Your smile is not here, but I'll still make the best of today. I'm excited and happy for what I have planned. But I can't share it with you like I want to. You're not my man. You're not my man. Oh, hah, did I open up a can of worms? Did that statement sting? Can you feel the burn? Well I didn't mean to hurt you. To hurt. I never meant to hurt you. To hurt. But you twisted and bent my words. We all make mistakes. It's fine. It's okay. We all fall down and have bad days. Sometimes we forget the right way. And all I can do is pray.



I do not remember conversations I've had once I've gone to bed. Don't know how I portrayed myself, don't know what I've said. I thought our conversation was a dream, and it was all in my head. But I checked, and you did in fact call. After I thought you no loner cared at all. Now, again, you act like you care. Yet your love, you do not share. So which road do I travel? The once where I work to keep us together? Or the one where everything we work for starts to unravel? I want our loves roots to be deep so it can grow strong. Don't want to be shallow, then we can't grow at all.



Show me how to love like you have loved me. You taught me how to love unconditionally. How to forgive and how to forget. How to live without sorrow, pain, and regret. You taught me that what I want isn't always what I get. But you provide what I need. You give me fruit by giving me a seed to plant and grow and nourish. Now my love for you will flourish. Because now I see just how great life can really be. When I'm in your presence, my lord, my king. You touch every ones heart with the words that you speak. You are strong, you are strong, when I am weak, when I am weak. When I am blind, you help me see. I could speak of your love for eternity.



I'm done stressing. I'm done confessing. When I never even did wrong. I'm done with pain. I'll turn it into a song. You seemed like a godly man. But we all make mistakes. Sometimes we're all fake. Maybe I'm just too real in expressing the way I feel. Too confident and quick, while you're more cryptic and slick. Maybe you were scared of something. Scared of love. Maybe because you're missing one thing. You're missing love. I wanted to give you love. Show you compassion. Until I saw you treat people in such a disrespectful fashion. I wanted to show you everything. Until you let me down. I feel no sting. I won't frown. I'll stay strong. And smile. And laugh. And sing my songs.



I am weak. He is strong. I messed up my life. He built this all. He lifts me up when I fall. I give it all to him. I give it all. When I think I can't do it anymore, he helps me stand tall. When I think I am done for sure, he helps me keep on. He helps me stay strong. He helps me be a better person. He helps all. He helps all that just believe in him and follows his ways. Listen to his word, to what he has to say. He will make everything right again. He will make it okay. Give him your praise, give him your praise.



Even when I was broken, I was broken, and you still played with me. Even when my heart was choking', I was choking', You weren't there for me. You pretended to be. You tried to fool me, you tried to fool me. And even after I was broken, you still played with me. I am not a toy, don't belong in your toy box. Please let me be free. I'd rather be lost, than with you. So hard to run away when I have no faith. No today, no tomorrow, no place to go. So hard to get away when we both focus on each others yesterdays. If only, if only, the woodpecker cries. But in the end the woodpecker dies. Doesn't he know that he can fly? Pecking wood all day. Spread your sings, fly away! If I had wings, I'd be flying. I'm out of tears, so no more crying. I already died, now I'm reviving, revive me.



You describe me as beautiful. I wouldn't know, I wouldn't know. I describe you as someone who comes and goes, comes and goes. They say everything was meant to be. Even you and me? No, not you and me. You and me could never be. I wouldn't know, I wouldn't know. You come and go as you please. With no excuses, no excuses. I stand here with open arms but once they become numb and fall to my sides, these arms are useless, I'm useless. I try not to focus too much on a false future. I try not to focus on made-up memories. Nothing left to focus on, so I'm out of focus. Focusing on nothing, or things I shouldn't be. Writing all these words that are reminders of you. You're the only person that I won't read them to. But I'll read them to the world to get them off my chest. Get them off my mind, trying to forget. Forget these made-up memories. Forget these things you said to me. Still waiting for you, still waiting for you. I won't wait forever, for us to be together.



You broke my heart and took the pieces with you. Our souls now so far apart. I miss you. I miss you. But now were so far apart. Just want to be with you. I wish I could remember everything I wanted to say. I wish I could convince myself that I'll be okay. I wish you had the strength to stay. But you didn't even have the courage to say that you were leaving. Didn't think you would leave me. You told me I'd be in your life for a long time. Didn't know that meant a month. Thought I was yours and you were mine. Didn't know you could be such a loser, a follower, a failure. You left me, you left me, you left me in the dark. Our souls two universes apart. What do I do. What do I do. I get sick to my stomach thinking what do I do without you. But sit with a fake plastic smile. And miss you. And miss you. I'm not perfect, I'm weak, too.



I still believe in love. I still believe in fairy tales. I want to be a bird, above. I want to be a fish, with scales. I want to love and be loved back. I want my love to never bail. I want my love to be forgiving. Never bringing up day old hate. Someone I'd never want to escape. Someone who help me be me. Help me shape myself. I want it to be right this time. I pray that it is fate. I want you in my life. I'm choosing you to be the great. Patience is a virtue, so for you, I will wait. I will have patience, but my love is never late. Chivalry is alive, it's just hard to find. But I found some in you, your love is kind. And you remind me of someone I hold high in my life. Someone I will always love. Someone I pine for.