Thursday, August 16, 2012
#YOLOL4G
So, this whole YOLO thing, at first I thought, well of course, that's how everyone should live their life. Then I realized that some people did not have the same out look on YOLO as I do. I thought of YOLO as, "You only live once. Live modestly. Live honestly. Live openly. Live willingly. Live lovingly. Live joyously." While some people thought of it as, "You only live once. Let's get drunk tonight. Let's yell YOLO out the car window as we drive by people. Let's continue to live a life full of pride, ego, selfishness, and hatred." I googled something along the lines of "Christianity and Yolo" and came across an article written by a Catholic, and I thought it was very well written. It talked about how those who believe in the resurrection could think about YOLO, and even had some suggested hashtags to use. My favorite was #YOLOL4G which translates to "You only live once, Live for God." Today I choose to live for God. I choose to be in His word, take it to heart, and act on it. To not just read His word, but to live His word. When I googled "#YOLOL4G" It said "Did you mean "YOLO 4G" and just had a bunch of T-Mobile plans. I think that #YOLOL4G is something that us Christians relate to. I just wanted to throw it out there.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Life is pretty awesome today. The day before I posted my last blog is my clean date now. June 24th 2012. That day I was blessed with a car to use for exactly a month. Because of that, I also went to an extreme amount of meetings that month, and was able to apply for jobs, interview for jobs, and start my new job on July 11th. I'm working at a coffee stand in Mountlake Terrace. My boss is really chill, and my co-workers are really chill, too. I love working there. I also started my 1st step out of the step-working guide on my 4th day clean. I'm scheduled to read my 4th step to my sponsor this coming Wednesday. I'm really excited. I put some stuff on there that I thought I would take to the grave. At the end of the month I'll have lived at my Dad's house for one year. That is the longest time I've lived in one place since I was 14. Right before my 14th birthday we moved into the condo and I lived there for 15 months. Since then I haven't lived anywhere for more than about 10 months. I don't know exactly where I'm moving to yet, but I have a few options. They are all just possibilities, and I am not sure 100% the details or how the potential "landlords" really feel about me possibly moving in. However,
Option 1) Move into Ellie's house in Lake City with her & Wesley. $500/mo.
Pros: Way closer to my sponsor, and my sponsors home group, which is at the Lake City Community Center, which there are also 4 other meetings that meet there. It's very close to buses. It's 1 bus from downtown, so it would be easier for me to go visit my family. I'd be living with awesome people who have good sobriety.
Cons: 3 buses from my job.
Option 2) Move into Julia's Mom's basement in Bothell with Julia, Jane & Ali. $250/mo.
Pros: Still close to the 522, which means only 1 bus from Lake City or Downtown. Only 2 buses from my work. I'd be living with Julia. Rent would be extremely cheap so I could save money for a car, and once I get a car, I could get a 2nd job and save money to move out. There is already a bed in the room.
Cons: If Julia relapsed, or if I got on Julia's nerves because we were spending too much time together or something along those lines.
Option 3) Move into Shaun's house with him, Jason and Jacob in Lynnwood. $400ish/mo.
Pros: I'd be living with some awesome guys, we'd have a bonfire thing in the backyard, I'd pretty much always have someone to hang out with, I could have people over, I could stay out late, etc.
Cons: The buses aren't that close. I'm not even sure if Shaun wants me to move in. I'm not even sure if the room will be available.
Option 4) Oxford House. $300-450/mo.
Pros: I'd be living with all sober people.
Cons: I'd be on blackout for at least one month. I'd have to abide by a bunch of stupid rules. I'd have to live with an ass load of women.
Most likely I am going to talk to Ellie and see if I could move in with her. I am going to talk with my sponsor and with my mother and see what they say. I like the first two options best. I'd love to live with Julia & Jane & Ali but at the same time, they are a family, and I feel like I'd be intruding somewhat. I already feel awkward enough around my own Dad... idk. Whatever happens, it will be new, and probably uncomfortable for a while. I am just going to talk about it and then talk to Ellie about it and see what's up. And if things don't work out with Ellie, then I'll talk to Jane about moving in with her. I want to move out by the end of September.
Option 1) Move into Ellie's house in Lake City with her & Wesley. $500/mo.
Pros: Way closer to my sponsor, and my sponsors home group, which is at the Lake City Community Center, which there are also 4 other meetings that meet there. It's very close to buses. It's 1 bus from downtown, so it would be easier for me to go visit my family. I'd be living with awesome people who have good sobriety.
Cons: 3 buses from my job.
Option 2) Move into Julia's Mom's basement in Bothell with Julia, Jane & Ali. $250/mo.
Pros: Still close to the 522, which means only 1 bus from Lake City or Downtown. Only 2 buses from my work. I'd be living with Julia. Rent would be extremely cheap so I could save money for a car, and once I get a car, I could get a 2nd job and save money to move out. There is already a bed in the room.
Cons: If Julia relapsed, or if I got on Julia's nerves because we were spending too much time together or something along those lines.
Option 3) Move into Shaun's house with him, Jason and Jacob in Lynnwood. $400ish/mo.
Pros: I'd be living with some awesome guys, we'd have a bonfire thing in the backyard, I'd pretty much always have someone to hang out with, I could have people over, I could stay out late, etc.
Cons: The buses aren't that close. I'm not even sure if Shaun wants me to move in. I'm not even sure if the room will be available.
Option 4) Oxford House. $300-450/mo.
Pros: I'd be living with all sober people.
Cons: I'd be on blackout for at least one month. I'd have to abide by a bunch of stupid rules. I'd have to live with an ass load of women.
Most likely I am going to talk to Ellie and see if I could move in with her. I am going to talk with my sponsor and with my mother and see what they say. I like the first two options best. I'd love to live with Julia & Jane & Ali but at the same time, they are a family, and I feel like I'd be intruding somewhat. I already feel awkward enough around my own Dad... idk. Whatever happens, it will be new, and probably uncomfortable for a while. I am just going to talk about it and then talk to Ellie about it and see what's up. And if things don't work out with Ellie, then I'll talk to Jane about moving in with her. I want to move out by the end of September.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Life is so interesting.
The ebbs and flows of life; the people in it; the scenery around me and in my head changes so often.
The last time I wrote a blog was November? Things have changed. Mentally, physically, and spiritually.
I used a drug on the 12th of this month, and have been drinking since then. I easily fell back into old behavior, actually before I even relapsed. It's strange how one event leads to another, and another, and another, and before you know it you're here and wondering how it happened. It doesn't always end unfortunately, actually, it never ends. Life just keeps going, until, well, I don't know what happens in the future.
On the 14th I was at my house, bored, talking to guys online. A guy from Redmond, I think, was going to pick me up and we were going to go over to his house and smoke. Peter called me and asked me what I was doing, so I told him. He didn't agree with this, and told me that he was going to come pick me up. I told this man from Redmond that my Dad was on his way home so I couldn't go anywhere. Peter picked me up, and we went to wal-mart and did a little browsing, a little purchasing, but it didn't kill much time. We ended up going to the AFK Tavern in Everett, because it was either that or Tailgators, which I've never been to before. I went to AFK once last year with Cameron and his friends.
When we got to AFK, Peter asked me if I was going to drink. I wasn't planning on it, but since he apparently didn't mind too much, I decided to. There was a cute, young looking man there, so I talked to him a little bit. I drank half my drink, gave this young man my number, and left.
I got a text later that night, maybe the next day. This young mans name was Christian. He seemed a bit off after texting for a while, and meeting up for drinks again by my house. I felt like I was getting mixed signals - although he said I was the one sending mixed signals. We continued to text and joke around and make fun of each other, but I felt like I had to chase him a little too much.
On Saturday, he invited me over, so I headed on over to his house to drink and hang out. His roommate - Scott - was there. Scott looks just like my ex-boyfriend who is in the navy, Ryan. Not identical, but extremely similar. They could be brothers. When he makes certain faces, he does look identical to Ryan. So we all drank some absinthe, which was a first for me. We smoked some hookah, drank a bunch of other drinks, and then people started coming over. It was quite a fun night. Drinks, hookah, catchphrase, other games. It was my first time since I turned 21 that I felt I was drinking in a "normal" drinking atmosphere for people my age. Everyone was very nice. One girl wanted me to add her on facebook, so I did. She was very nice. I hope to hang out with these people again.
At one point in the night, I went to the bathroom and got sick. That was pretty embarrassing, but I could tell that everyone else was too drunk / loud that they didn't notice. I was in the bathroom, and I'm pretty discreet. As the night came to an end, about 3am or so, Scott and I sat on the couch, and Christian sat in the chair, and we watched some netflix for a while. Scott fell asleep on the couch, and Christian and I went to his bedroom to sleep.
Christian was being extremely strange. I almost don't even want to talk about what happened. But basically I was getting extremely mixed signals from him. We didn't kiss, we didn't have sex. I ended up getting up a few more times to go to the bathroom and puke, and finally at one point decided to not go back to his room as to not disturb him. I went and sat on the couch next to Scott, who was coming in and out of sleep.
At this point is was about 6am and I decided that I wanted to go home, I was sick and tired. I texted Peter, "Will you please come pick me up? I'm in Everett. I'm done drinking. I'm done lying to people. Today is going to be my clean date. I really don't want to be where I am right now. I'm sorry for putting you through these past couple weeks."
Once Scott woke up again, I asked him if he wanted to go out to Patty's Eggnest in a little bit. He said yes, but said that Christian probably won't want to go; he will probably want to sleep in. I said that was okay with me. So I texted Peter and told him that I found a ride home.
Shortly after this, Scott gave me his pillow and blanket and he went to his bedroom. Shortly after that, he told me that he can't sleep, so I can go sleep in his bed if I wanted to. I tried to. Obviously, it was already light out, and I am an insomniac, so I couldn't go back to sleep either. I got the rest of my clothes and things out of Christian's bedroom, got dressed, and asked Scott if he was ready to go to Patty's Eggnest.
Scott was extremely gentleman like. He made bits of conversation, opened doors for me, and even paid for my food, although I offered to pay. While we were there he also decided that he wanted to add me on facebook. By the time he dropped me off at my house, I had decided that shifting my focus from Christian to Scott wouldn't be considered homie hopping, since:
1) Christian and Scott are not homies. And
2) Christian and I never kissed or had sex.
After being up for a few hours, Scott messaged me his number and told me that we should hang out later this week. My head is already in obsessive mode, although I'm trying to not let it. That's one thing that's hard for me to control. To be completely honest, and I damn sure hope that he doesn't read this, (but if he does, I guess he's just as obsessive as me?) I already googled him and looked at his entire myspace. Well, all the photos and all the blogs, which to me, is everything important.
I am already just future tripping so much, which is equal to giving my hopes up. I don't want to do that, I just see something that I want and I want it and . . . yeah. Once I think of what I'm actually doing, it sounds so ridiculous. I want to write things like, "I really like this guy." But with my chances, he probably does not see me the same way, at least not yet. I'm pretty sure that he is just a legitimately nice guy who has great manners and was raised well. However, when I get treated like this by a man, I automatically think, "He must want to get in my pants." "He must want me to be his girlfriend." Etcetera.
But who knows. I can obsess as much as I want to, but it won't do me any good. It will just pass the time and give my hopes up. So let's just take the next indicated step, instead of thinking about this mountain in front of me.
The funny thing about this blog is that I didn't plan to write any of that. I wanted to write some type of thing explaining why I totally "understand him" and I can totally "be that person to fill that void" and a bunch of other stupid bullshit, after reading his blogs. I did enjoy reading his blog, though. It's nice to see that I'm not the only one that felt / feels that way sometimes. Like I told Lucy - Normies aren't normal. They're just like us. They just cope differently.
The last time I wrote a blog was November? Things have changed. Mentally, physically, and spiritually.
I used a drug on the 12th of this month, and have been drinking since then. I easily fell back into old behavior, actually before I even relapsed. It's strange how one event leads to another, and another, and another, and before you know it you're here and wondering how it happened. It doesn't always end unfortunately, actually, it never ends. Life just keeps going, until, well, I don't know what happens in the future.
On the 14th I was at my house, bored, talking to guys online. A guy from Redmond, I think, was going to pick me up and we were going to go over to his house and smoke. Peter called me and asked me what I was doing, so I told him. He didn't agree with this, and told me that he was going to come pick me up. I told this man from Redmond that my Dad was on his way home so I couldn't go anywhere. Peter picked me up, and we went to wal-mart and did a little browsing, a little purchasing, but it didn't kill much time. We ended up going to the AFK Tavern in Everett, because it was either that or Tailgators, which I've never been to before. I went to AFK once last year with Cameron and his friends.
When we got to AFK, Peter asked me if I was going to drink. I wasn't planning on it, but since he apparently didn't mind too much, I decided to. There was a cute, young looking man there, so I talked to him a little bit. I drank half my drink, gave this young man my number, and left.
I got a text later that night, maybe the next day. This young mans name was Christian. He seemed a bit off after texting for a while, and meeting up for drinks again by my house. I felt like I was getting mixed signals - although he said I was the one sending mixed signals. We continued to text and joke around and make fun of each other, but I felt like I had to chase him a little too much.
On Saturday, he invited me over, so I headed on over to his house to drink and hang out. His roommate - Scott - was there. Scott looks just like my ex-boyfriend who is in the navy, Ryan. Not identical, but extremely similar. They could be brothers. When he makes certain faces, he does look identical to Ryan. So we all drank some absinthe, which was a first for me. We smoked some hookah, drank a bunch of other drinks, and then people started coming over. It was quite a fun night. Drinks, hookah, catchphrase, other games. It was my first time since I turned 21 that I felt I was drinking in a "normal" drinking atmosphere for people my age. Everyone was very nice. One girl wanted me to add her on facebook, so I did. She was very nice. I hope to hang out with these people again.
At one point in the night, I went to the bathroom and got sick. That was pretty embarrassing, but I could tell that everyone else was too drunk / loud that they didn't notice. I was in the bathroom, and I'm pretty discreet. As the night came to an end, about 3am or so, Scott and I sat on the couch, and Christian sat in the chair, and we watched some netflix for a while. Scott fell asleep on the couch, and Christian and I went to his bedroom to sleep.
Christian was being extremely strange. I almost don't even want to talk about what happened. But basically I was getting extremely mixed signals from him. We didn't kiss, we didn't have sex. I ended up getting up a few more times to go to the bathroom and puke, and finally at one point decided to not go back to his room as to not disturb him. I went and sat on the couch next to Scott, who was coming in and out of sleep.
At this point is was about 6am and I decided that I wanted to go home, I was sick and tired. I texted Peter, "Will you please come pick me up? I'm in Everett. I'm done drinking. I'm done lying to people. Today is going to be my clean date. I really don't want to be where I am right now. I'm sorry for putting you through these past couple weeks."
Once Scott woke up again, I asked him if he wanted to go out to Patty's Eggnest in a little bit. He said yes, but said that Christian probably won't want to go; he will probably want to sleep in. I said that was okay with me. So I texted Peter and told him that I found a ride home.
Shortly after this, Scott gave me his pillow and blanket and he went to his bedroom. Shortly after that, he told me that he can't sleep, so I can go sleep in his bed if I wanted to. I tried to. Obviously, it was already light out, and I am an insomniac, so I couldn't go back to sleep either. I got the rest of my clothes and things out of Christian's bedroom, got dressed, and asked Scott if he was ready to go to Patty's Eggnest.
Scott was extremely gentleman like. He made bits of conversation, opened doors for me, and even paid for my food, although I offered to pay. While we were there he also decided that he wanted to add me on facebook. By the time he dropped me off at my house, I had decided that shifting my focus from Christian to Scott wouldn't be considered homie hopping, since:
1) Christian and Scott are not homies. And
2) Christian and I never kissed or had sex.
After being up for a few hours, Scott messaged me his number and told me that we should hang out later this week. My head is already in obsessive mode, although I'm trying to not let it. That's one thing that's hard for me to control. To be completely honest, and I damn sure hope that he doesn't read this, (but if he does, I guess he's just as obsessive as me?) I already googled him and looked at his entire myspace. Well, all the photos and all the blogs, which to me, is everything important.
I am already just future tripping so much, which is equal to giving my hopes up. I don't want to do that, I just see something that I want and I want it and . . . yeah. Once I think of what I'm actually doing, it sounds so ridiculous. I want to write things like, "I really like this guy." But with my chances, he probably does not see me the same way, at least not yet. I'm pretty sure that he is just a legitimately nice guy who has great manners and was raised well. However, when I get treated like this by a man, I automatically think, "He must want to get in my pants." "He must want me to be his girlfriend." Etcetera.
But who knows. I can obsess as much as I want to, but it won't do me any good. It will just pass the time and give my hopes up. So let's just take the next indicated step, instead of thinking about this mountain in front of me.
The funny thing about this blog is that I didn't plan to write any of that. I wanted to write some type of thing explaining why I totally "understand him" and I can totally "be that person to fill that void" and a bunch of other stupid bullshit, after reading his blogs. I did enjoy reading his blog, though. It's nice to see that I'm not the only one that felt / feels that way sometimes. Like I told Lucy - Normies aren't normal. They're just like us. They just cope differently.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Sleep Deprivatioin.
Well, well, well. Look whose staying up until 5am... or later. Wednesday night I stayed up until past 7am playing PVZ. My Co-Worker gave me a copy of it. I haven't played it since I was living in my Oxford House before my computer crashed again. Tonight after I got home from a midnight meeting and hanging out, I uploaded another video onto my youtube account and played PVZ... and now I'm pretty much just doing anything to avoid going to sleep. The things I've been doing are obviously not important, anyways, since I don't even remember what I was doing 2 minutes ago on the computer. Just random stuff that doesn't matter... I wish I could remember, though...
Oh, yeah, I was reviewing businesses on google... strange.
This is what happens when I want to avoid doing things... including sleeping.
I stay up all night on the computer doing things that aren't important.
Instead of getting ADEQUATE SLEEP or doing stepwork or anything that would actually be BENEFICIAL to me.
Is that procrastination or a death wish?
It could be a little of both.
I should probably go to sleep.
Oh, yeah, I was reviewing businesses on google... strange.
This is what happens when I want to avoid doing things... including sleeping.
I stay up all night on the computer doing things that aren't important.
Instead of getting ADEQUATE SLEEP or doing stepwork or anything that would actually be BENEFICIAL to me.
Is that procrastination or a death wish?
It could be a little of both.
I should probably go to sleep.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Yayyy!!!
I'm sure my words will not give this justice, (especially since it is 3:19am and I'm just about brain dead) but I will try to describe what's up.
I have been really struggling to share my feelings, secrets, etc, with people. This morning I finally went to see my mental health psychotherapist to do paperwork, and I already feel so comfortable with her. We are going to start psychotherapy next week and do it once a week for now. I am so excited to start psychotherapy. I already feel more comfortable telling my secrets.
Tonight a very close friend of mine that I went to treatment with came over and we had an 'AANA' meeting. We read literature from both the Big Book and the Basic Text. It was awesome. I really opened up, and even though it was 'just' my friend, it was still just this amazing share, both times that her and I shared. Since it was so good, we decided that next Saturday we are each going to invite two girls to come join us!
After my friend went home, I stayed up for almost two more hours writing a "pre-amble" or whatever the thing is called that the secretary reads. SOO anyways... besides that, I got paid on Friday and paid Wells Fargo back all the money that I owed them, went clothes shopping, bought make-up, tithed and contributed money to my homegroup, and I still have money left over! I'm very excited about that.
I have been really struggling to share my feelings, secrets, etc, with people. This morning I finally went to see my mental health psychotherapist to do paperwork, and I already feel so comfortable with her. We are going to start psychotherapy next week and do it once a week for now. I am so excited to start psychotherapy. I already feel more comfortable telling my secrets.
Tonight a very close friend of mine that I went to treatment with came over and we had an 'AANA' meeting. We read literature from both the Big Book and the Basic Text. It was awesome. I really opened up, and even though it was 'just' my friend, it was still just this amazing share, both times that her and I shared. Since it was so good, we decided that next Saturday we are each going to invite two girls to come join us!
After my friend went home, I stayed up for almost two more hours writing a "pre-amble" or whatever the thing is called that the secretary reads. SOO anyways... besides that, I got paid on Friday and paid Wells Fargo back all the money that I owed them, went clothes shopping, bought make-up, tithed and contributed money to my homegroup, and I still have money left over! I'm very excited about that.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
recovery spit (updated 11-15-11)
Sung to the tune of Gucci Gucci
Gucci Gucci Louie Louie Fendi Fendi Prada
Basic bitches wear that shit / so I don’t even bother
Girl you think you’re lookin’ cute / You’re man, he thinks I’m hotter
You dress yourself up to look nice / But I don’t even gotta
You might have material shit / But I gotta lotta
Love, acceptance, happiness / and you got zero, nada
I’m already heating up / Please go get me some water
You be shoppin’ at the mall / Girl, I make my own shit
You look like the rest of ‘em all / I got a unique fit
Like Charlie Sheen, I’m Winning / Girl, You need to just quit
I’ma stand up nice & tall / maybe you should just sit
Down before you trip & fall / Blood everywhere cuz you just split
Your head open / I’m not hopin / I’m just knowin / I’m not playin
I’m just sayin’ / I’m a prophet / I’m that hot shit / I’m not jokin
I’m not blowin / Smoke up ya ass / I don’t do that
I do that out the window / Just kidding / HAHAHA
I don’t smoke that indo / Used to though / Spent all my dough
Hustle all day / Yeah I was a ho / Fucked Billy, Bob / Sam & Joe
It’s not like I’m proud / You know / Usually keep it / On the down low
Not everybody Needs to know / I made bank but / Was still po`
Spent money on drugs / just said SO / Did my 1st step and
I was like WHOAH / Never realized / Did not know
Life was not manageable / Cuz of E and alcohol
and that H and all that dro / But it’s all good / I’m clean now yo
I’m very aware / Of the power of prayer / I asked for God’s help
Though I thought he wasn’t there / I was so alone / I was so scared
I didn’t know God loved me / I didn’t know he cared
This is what I did before I knew he was there
I used to blaze / Lookin all glazed
But then my life started getting all gray / It stopped bein good
It stopped bein great / Saw that dragon / I started to chase
Man I’d be / fucked up for days / No it was not / just a faze
My life was / a fucking waste / started to love / that bitter taste
But then I started to hate / it / so I quit / and that was the end of it
Now I don’t smoke even a little bit / Well except for cigarettes
but those do not get me lit / Now I’m on that recovery tip
I no longer take those hits / I admit / I was powerless
down to my last hour shit / Drugs yeah I devoured them
But then they devoured me / They did not empower me
I was just a coward, see / I would not face my feelings
But now my heart is healing / With this life I am dealing
Now my life has much meaning / Now God is all that I need
Starve my fear / It’s faith I feed / Oh boy did I really need
Some clarification / In that situation
Cause my body, mind, soul, and heart were breaking / I was miserable
Day out and day in / I was dead / Now I’m awakened
Now I got hope / Now I got faith / Now I got friends that ain’t so fake
Stick with the winners / Like they say
Now I’m not always getting all blazed / All messed up and in a haze
7 15 is my clean date / I’ll get some time if I just wait / Is this destiny
Is this fate / I don’t know what that shit is / But if I’m loving
Don’t show no hate / I know whose will I’m in / It’s his
God’s will isn’t just for me / I know it’s for all of us
But not everyone stays clean / Some of us get off this bus
Instead of recovery / It’s the drugs that they trust
Or their heart was just not touched / Or they didn’t have enough
Maybe they just were not done / They went for another run
Thought this time it would be fun / But that shit is fucking dumb
Now they are just fucking numb / They are lost / So far, I’ve won
But it’s all good / It’s okay / I’ma talk to God and pray / For you
Won’t say boo hoo / Won’t say poor you / Just support you
When you crawl back / When you fall back / When you call back / When you come back
When you run back / And you’re done with your sack
Gucci Gucci Louie Louie Fendi Fendi Prada
Basic bitches wear that shit / so I don’t even bother
Girl you think you’re lookin’ cute / You’re man, he thinks I’m hotter
You dress yourself up to look nice / But I don’t even gotta
You might have material shit / But I gotta lotta
Love, acceptance, happiness / and you got zero, nada
I’m already heating up / Please go get me some water
You be shoppin’ at the mall / Girl, I make my own shit
You look like the rest of ‘em all / I got a unique fit
Like Charlie Sheen, I’m Winning / Girl, You need to just quit
I’ma stand up nice & tall / maybe you should just sit
Down before you trip & fall / Blood everywhere cuz you just split
Your head open / I’m not hopin / I’m just knowin / I’m not playin
I’m just sayin’ / I’m a prophet / I’m that hot shit / I’m not jokin
I’m not blowin / Smoke up ya ass / I don’t do that
I do that out the window / Just kidding / HAHAHA
I don’t smoke that indo / Used to though / Spent all my dough
Hustle all day / Yeah I was a ho / Fucked Billy, Bob / Sam & Joe
It’s not like I’m proud / You know / Usually keep it / On the down low
Not everybody Needs to know / I made bank but / Was still po`
Spent money on drugs / just said SO / Did my 1st step and
I was like WHOAH / Never realized / Did not know
Life was not manageable / Cuz of E and alcohol
and that H and all that dro / But it’s all good / I’m clean now yo
I’m very aware / Of the power of prayer / I asked for God’s help
Though I thought he wasn’t there / I was so alone / I was so scared
I didn’t know God loved me / I didn’t know he cared
This is what I did before I knew he was there
I used to blaze / Lookin all glazed
But then my life started getting all gray / It stopped bein good
It stopped bein great / Saw that dragon / I started to chase
Man I’d be / fucked up for days / No it was not / just a faze
My life was / a fucking waste / started to love / that bitter taste
But then I started to hate / it / so I quit / and that was the end of it
Now I don’t smoke even a little bit / Well except for cigarettes
but those do not get me lit / Now I’m on that recovery tip
I no longer take those hits / I admit / I was powerless
down to my last hour shit / Drugs yeah I devoured them
But then they devoured me / They did not empower me
I was just a coward, see / I would not face my feelings
But now my heart is healing / With this life I am dealing
Now my life has much meaning / Now God is all that I need
Starve my fear / It’s faith I feed / Oh boy did I really need
Some clarification / In that situation
Cause my body, mind, soul, and heart were breaking / I was miserable
Day out and day in / I was dead / Now I’m awakened
Now I got hope / Now I got faith / Now I got friends that ain’t so fake
Stick with the winners / Like they say
Now I’m not always getting all blazed / All messed up and in a haze
7 15 is my clean date / I’ll get some time if I just wait / Is this destiny
Is this fate / I don’t know what that shit is / But if I’m loving
Don’t show no hate / I know whose will I’m in / It’s his
God’s will isn’t just for me / I know it’s for all of us
But not everyone stays clean / Some of us get off this bus
Instead of recovery / It’s the drugs that they trust
Or their heart was just not touched / Or they didn’t have enough
Maybe they just were not done / They went for another run
Thought this time it would be fun / But that shit is fucking dumb
Now they are just fucking numb / They are lost / So far, I’ve won
But it’s all good / It’s okay / I’ma talk to God and pray / For you
Won’t say boo hoo / Won’t say poor you / Just support you
When you crawl back / When you fall back / When you call back / When you come back
When you run back / And you’re done with your sack
Fairy Tale
I finished my 2nd step, watched this video
and somehow came up with this song, which is to be sung to the tune Lights by Ellie Goulding
(Intro)
I used to think that
you were just some kind of fairy tale
but now I see
that you are very very very real
(Verse 1)
I see the things you make
and the things you break
and I see power and strength
I see the lives you take
and the lives you save
and I see love and grace
(Chorus 1)
And I've fallen, fallen, fallen so short
I was living in the dead world
but then something happened to me
Felt your love and fell to my knees
(Verse 2)
I see the things you do
the mountains you move
and I am so amazed
Your creations are good
Your love is great
You can not be replaced
(Chorus 2)
And I've fallen, fallen, fallen for you
So I'll stand, I'll stand up for you
With all of my heart I love you
There is no love that's above you
(Verse 3)
I feel the love you give
see the treasures you hid
it brightens up my face
I hear the words you say
so I glorify your name
My voice shouts out in praise
(Chorus 3)
Lord, we've fallen, fallen, fallen for you
So we stand, we stand up for you
With all of our hearts, we love you
There is no love that's above you
(Verse 4)
I see the things you create
The universe, the snowflakes
You make no mistakes
You are so pure
You are so brave
You are everything
(Chorus 3)
(Verse 5)
Your love is all
That fills us up
You fill our cup and our plate
You're all we need
To stay sustained
It's only you we crave
(Chorus 3)
(Verse 6)
I once was lost
Now I am found
You helped me out of this maze
I once was dead
But now I'm alive
You saved me from the grave
(Chorus 3)
(Verse 7)
Every single day
To only you we pray
Your love fills this place
For my sins you paid
Lord, it's us you saved
Now we have a clean slate
(Chorus 3, repeat)
and somehow came up with this song, which is to be sung to the tune Lights by Ellie Goulding
(Intro)
I used to think that
you were just some kind of fairy tale
but now I see
that you are very very very real
(Verse 1)
I see the things you make
and the things you break
and I see power and strength
I see the lives you take
and the lives you save
and I see love and grace
(Chorus 1)
And I've fallen, fallen, fallen so short
I was living in the dead world
but then something happened to me
Felt your love and fell to my knees
(Verse 2)
I see the things you do
the mountains you move
and I am so amazed
Your creations are good
Your love is great
You can not be replaced
(Chorus 2)
And I've fallen, fallen, fallen for you
So I'll stand, I'll stand up for you
With all of my heart I love you
There is no love that's above you
(Verse 3)
I feel the love you give
see the treasures you hid
it brightens up my face
I hear the words you say
so I glorify your name
My voice shouts out in praise
(Chorus 3)
Lord, we've fallen, fallen, fallen for you
So we stand, we stand up for you
With all of our hearts, we love you
There is no love that's above you
(Verse 4)
I see the things you create
The universe, the snowflakes
You make no mistakes
You are so pure
You are so brave
You are everything
(Chorus 3)
(Verse 5)
Your love is all
That fills us up
You fill our cup and our plate
You're all we need
To stay sustained
It's only you we crave
(Chorus 3)
(Verse 6)
I once was lost
Now I am found
You helped me out of this maze
I once was dead
But now I'm alive
You saved me from the grave
(Chorus 3)
(Verse 7)
Every single day
To only you we pray
Your love fills this place
For my sins you paid
Lord, it's us you saved
Now we have a clean slate
(Chorus 3, repeat)
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